I'm a hubber undercover. I just need to talk about what's happening in my family and feel unable to talk to anyone in real life just yet.
DH and I have two young children and he also has an older child from a previous relationship. We have a close relationship with his parents, sister and extended family. We are a normal, happy family.
Earlier in the year FIL told us he had gotten into some trouble with police over talking to what he thought was a 17yr old girl online who actually turned out to be an undercover police officer. He told us about it immediately as he wasn't allowed to be around minors while it was investigated. He was very forthcoming with details, ashamed, embarrassed and sorry. I won't bother going into details but from what he told us it was taken out of context, misunderstood etc and there was no case against him or anything. Basically said it was all a big mistake and had been dealt with as such by the police. MIL supported this story and we had no reason to not believe them. He was going to counselling etc to deal with the anxiety that had led to it in the first place.
We have found out today that this story was fabricated. They had to tell us something as FIL was not allowed to be around minors, that was true. But the reason is because he was caught by undercover police officer sharing child pornography, discussing fantasies about child sex acts etc. His computer was seized and a large amount of child pornography was found on it. Lots of history of online searching etc.
DH has not read the article yet as he can't bring himself to know the details. I am devastated. I'm not only devastated that FIL is capable of this but I cannot believe they were going to try to hide this from us. Prior to this I would have been BEYOND happy to leave my children in his care. I had zero indication that he was this way inclined. Zero. I like to think I am a good judge of character. There is a close knit, lovely, intelligent, funny and social extended family who I imagine are equally as shocked by this news.
I feel physically ill and have been shaking all morning. DH wants to wait until the kids are in bed tonight before he reads the article which I completely understand. We will be able to talk about it then but I just needed to get it out! I am in shock. I don't want FIL in my life anymore and I am so furious and shocked that MIL would keep this from us. I understand how hard this must be for her but there are children involved. I can't even think straight, I just can't put into words how huge of a shock this is. I never thought this could happen to my family. How do I tell people? How do I explain to my older child why we won't be seeing FIL anymore? How do I help DH get through this? I can't imagine how he must be feeling.
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04-10-2014 10:40 #1Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2014
*trigger warning* FIL convicted of child p o r n charges.
04-10-2014 10:52 #2
Far out. That is so full on. I can't imagine what you must be going through although everything you described sounds like perfectly normal feelings.
I would be seeking the help of a professional in this situation - you canny be expected to know how to deal with this. Are you in touch with the police on the case? Perhaps they could recommend a specialist to support you. I can see this putting a huge strain on your relationship with your DH as you both work through this. A professional will help you to work with each other, rather than turning on each which could easily happen given it's both his dad AND mum who have done the wrong thing by you here.
Sending massive hugs. You poor poor thing xxx
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04-10-2014 10:54 #3
I really have no words of wisdom or advice, but I couldnt just read and not reply.
What an awful situation for you and your dh (and family). Just wanting to send you massive massive hugs. You have every right to feel angry, betrayed, hurt. Just to clarify (please dont answer if you dont want to), but did your mil/fil end up telling the whole story or did you find out through other sources (you mentioned an article and I got the impression the truth was discovered through that? ).
Sending you more hugs xxoo
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04-10-2014 10:57 #4
Yeah I think you both need professional help to deal with this. You'd DH must be on a whole other level of emotions. Hugs xx
04-10-2014 10:59 #5
I'm so terribly sorry you are going through this. I felt like throwing up and my skin was crawling just reading your post. This is just something nightmares are made of really, when you realise somebody you love and trust is capable of that. I am also shocked they weren't more truthful in the beginning and I would be raging mad about that. How could MIL protect him? I could not even look my husband in the eye if I found something like that out about him, let alone stay with him and potentially endanger children by protecting him. I don't have any advice, I'm just so sorry for you and your family
04-10-2014 10:59 #6Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2014
Thanks for your replies girls. Yes, I think we will definitely seek professional help with this as it is just so huge. No they haven't told us the details - FIL just sent DH a message this morning saying something like "the stuff with the police ended up continuing and unfortunately it has been in the local paper so I will let everyone know now". So I looked up the article which has his name and complete information about the court case. I am just so overwhelmed. Really need to talk to DH but I understand him wanting to take his time, we deal with things differently.
04-10-2014 11:02 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2005
I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you through this - it's just such a shocking betrayal of trust - you and your DH must feel absolutely shattered.
I definitely agree with PP about looking into some counselling to help you all process this news because it's just too big to try and wade through alone.
04-10-2014 11:05 #8
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you and your DH must be feeling.
Sending huge hugs to you. xx
Me 👩 36; DF 👨 34
DS 🐢 07/02/97 DD 🐝 27/09/99
DS 🐳 26/04/02 DD 🐞 06/09/06
DD 🐣 Due 03/12/14
04-10-2014 11:10 #9
Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this.
04-10-2014 11:17 #10
Another one here who can't imagine this. It must be your worst nightmare come true. It must be hard trying to give your DH space while desperately needing to talk about it.
I agree about counselling - I imagine you will be facing a grieving process due to a sudden relationship lost, and a huge anger process with the MIL. I will say I do sort of understand how she could have stuck by him - the power of denial is very strong, and she may have decided that him 'only talking' about it and not doing anything is bearable. I'm definitely not saying I agree with her, and she has also lied to your family and will have to bear the consequences for that.
As far as your DH, I imagine he would be feeling some misguided guilt for not 'protecting' his family. I would say it's very important for him to realise you are on his team, even if you are not on his family's team, iykwim?
What an awful situation. I can totally understand your distress, dismay and your anger. I don't know what you could tell your children, but if his name is mentioned in media it's possible your stepchild in particular may experience some backlash. Counselling can help you with how you talk to your children and how you can support his older child.
I'm so sorry for what you are about to go through.
By moongazer in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & ChatReplies: 17Last Post: 10-09-2014, 10:41
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