@mummymaybe I understand how you are feeling.
When we first found out I has endometriosis I felt like I was going through it all alone. I would drag DH to appointments with my FS and we'd leave and I'd be upset about it all and he'd kind of make fun of me and say there's nothing to worry about whereas I was scared we'd never be able to have kids. He used to refer to it all as "my problems".
That changed when we finally got his SA done and it was a big shock for him to find out he had an issue to and sure enough we were off to IVF.
He came along to appointments with me in that first cycle but it still felt a lot like this thing that 'I was doing' rather than 'we were doing'... I did get quite upset and angry with him a couple of times and managed to explain to him how the anxiety of IVF infected every second with worry and that seemed to get through once he understood how much pressure I was feeling.
But when we lost the first pregnancy is when I think he really truly got on board.
The second cycle he simply couldn't take the time off work so he actually wasn't there for transfer (that I'm now pregnant from) but to make up for it he sent me a beautiful bunch of flowers from work. I also explained to him that it was important I felt like I could contact him with updates and he was really good at keeping his phone on and the volume up.
Little jobs like that gave him a way to be part of it that helped me feel less alone.
Anyway my point is sometimes it takes going through it for men to get it so your DH may figure it out a bit more as you press on.
It's important to try and explain to him how it makes you feel and how often it's on your mind as well as give him some clear instructions about how he can interact with you - simple things like him remembering to call you after appointments and check in on how they went.
Good luck, sometimes men can be slow learners but hopefully he will get it in the end.
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16-09-2014 06:37 #21
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16-09-2014 09:52 #22
16-09-2014 10:38 #23
Hey @mummymaybe, I also understand where you are coming from. It is clear from everyone’s responses that there is no 'right' level of involvement, but to me the important thing is that you feel supported in the way you need. Ivf is hard enough without feeling like you’re doing it on your own. If you’re feeling unsupported, then there’s a problem.
I also have a nursing background, so DH tends to defer to me when it comes to anything medical and assume I’m an expert – even though ivf is a whole different kettle of fish to anything I’ve done before. I’m also pretty independent generally, so he’s used to me taking charge of things in our relationship and being all strong and stoic. I have realised that I need to spell out for him exactly what kind of help I need, and let him know when I am NOT fine. Then he’s more than happy to be there for me however I need – I just can’t expect him to figure it out on his own. I had a major meltdown last week about the outcome of our last cycle and generally about how much this sucks, and he was sweet and wonderful, but honestly completely taken by surprise that I had been hurting so badly.
We have only done 1 cycle so far, but he was fairly involved. I did all my own injections, but let him depress the plunger on my trigger injection (after I had inserted the needle myself – control freak much?!) just to try and include him a bit. He came to most of my FS appointments, but not all. I told him not to bother when I was just having a BT or progress scan, as I just popped in on my way to work and was in and out in 10 mins. He always rang me straight after though to see how it went though.
He came to EPU and would have taken the day off afterwards if I needed it, but I felt fine and just planned to snooze all arvo so he went back to work. He only works up the road, so could have been home in 5 mins if I needed him for any reason. Neither of us took time off for ET – it was early in the morning so we went together and then he dropped me at work and we both got on with our day.
I think we’ll take a similar approach next time, although unfortunately DH has a work trip scheduled for right in the middle of things that he can’t get out of. I am majorly unimpressed about that, but I know it’s not his fault and he wouldn’t go if he didn’t have to, so I just need to get over it
Good luck. Even if your DH can’t physically come to your appointments, there may be other ways he can be there for you. Could you phone him and put him on loudspeaker during the major appointments so that he’s part of the discussion? Or think of other things he could do to let you know he cares? There will be times in your lives when either you or your DH are vulnerable and need to rely on the other. If this is one of those times for you (and I don’t blame you if it is - ivf is frigging hard!), then your DH needs to come to the party and help you through however he can.
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16-09-2014 14:13 #24Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2014
Mrs Chino hit the nail totally on the head!! Couldn't agree more with this post.
Have been thinking of you mummymaybe and hope things are improving.
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16-09-2014 14:53 #25
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16-09-2014 15:23 #26
Has anyone thought about how much easier it is on our partners? Not only do we have to go through this mostly on our own but we endure the most pain while they go into a little room and enjoy themselves..just a thought
16-09-2014 16:21 #27
Men like to fix stuff and they don't have a huge role in IVF which makes it hard for them. Especially if you're upset because they can't fix you either by just making you pregnant so you've gotta give them tasks they can achieve.
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