I'm curious about how involved your partners are in the whole IVF journey, appointments, injections and just general support.
My husband owns his business and does not have very flexible work hours, he doesn't come to any appointments and is rarely home when I do my injections.
For my last EPU he dropped me on the side of the road in the rain because the traffic was bad and he was running late. Post pick up he didn't even walk into the house with me just dropped me off and straight back to work.
I don't doubt his love for me or desire to have a baby but I feel so alone. I have to remember everything FS says so I can repeat it and it's just stressful. I know he has to work but I just feel crappy about it.
Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal?
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12-09-2014 09:05 #1
How involved is your partner?
12-09-2014 09:20 #2
DP came to every single appointment, even the blood tests. But she really wanted to be there because she couldn't give the biological factor of herself to our baby.
When we went to the clinic 9/10 if the women there were alone. So I don't think your situation is abnormal.
I think it's about how you feel about it, not about whether other people do it too.
If you feel like he's no involved enough maybe it's best to be honest and tell him that you understand work is really important, especially with the amount ivf costs, but you'd love if he could be there for you a bit more. Maybe just staying during EPUs and transfers?
12-09-2014 09:24 #3
Hugs Hun. IVF is hard enough without having to do it 'on your own' in a way. Men deal with things differently and personally I found from my IVF experience that my DH had trouble verbalising how he felt. In saying that he always left work to come to my FS appts with me and was always there for any procedures I had done. I wanted him there and even though he didn't know what to do or say, I think he wanted to be there too. It is 50/50 after all, even though we are the ones going through all the jabs, U/S and procedures etc.
We are also really lucky that DH has a job which is quite flexible and jus boss is really understanding.
It must be hard for your DH owning his own business and not really having anyone to cover for him. May be sit down and have a chat about how your feeling and let him know you really want him there or to at least make an effort to try and come to your appointments? It's really hard to remember all the info you discuss with the FS on your own. If DH still is unable to be there is there anyone that can go with you for support? Mum, sister or friend?
I hope you are ok and can sort something out with DH. It's a huge burden to have to be 'doing all the work'. Sending you lots of love and hugs x
12-09-2014 09:30 #4
Hugs xx it's hard doing it all by yourself. My husband works away, so I went through a lot of the IVF process alone as he was often away at work.
He was around for my first egg pickup and transfer but missed all the lead up with injections, scans etc.
When we did a FET (which ended up with our DS1) he missed the whole thing. I was driving over an hour to see a new FS and did it by myself. I had to get my sister to drive me to and from the transfer as Wazza likes to give Valium and I was pretty sleepy after! So our first child was conceived with hubby being 2000kms away. He never met the FS!
And then of course once pregnant, he missed a lot of ob appointments, scans etc. So I guess doing the IVF stuff prepared me for doing this by myself.
I think if you really want him to attend appointments with you, then you need to explain how you feel doing it all on your own. It is hard with work, but maybe you can compromise and make sure he has time off with you for just transfers and egg pick ups, or something like that?
12-09-2014 10:41 #5
@mummymaybe my partner doesn't attend anything other than the egg pick up. He doesn't come with me for the embryo transfer either anymore. Having gone through it 7 times I just don't see the point of him taking time off work for it.
However he is very pampering on EPU day. He takes a day off with me and we go in together and have nice food afterwards. Also the nurses do say to have someone stay for the rest of that day. I can understand why you'd feel uncared for by just being dropped off. Maybe explain that you'd like him to take a day off to support you.
You are doing it for both of you.
12-09-2014 11:51 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2014
Hi mummymaybe, I feel for you doing this pretty much on your own and honestly don't know how you do it. It's pretty stressful and I completely understand the need to have someone there holding your hand through it.
I'm pretty independent but still I told DH from the beginning that I expected him to be involved. I am lucky though as his work is reasonably flexible so he has been to all appts, bloods and scans etc with me. After our first appt he asked me if we could sit down and go through the likely schedule so he could try and organise work around it.
Recently though, I had to explain very carefully to him that I expected him to take the day off for the frozen transfer so we could spend some quality time together (he had worked heaps lately). He had to get his boss in from holidays unfortunately to do this but I felt really strongly about it. His work is so unpredictable that I would have ended up being there alone and I didn't want to have the added stress. We had an awesome day and really made it special and he said he was glad he did this.
Hopefully you can explain to him that you understand work is a priority but that also supporting you physically and emotionally should be a priority also.
Best of luck x
12-09-2014 12:45 #7
Thanks ladies. It is a real struggle but I just do what I have to. I spoke to DH about it last night and I got the same answers as usual, "my patients will be put out" and "you know how consuming my work is".
I think I will be a bit firmer with him, it's lonely and a little scary. I think he assumes that me being a nurse makes it easier because I know what's happening.
12-09-2014 12:50 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2014
I understand this totally- my husband is medical also and I am a midwife. He sometimes think that I should know what to expect but it's completely different when it's yourself
Try explaining that he is so amazing with his dedication to his patients that you want a piece of it also!
12-09-2014 13:08 #9
Dh was very involved from day 1. He came to every appointment throughout our 7 year journey.
12-09-2014 13:11 #10
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