In the early days I had DH spend a Saturday with our twins while I was still around the house, but all I did was feed at the usual times, then hand them back. Even while I was feeding I pointed out jobs like washing he could get done while I fed (of course this is more than i got to do but i was being kind...ha!) While he had the babies I did gardening, cleaned, had a break to phone a girlfriend etc for the whole day. And was available for questions. He was so tired at the end of it! This was the beginning of his understanding.
As time went on, on another day, while he minded the twins, I left a list of the usual jobs that get done in a day too. So he now got the full experience. This added to his understanding.
Since then he has left weekends up to me. If I want to take time to myself or get jobs done I can, he does all routine stuff with the twins. Generally I choose to be around he and the bubs but knowing I can take time if I want it is a great thing. I'll never forget how wrecked he looked after that first day and I don't think he's ever forgotten either
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05-09-2014 21:17 #21Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2014
05-09-2014 21:39 #22
It's probably a planning thing too. We tend to realise what needs to be done in a day, the "windows of opportunity" to get them done in and if they don't get done then the house isn't going to function well for very long.
I think when looking after young children you need a break from being around the house all day and need to get out and have a bit of balance in your life, otherwise you end up losing it. It's almost like gaol otherwise...except you have tiny inmates that you must also look after and you somewhat slave away for your room and food.
05-09-2014 22:16 #23
06-09-2014 08:51 #24Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2011
It has been a looong time since I've posted on here (haven't been on bubhub since I was expecting my last bub) but I couldn't read your post and not reply. It resonated so much with me.
Here is an article written by a Dad for dads that I hope might help your DH understand. It is done in a funny way but gives examples that I think will hopefully help guys understand -http://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2010/6/7/new-dad-survival-guide-8-essential-tips.html
My other advice is.. You need to prioritise YOU. Men seem much better in general at prioritising their needs. They don't even seem to realise they are doing it sometimes, they need a break so they suddenly HAVE to go to the shops and get milk or whatever. Whereas most mums seem to put their needs last. We get lost in this idea of what we SHOULD do. First bubs needs, then the household's needs, then DH then ourselves.
My DH is pretty damn fantastic these days about getting home and caring for our boys while I do dinner (sad isn't bit when cooking dinner is a mental health break) but he didn't immediately quite get how much I needed him home and to take the baby either.
I found that I had to structure my days in a way that looked after ME as I came close to breaking. For me that involved getting out of the house. I get cabin fever at home and thoughts of all the things I SHOULD do overwhelm me. So some days that meant going to baby rhyme time at the library and then having coffee with the mums after. Or walking to the shops to have lunch (I found it so much easier to just sit and give bub the cuddles he wanted when I didn't have to do other things like make food or clean up). Playgroup, visits with friends, walks... Whatever helps you. My bubs were and are still generally are better out of the house. It takes initial organisation and may be tough without a car but please look into it. Walking, quick bus trips or get people to visit.
So you don't get much done around the house... Too bad. If DH isn't giving you a break you have to take your breaks when you can get them. Washing and cleaning can wait until the weekend and DH can help!
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07-09-2014 05:52 #25
I would give up on the idea of him 'understanding' and start talking about 'time for mum' options. He doesn't have to 'get it' for him to be practical about time. Have you got a baby carrier that he could use? If he needs to shop or potter around the house then no problem. He can pop baby in the carrier and keep going. Does he have baby/dad things that they just do? Showering together, bathing, after work walk? We have a dog park down the road from us and I often see 3-4 dads with babies and dogs down there together having a beer. I like that they do that. He could do the shopping with you in tow so you feel like you're getting out a bit or if there's a café close by you could have a drink and read a magazine whilst he and baby trawl the supermarket. Being a mum is difficult.
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