Agree with moosey. It's just not how long the day can be but to do that over and over, that day after day grind with housework on top that they will never fully comprehend.
I stopped expecting him to understand and vent on bubhub where others can relate, I find bubhub a saviour for this. Returning to work part time helped alleviate some of the grind too and gives me a break, and insisting on me time even for a short while whether that be insisting on leaving the grocery shopping to me - alone- and a bubble bath.
I *try* not to nag and whine as it can drain your relationship but it can be hard. You are not alone in this struggle
So no real tips but heaps of empathy xxx
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05-09-2014 16:45 #11
05-09-2014 16:49 #12
Completely understand where you're at with wanting to hand over DS as soon as DH walks through the door..
My DH dealing with DD on weekends was eventually enough for him to realise it's hard work and then be more accommodating towards me... I can't really describe how the switch in him worked, but it just took some time. I've heard similar from a lot of other mums that their partners took a few months to "get it" with the first child and thought it was just the mum's job and they could go about life reasonably uninterrupted.
Things that work for me and DH now even 2 years later is:
- DH always sends me an sms when he is leaving work, OR if he is going to be later usual he sends me a message no later than 5pm.. might sound a bit full on, but it's not so I can keep tabs on him, it's just so I can mentally realise "ah he'll be home soon" and not have to wonder about how long I'm going to be here alone juggling DD for.
- Assign DH a job for the early evenings like bath time, my DH adores it now and it's his main motivation for being home in time for it.
- I'll often pass DH a beer or something when he comes home as well as DD, a little sweetener!! haha
- I then cook dinner, prepare for bedtime etc and do all the other running around, exactly as you say that even though it's not giving you a break as in sitting around with your feet up, at least it's a break from DS.
- We make sure DH has designated time on the weekends for himself without DD even if I'm swamped, he usually goes and plays with his motorbike or something and that way he can look forward to that even if he hasn't had an evening to himself all week.
- I try and shower and do a couple of things early in the morning before DH goes to work (in case DD wakes early, he can look after her), that way in her quiet time or nap time (I know it's harder for you with a newborn, but it will come), I can actually have a few minutes to myself rather than having to try and do those things.
05-09-2014 17:19 #13Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2012
Unfortunately he still doesnt get it - he just got home from work then left me here with ds to go & do the groceries. I dont drive so he had to go, but we could have done it on the weekend.
I showed him the article that was posted here but I still dont think he understands
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05-09-2014 17:30 #14Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
- Brisbane North
oh hugs op. I totally get it. im still in the same postion with my 3! my hubby doesn't get it sometimes that its just so full on for me. in my head I keep repeating ''it's not like this forever''.
05-09-2014 18:11 #15
I think my DH got an inkling when I left him with DD for 3 hours to get my hair done the other day. When I got home he looked very stressed! I ended up putting my foot down & telling him I need 1 hour on a Sunday to do some exercise, plus a morning or afternoon every couple of weekends for whatever. I think men need you to be really specific about what you need them to do - DH is rubbish if I tell him vaguely I need some time alone, but if I specify a time/day it works. He's the same with housework & cooking lol needs very specific instructions!
05-09-2014 18:22 #16
Oh sweety I understand. That was me 4yrs ago.
My tip is to be fully dressed when your dh arrives home. Literally hand him baby and bolt out the door. Go for a walk or just hide outside and don't come back for an hour or so. Leave your phone at home too.
05-09-2014 18:29 #17-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
05-09-2014 19:37 #18
Unfortunately what works for one wont for another sometimes.
I suffered from pretty bad PND when DS1 was born and it took me bawling my eyes out and locking myself in the bathroom for DH to see he needed to step up. Of course we've had a few hiccups along the way but all I have to do is look my DH in the eye and say Not coping, need a break and he takes over completely.
Can you sit down with your DH and try to calmly explain it? Or would he get the point if you bawled your eyes out and completely lost it? I tried the talking thing. My DH still didnt get it. Once I lost it, he got it.
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05-09-2014 19:47 #19
It's so tough, I know, and to be honest I think it is very hard for partners to understand just how tough it can be. On the flip side, I know how it feels to walk through the door after being at work all day, and just being desperate for 10 minutes to be still before getting started on the parenting stuff. Do you think it's possible that your DH feels that you don't acknowledge that it's a long day for him as well at work?
How do you think it might work if you sat down and said something like 'I realise you work hard all day to help support this family. We both work hard, and it's a pain in the ar$e, but when you get home from work is pretty much go time. It's the time when DS is clingy, when feeding and bath and bed (or whatever in your case). needs to happen. It's important to me that I can rely on you being home at this time. How can we work together to get it all done?' Then could you agree on a stop time, ie 7.00, where there are no more expectations of housework etc, and you can both try and spend some time just sitting and resting together?
Something I used to do was go to sleep at 6.30/7, and FOB would bathe and put DS down, and bring him in to me if he woke up for a feed. I'd feed while practically still asleep, and get in a block of a few hours to recharge a bit.
05-09-2014 20:11 #20
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