Ow OP. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I'm a nutcase so if I saw something like that on DP's phone I would just rage in and start yelling... Probably not the approach you want to take when he's just had surgery.
Maybe figure out what this means for you, what you need and want from the resolution (i.e. no more cheating, counselling, etc) and then go and confront him.
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04-09-2014 07:56 #11
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04-09-2014 08:37 #12
I think it's best if you confront him and bring it out in the open.
If you don't, you'll still know what he has done, and he will most likely continue. You'll also be tempted to snoop on his phone again.
Yes, he'll probably be upset that you went through his phone, but he has done something deceitful and it needs to be dealt with.
Let us know how you go
04-09-2014 08:42 #13
Were you snooping per say or just bored and flicking through his phone? Sounds like the latter to me. I have been on pay pal before, totally not snooping on DH but looking to see if a purchase I made has been received to see DH has lied about how much he has spent on a purchase. Hell yes I confronted him.
It seems obvious to me. He is at fault here, he's having online liaisons with another woman. Had he not been a cheating jerk there would have been nothing to find in your bored travels yes? I would be confronting him, no way I could bottle it up.
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04-09-2014 08:54 #14
Different people have different levels of privacy or independence/autonomy in their marriage. For us we have some joint email accounts plus work/play ones, same bank accounts, have full access to each others' phones and send and receive messages on either. We open each others' mail, etc. as that's just how we roll with everything being open and it just is what it is.
So, from this perspective the whole 'snooping' doesn't really exist in our household and wouldn't be part of the conversation. Do I trust that he won't do the wrong thing?...no. He has shown me in the past that he has been driven by instant gratification so I wouldn't put it past him to do something he shouldn't.
If I ever found out however that he had a bank account, email account or extra phone used for unsavoury/extramarital things or had any type of relations with another woman and was hiding it from me I would flip my nut!...in hopefully an organised/calm way but it would be a deal breaker for me. What would he be teaching our children in having no respect for his wife? What would that do to my self esteem just to let it go and believe that I deserve to be treated that way?
I think you need to have a conversation with him and give him the opportunity to discuss it/explain it. Perhaps there is room for counselling and reconciliation. I think either way I would do counselling when there are children involved as you will still need to function as a family even if he no longer resides in the family home and would be good to let him know what he did wrong and try and work out a way to be amicable.
04-09-2014 08:54 #15Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2013
I don't think it matters of she was snooping or not. If he brings that into it, he is grasping at straws. The fact of the matter is he has been unfaithful.
04-09-2014 08:59 #16
Just come out and say I was bored so I was playing on your phone and found this.
Simple truth always is best. Mega hugs.
04-09-2014 09:15 #17
I agree with all the posters. You need to have open dialogue about it. Otherwise it will play on your mind so much. Hugs.
04-09-2014 09:19 #18
I'd confront him for sure.
Me 👩 36; DF 👨 34
DS 🐢 07/02/97
DD 🐝 27/09/99
DS 🐳 26/04/02
DD 🐞 06/09/06
DD 🐣 Due 03/12/14
04-09-2014 09:28 #19
I could not and would not let that go. As pp have said, all relationships are different, but in ours we use each other's phones all the time. We know each other's fb passwords and we don't do secrets. The only time I would keep a secret would be if I was trying to surprise him, but I'd have to tell him something! I might say something like "I'm planning your birthday at the moment so you can't use my phone just now" or something like that
It might be an easier conversation if you first give him a chance to explain before you get really upset. Don't get me wrong, I think you should definitely be upset, but telling him what you found and letting him speak might minimise the yelling. If the first thing he says is "how dare you look at my phone" I would calmly respond with "I understand you are upset about that and I'm willing to discuss it with you, but right now I'm asking you to explain what I found."
Last edited by safam; 04-09-2014 at 09:53.
04-09-2014 09:36 #20
Surgery or not I don't know how you have kept quite so long!
I was getting some documents together late one night and was reading through dh bank statement something looked suspicious so I barged into our room and woke him up asking him to explain what it was. It turned out to be something I remember him telling me about, but no way could I wait till the morning to ask him let alone a few days.
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