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01-09-2014 14:44 #21
01-09-2014 14:47 #22Senior Member
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- Aug 2009
I didn't feel it either. For ages I thought I wasn't normal cause I didn't (and mostly still don't) feel that overwhelming connection to her. I love my DD, would go to the ends of the Earth to ensure her well being and happiness but I don't get that overwhelming rush of love everyone talks about very often, where I look at her and it takes my breath away about how much I love her. I did when she was inside me, there was that connection there but as soon as she was born, she became her own person with her own wants and needs and personality and I didn't know who she was seperate from me. She was DD and I was mum and those two roles are incredibly different from being me + carrying her.
As she's gotten older and her personality is growing and changing and she's learning herself, we're getting to know each other as seperate entities now. It's confusing and frustrating and sometimes I feel kinda sick and think I'm a horrible mum because I just don't feel that feeling everyone else talks about. Am I proud of her? Yes. Do I love her? Yes. Do I care for her wants and needs? Yes. I can only assume that a relationship will continue to grow the longer we know each other. But I know (in my head if nothing else) that I'm a great mum. I love her, I care for her, I respond and interact with her.
You can't force it. It will come in time. It just needs to happen.
In the mean time, not getting that feeling doesn't in any way make you a bad mum. You are a great mum, if only because ypu recognise it and worry over it. You are concerned for her well being other than the physical.
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01-09-2014 15:18 #23
Also, someone else recommended Dunstan Baby Language. This was awesome for my first. My 2nd never made the 'neh' cry though as the tongue tie meant his tongue wasn't coming up to the roof of his mouth. He did have his own little hungry 'pant' that, thanks to using Dunstan with my first, I could work out at about 3-4 weeks.
01-09-2014 15:18 #24
I'm sure I'm repeating what everyone else has written, but I didn't get that rush of love feeling for ages with my first. I also felt very anxious every time DD grizzled or cried in the slightest, mainly because I had zero confidence that I could meet her needs apporpriately and settle her. I was so strung out about it and I used to hate going anywhere because I was so worried she would start crying. All I can say is that as time went on I became more confident and had learnt more settling strategies that I felt ok to go out with her. Go easy on yourself, the first month or two are a blur of learning about your babies needs and getting to know your baby, it does get easier I promise!
01-09-2014 15:29 #25
For me I had the overwhelming feeling of love from the first moment I saw her - it lasted around 8 hours until the reality of it all set in.
I then found that the first 3 weeks were the hardest of my life and then week 3-6 were bearable - I still loved her but all the work she took was overwhelming for me- and I was lucky enough to have a baby who slept through from day 7 and only cried when hungry
It was only when she got to 6 weeks and she started interacting with me that the super love came back, I'm
Sure it would have taken longer had she not been a sleeper.
While I love her more than I can explain I still would never do it again - I look at people with more than one baby and I am in awe as to how they do it
One of the hardest things for me was losing my independence, my LO was very chilled out so could go anywhere I wanted to but it was still very different
It will get better it could take weeks or months and that's ok - just don't let it get to you- you have enough to deal with without worrying about this
01-09-2014 15:38 #26
This is such a great thread. To the OP, I also say that you're feelings sound normal to me. It took me about a year to fully believe that DS was mine to keep. Thanks for talking about a not often talked about topic.
01-09-2014 15:49 #27
OP I felt the same. I only admitted it to DH the other day and he looked at me funny thinking wtf?! I wanted to love her, I really did, but struggling to BF made it difficult. Every time she cried to be fed I wanted someone to take her away. It wasn't until feeding became easier that it all changed. I had all these senarios in my head about what I would do and say when she was delivered but because I ended up having CS under GA I don't even remember the day. I do remember the day I fell in love though xo
01-09-2014 16:44 #28
Totally normal! I had a horrible traumatic birth with my twins, and while I was lying in recovery and they were in the nursery I wouldn't even let my husband talk to me about them. Didn't want to know. It took a few weeks to properly bond. Hold on, it gets easier! You're doing a great job. Also, if you can't stop the dark thoughts and fears about something happening to the baby, please tell someone! You don't deserve to continue suffering, and if those thoughts won't go away on their own there is help available. Hugs!
01-09-2014 17:23 #29
#Mama, my experience with DS2 is almost identical to yours.
I knew I loved him but between the pain/fear of feeding him, the exhaustion, and trying to run a house with a 3 yr old to look after too - well love wasn't the most obvious of my emotions.
I went through the motions for about 6-8 weeks.
That's how long it took to feed him without any pain but before that happened , he began to emerge from his crying/moody/needy/ phase and displayed little signs of his big personality to come.
That really helps you push through the hard times.
Until then they're really demanding and give little or nothing back but it's really, really normal.
There is light ahead, don't expect too much from these early weeks.
It's enough that you're meeting his demands and he's looked after.
All that will help him grow trust in you and will eventually make him confident that when you do put him down, you're coming back for him.
They're funny little creatures at that age but it really does pass and before long you will be on here passing on advice to the next mum who needs it in a dark hour.
01-09-2014 17:28 #30
I haven't read all the replies but don't stress, it sounds perfectly normal to me ESPECIALLY with bf-ing issues! I had lots of pain and I cried every feed. I also hated hearing bub cry and I was extremely anxious. I actually asked my midwife 'when will I bond with my baby'
The minute he was born, I was so scared and very anxious. I wanted to cry.
But 3 yrs on he is one of the loves of my life (along with ds2 and DH)
It will get easier and you will feel better.
I didn't leave the house for WEEKS with both my kids. Get support from friends, family, mothers group etc. Even the early childhood centre. Take all the support you can.
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