He's 12 days old and I just don't have that all consuming take your breath away love for him.
He went into special care right from the birth suite and was there for four days, and I had limited contact with him. The nurses in special care had trouble settling him and he would cry and cry. Since we've had him with us we've had a bit of trouble with breastfeeding and it's getting a bit better but were still working on the latch. He would scream until he went on and I'd give in and just let him go on to make him stop crying which damaged one nipple in particular. One nipple was grazed and would bleed, and putting him on either boob made me cry until about two days ago.
I still have pain feeding him at night, it's like he won't open his mouth properly to go on. He twists his head away, and it's like he drops his chin rather than opening up over the nipple to go on?
My husband is head over heels in love with him. He keeps saying to me "don't you just love him so much? Hasn't your whole world just changed?" And frankly I don't feel the same.
I love him, I do but not as much as I think I should. He makes me feel anxious and edgy when he cries - I don't feel any love for him when he's crying. Like I'm a bad mother because I can't work out what he needs. Feeding him makes me cry and hurts me. I'm paranoid that I'm going to drop him on our tiled floor.
My parents came to visit for a week the day we brought him home and they wanted to be going places all the time, and I wasn't ready. We would go out but he would cry and cry and I just can't handle it, it makes me cry.
He's been snacking and catnapping the last few days and I'm anxious about taking him anywhere by myself. I don't even want to take him for a walk in the pram down our street because his crying escalates so quickly, I don't want to be where people will judge me. He will grizzle for all of five seconds before it becomes inconsolable screaming.
DH can be great with him, especially at night when he will get up and change him and bring him to me for a feed, but it's like he doesn't realise how much care he needs through the day when he's mostly awake and wanting to be on me, rather than sleeping. He doesn't understand that sometimes you just have to sit and hold him. This weekend he kept saying to me "I'll look after him, go lay down or have a shower" and when I gave him to him he put him down in the bouncer and would go play with his model planes, or do silly unnecessary jobs out in the garden and won't hear him when he grizzles or cries so I have to go to him before the crying escalates and I start to cry and the whole thing spirals
Sometimes I look at him and my heart just melts. And other times he makes my insides ball up in a big anxious mess. And when he cries and I don't know what he needs I just feel.....separate from him. I want to help him and make him feel better but it's like I don't love him when he's like that and then I feel worse about myself and like a worse mummy.
I'm just feeling like a bad mummy and that he deserves someone who loves him more, even when he's upset and screaming.
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01-09-2014 10:52 #1
I'm feeling like I don't love my baby enough.
Last edited by #Mama; 01-09-2014 at 15:36.
01-09-2014 10:58 #2
All normal You're still very much in the 'getting to know each other' phase of motherhood. I remember receiving advice on how to increase my milk supply to look at my baby when I'm expressing. I just thought "why?" Doing it didn't affect the amount I expressed at all. I didn't have those overwhelming, gushy love feelings for him. However, in time it grew.
01-09-2014 10:59 #3
Hugs to you op! I think what you're feeling is pretty normal. Becoming a new mum is a roller coaster ride of emotions. Well it was for me at least! I can totally relate to what you're saying. I found I spent the first couple of weeks really anxious about whether I was doing a good job and just exhausted to level I never knew was possible. At one point I stood in the shower crying and wondering if I'd made a mistake having a baby at all. My DH, like yours, was smitten from the start. Slowly the fog of exhaustion and hormones lifted and I think looking back I really was smitten with her the whole time but just too exhausted to realise. Now I'm the one constantly telling DH how great she is.
Try to remember you are the best mother for your baby. You are feeding him, keeping him safe, and comforting him when he needs you. That right there means you're doing a great job!
Last edited by BettyV; 01-09-2014 at 11:07. Reason: Accidentally posted before finishing. That'll teach me to try to type while feeding!
01-09-2014 11:03 #4Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2013
Hugs. You're not a bad mother. What you're feeling sounds pretty normal to me.
I remember that feeling when you can't figure out what they want and it is horrible. I kept telling myself that half the time DS didn't even know what he wanted and that made me feel a bit better. I also felt really anxious when I took him out in case he got upset and I couldn't calm him down. My suggestion is to start with small trips that you can do between feeds until you both have it down pat. It is unreasonable for anyone to expect someone to go out with a newborn when they're not comfortable so don't be afraid to say no.
It's important to keep the communication channels open so make sure you keep talking to you DH even if it can seem like you're banging your head against a brick wall.
Things will get better so just look after yourself (as much as you can with a newborn).
01-09-2014 11:04 #5
I think it's unrealistic to expect to feel overwhelming love every minute of the day for someone you have never met before, who mostly just cries, who regularly hurts you and who is just so freaking needy. You are showing what a wonderful mother you are because you do get up to those grizzles, your instinct to care for and nurture your child is 100% switched on.
For me with my first, I felt very attached and protective, but my heart really started to melt once she could actually look up at me and smile. Mostly, before that it was about getting through each day as best I could, doing a hell of a lot of work for what felt like zero reward.
I was much more gooey from the start with my DS as he was a much easier baby. He slept lots, or would just lay contentedly a lot, so I actually had time to just sit and take in all his cuteness.
01-09-2014 11:23 #6
Big hugs, you're definitely not alone!
My DS is 10 weeks old, I was so freaked out that I didn't love him for the first few weeks. Everyone in my due-in group would post these birth announcements with "I'm so in love!" and I felt nothing like that at all.
It's slowly gotten better but I still don't get that euphoric infatuation that everyone else seems to talk about. But by around 6 weeks I was starting to enjoy spending time with him more, almost looking forward to him waking up for his next feed instead of dreading it…
We also had feeding trouble at the start and an SCN stay and a birth that was nothing like I expected, all of which probably contributed.
I felt so guilty for feeling this way so if you're experiencing something similar - again, you're not alone! It's so hard at first but it will get better
01-09-2014 11:31 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2012
Sending you massive hugs op! Dont worry about feeling like you dont love your baby, im sure the bond will come. My ds is 8 weeks old & its only in the last few weeks that I feel like ive really bonded with him - initially I felt like 'what have I done?' Its got better now that im more used to being a mum & I adore him now.
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01-09-2014 11:37 #8
I didnt get that big rush of love for ages.
You might like to try baby wearing. Babies like it as they feel warm and close to mum. Also helps you get things done in the daytime.
You mentioned some difficulties with feeding too. I suggest googling an ibclc in your area and booking a session or three.
01-09-2014 11:38 #9Junior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2013
You are not alone! I can relate to everything you wrote. Completely normal to feel this way (you have so many hormones racing through your body). Give yourself some time and don't put any added pressure on yourself to feel a certain way, no feelings are "wrong", there is no "right way"....I promise you it will all fall into place.
Just take one day at a time and be kind to yourself, you have done a marvelous job so far don't forget that!
01-09-2014 11:40 #10
I remember the first few weeks just being a haze of feeding and nappy changing. DD is 9MO now and I'm absolutely smitten but it wasn't instant like it is for some. You'll get there, being a new parent is a huge adjustment.
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