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01-09-2014 06:16 #11
01-09-2014 07:27 #12Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2006
DS1 once had a such an awful tantrum when we were catching a train - that an elderly man came up and asked me if he was "schizophrenic" - I said "no, he's 3"
I used to really care what people thought of me when my kids/kids were tantruming - but now after 4, and with one on the spectrum, where daily meltdowns are just part of the deal - I don't give a hoot at what anyone thinks.
01-09-2014 07:56 #13
01-09-2014 08:03 #14
Sorry that was OT. In relation to the topic, just yesterday I took my 2 boys to the chemist as they're birth sick and I needed more Panadol. Mr 4 kept grizzling at home that he wanted to go to the park but I told him we're only going to the chemist and he calmed down. Then when we pulled into the carpark he started screaming again about the park, all the way through the chemist visit :/ I just try to stay firm and calm and repeat "no we're not going to the park today" and couldn't give a rats about people's looks.
01-09-2014 08:30 #15
My boys were renowned for their tantrums after I said no. It never stopped me though. And you know what I think? It always seems to be the older generations who judge, but they can't have it both ways. They try and say parents should say no more often and that they give in to their spoilt children too often, and yet give us the hairy eyeball when we do say no.
Don't feel like you're a bad parent for having a child with less than perfect behaviour in public. You're certainly not the only one, and anyone who judges you just has way too much time on their hands!
01-09-2014 09:05 #16
Mr 2.5 has had awful tantrums at times and I simply ignore him and any other looks. I couldn't tell you if anyone was looking at me with disgust or anything else! I'm working to the principle that he needs to understand that tantrums won't get him anywhere. If he wants to do the fun stuff, he needs to behave himself and if I say no, it's not happening, regardless of how much he cries and screams.
01-09-2014 10:50 #17
my dd (now 4) has a very short fuse when it comes to boredom and the shops use to be a killer.
I have anxiety and it's just a nightmare.
We have gotten a lot better, as she gets older it's easier to find ways to keep her occupied and we rarely have melt downs, oh they still happen! Just not as much as they did when she was younger, I also think I've gotten better at planing shopping trips, it's pretty much look online for what you need to get, go to those shops, with a lollipop, iPad, book and some small toy like a car. I've also learnt how to better control my anxiety so I'm defiantly more confident when she dose have a melt down and feel a bit more stronger when handling them in front of a shop full of strangers, I have also learnt to just not care what others think, I remember my counselor telling me once that when I'm in a high stress situation (like a child tantrum) when out to just imagine me and the situation are in a bubble and everyone and everything outside that bubble don't exist, they don't matter, and they are only looking at a very, very small part of my overall parenting so it doesn't matter what they think or say and it's so insignificant to how I will parent my child for the rest of my life. They don't know anything about me or my child so therefore I shouldn't care or spend any time pondering what could be running through their mind in that situation.
I remember one time (she would have been 2) we had to go to the shops, my husband had only just started working away, so there was no more "on your way home from work can you pick up..." So already that week we had been so unorganized and I was doing a lot of running around, we were also moving and with DH working away it was just me and dd packing and stuck in a world of chaos.
We were at the shops and passed one of those play areas that had something in it that caught dd's eye, I was in a rush and just ignored her pleas to go in and kept walking, she lost it, her legs gave way so I was half dragging her away, she then fell to the floor and was flapping about like a bird making it impossible for me to pick her up, people were looking and giving me poisonous stares, I actually kept pretty calm and managed to get dd away and into a trolly, but she kept screaming, I couldn't concentrate on what I was even at the shops for, I just felt like more of an idiot during my attempts to soothe her or distract her as it wasn't getting anywhere, I had visions of just leaving her and the trolly and running away.
I honestly lost it then, I felt clammy, I felt like I had eyes boring holes into me from everyone looking, my pulse was pounding loudly through my body, I could feel an anxiety attack coming on so I just headed (ran) back to the car, I remember going to the escalator and starting to cry, people were really looking then.
By the time I got to the car my anxiety turned into full blown anger at everything, horrible anger, anger that I was moving with no help, anger that my husband had a job where he could escape situations like that, anger at every one who looked, anger at myself for not being able to diffuse a sh!t storm like that, angry that I cried, anger at dd for having the melt down, p!ssed off at shops for even putting the play area in there, it was silly hen pecking anger and I lost it.
I remember having dd in the car and just yelling "don't you ever act like that again!" I pretty much spewed out all the things I remembered my own mother saying to me when I was in trouble (things I said I would never say to my own children) dd wasn't use to it and she just got so upset.
I remember getting home and just locking myself in the bathroom and having a full blown anxiety attack in the shower.
Once I calmed down I felt like total crap.
Dd was still quite upset and I think we spent the afternoon in bed having cuddles.
So you aren't a bad mum! I had a full melt down all over a tantrum over a play ground, and I don't think I'm a bad mum for that, it was all just a crap situation, I'm not proud or happy for how I acted, but I acted that way and I can only learn from it.
Now days when we got out I make extra time, I "try" not to be rushed so if she wants to go on the play ground at the shops I will tell her that yes, ok, we will go on it but after I get what I need to get first, if she wants a lollipop I tell her she can, she gets bored, and I'm not having melt downs over a .50c lollipop that she never has any other time.
If it's toys, that's where I draw the line, mostly because I can't afford it or because I know it's just some useless junk that will be sucked up when I doing the cleaning, I usually just tell her "no" and ignore any further protests, when I can I'll get out a picture book, I pad, the "let's go get a lollipop instead" or whatever and distract her best I can.
I know a lot of people don't agree with all that, but it's a shopping trip, the most mundane and boring thing to my child, I get stressed when shopping from all the people, walking a round, waiting in line ups, I can only imagine what it all feels like for a energy packed inquisitive child who doesn't fully understand things like laybuy line ups and grocery shopping.
We still have issues, they aren't as bad, but I don't actually think it's from giving her the time to play or have a lollipop, I more think it's because I just don't care, I don't let the stares or shakes of heads effect me, so therefor the tantrums don't seem as "big" to me, I try my hardest to just see them the same as the melt downs she might have at home where i block it out, let her get that frustration out, then after I think she has had enough time to get it all out I'll go and try to figure out what's going on and how we can get over and move on from what ever has caused her to have the tantrum, redirect her to something else. If it fails, well it won't last forever, I won't be in that situation forever and I'll try my calm down methods after she spends more time getting her frustration out.
It's never easy and I don't think there is any "right" way to treat a tantrum! You know your child best, and every child is different, so just do what you can and try not to worry about the haul of people who think they know how you should parent your child and how they think you should react to the tantrum, because I bet what they "think" you should do is something you wouldn't and I highly doubt if you were to see them again at the shops or ever run Into them they would be saying "hey! Your that lady from the shops who..." So block them out and do what you do best, parent the child that is yours and do what you feel comfortable with in that situation.
01-09-2014 11:25 #18
Oh Zeddie, it's so hard and as you can see, so many of us have been there and I know that exasperation and stress that leaves you in tears when you get home, it's awful.
I pretty much adopt similar strategies to what to crankyoldcow mentioned earlier.
I tell the kids my expectations before we get out of the car, and ever since I have done this, it has worked quite well.
I also give them a 'job' so that could be finding something on the shelf for me, holding a shopping bag, basically being 'Mummy's shopping helper' and I will happily reward good behaviour and give heaps of praise.
If there's ever a tantrum, I ignore the stares (I know it's hard) and leave the scene, I don't engage in banter, I get their level and say, 'we're leaving now' in a firm voice and leave it at that.
Hopefully it's just a little stage where your DS is getting older and testing out the boundaries and his impulse control still being developed and shopping will be a pleasant experience for you both again.
01-09-2014 11:32 #19
My mum always said there's no shame in leaving a trolley full of groceries and carrying your child out like a crying sack of potatoes.
Angus 4~6~13, loved - wanted - missed
Barny barnacle - MMC Feb14 🎀
01-09-2014 11:46 #20
Haven't read anyone else's replies.
This is what works for me.
Child screams and starts to cry.
Me. In a firm voice. I reaffirm that i understand that they want xyz. I understand that they feel sad but it not nice to scream and Chuck a fit. If after I explain that I simple say "Scream and cry as much as you like. Your not having/doing xyz".
Child continues to scream
Me - repeat in a firm but a bit louder voice not yelling but loud enough that anyone that wants to say something can hear.
I keep doing whatever I am doing.
It's take 2 or 3 sometimes 10 times but they get it. It might reoccur every few months but mostly it stops it.
I figure they are allowed to be disappointed. They are allowed to be upset but it doesn't change the fact it is not going to happen.
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