Me + DH = DS1 (6), DS2 (2) and #3 due September 8th
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15-08-2014 12:15 #61
15-08-2014 12:27 #62
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15-08-2014 12:34 #63
As for RW it just keeps getting sadder and sadder.
Me + DH = DS1 (6), DS2 (2) and #3 due September 8th
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15-08-2014 15:26 #64
Seems like Parkinson's could very well be the straw that broke the camels back. The poor guy was apparently suffering from depression and the like since he was 13, or so I've read. So he fought a battle that whole time. So very sad.
16-08-2014 22:33 #65
It's a bit of a mind F$&k that someone like RW was amazing because of all his demons. That we loved him and and was so talented at the expense of his own health.
17-08-2014 01:07 #66
I've been battling depression for 10 years now. Thank goodness there has only been one episode where I felt so hopeless I really thought the only way to cope would be suicide, and that was an extremely scary episode, almost like I'd split into two, one part of me was planning, figuring out how to do it, and the other part of me was screaming and crying, as I didn't want it to happen, but didn't know how to stop it. At the time it felt completely involuntary.
Unfortuntely due to my illness although I am medicated OK, I still do have really horrible periods where I have a lot of passive suicide thoughts, just the whole 'what's the point' etc etc, or times where my anxiety is really high, and I think 'ending it would make it all stop'
Thank goodness these thoughts are passive, not the scary active ones where there is deliberate planning.
However, it is still pretty debilitating and stressful to have all that going on inside your head.
I also know/think I would not actually go through with it because of my kids, I imagine what it would do to them, and I think I'd rather endure, than to hurt them like that. (I know many suicides don't manage to have an anchor like that, and they do go through with it )
I can never tell my family or my friends anything about it, partly as I feel deeply ashamed of being given this life, and for some reason am not able to enjoy it properly, I feel like I'm doing something wrong the whole time for me to be feeling like this, but knot knowing what, even after years of soul searching about it.
I also don't want to make my friends and family worry about me, or treat me like a freak.
I am feeling the burden of no-one knowing about this, it's so heavy. I actually googled 'living constantly with suicidal thoughts' and found out that people with bi-polar commonly have this struggle, seems it is just part and parcel of the illness. Kinda made me feel a bit better, because at least I'm not alone in my craziness, other people manage this.
I've been thinking that it would be amazing if there were a setup for depression kind of like with Alcoholics Anonymous where you have a sponser, and they are one person who knows where you are at, and you can ring them any time you need to get support, because as we all know, our worst meltdowns don't often occur during office hours when there is a convenient appointment with a relevant person available.
I have decided I need to make a trip to see my counsellor (I usually talk to her about the kids, not myself) and come clean to her about this, and I guess she will become the person who 'knows' and I can get ongoing support from.
Funny, part of the problem is constantly putting my needs last, as I have these 3 kids that I always make sure are OK before me, I fall into exhaustion before I can worry about me, and it doesn't help I guess.
Funny how I am OK talking to people about depression, yes, I suffer from depression etc, but somehow the suicide thing is just something I cannot open my mouth about, it's too 'out there' and scary, or I feel people would probably just roll their eyes. I don't know really.
Feels $hit though.
Yep. Definitely need to make that appointment with my counsellor and have a good talk to her about it. Bottling it in really isn't going to do anything other than to keep building the pressure up and up.
Gee I'm really quite shocked to hear so many of us struggle with this stuff, it's truly awful
Also feel so much for those of you who have lost people to suicide, I have not, and I am extremely thankful, it would be a really painful thing to live through I could only imagine.
A question that comes into my head, if you are a person who personally struggles with suicidal thoughts etc, and have lost someone to suicide, does that give you any different perspective on it? Does it help with being more determined to try to seek help, or I don't know, really work to control it or whatever? Or has it had the opposite effect?
Hugs to all, I'm sure most of us need them!!!!
ETA - Oh the other reason why I am scared to tell anyone, is I worry my kids would be taken away from me. Does that happen? Possibly a baseless fear, but it is there nonetheless.
I think what I might do is print out this post and take it to my counsellor, easier than trying to say it, the words don't come out.
Last edited by MilkingMaid; 17-08-2014 at 01:18.
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17-08-2014 07:52 #67
@MilkingMaid huge hugs for being so brave to put yourself out there and be honest. You have undoubtably helped other women who struggle with the same things and feel alone in their battle. This thread has also played on my mind a lot and I've reached out to a few others and been shocked at the level of despair out there. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I first arrived on bh because I was so incredible mentally unwell, socially isolated and struggling with parenthood. Bh was really the perfect platform for me as I could connect with others without really leaving my home and in the safety of my anonymity. I think a lot of mothers come here for the same reason and I was thinking it would be nice to start a thread that we can post in, at times of distress to find someone to talk to that knows what are going through (NOT as a replacement to proper psych care but as an additional support). I think the buddy idea is a great one.. Run it by your counsellor and see what she thinks.
You are amazing, it takes a true inner strength to cope with depression/anxiety for such a long time. Don't forget to remind yourself of that...
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17-08-2014 09:22 #68
@MilkingMaid I cried through your whole post. This is my little analogy: after I quit smoking (the first time!) for about a year, I went with a friend to Japan. For one of our bullet train trips we could only get seats in the smoking carriage. By the time I got off the train, I felt really sick from all the fumes. Then I realised that sick feeling was how I'd felt the entire time I was smoking, I just never realised that it wasn't normal to feel that way.
That's how those suicidal/depressive thoughts are. They become such a normal thing that we kind of accept that's how we are. You know, they aren't always so intrusive that we can't function - they turn up, we shake them off, we go on. But we don't have to feel that way.
I think taking this post to your counsellor would be a wonderful and brave first step. I'm not sure if you are open to meds, but if not (and even if you are) I do this thing called EFT tapping (google Brad Yates on YouTube) - go with it! it's pretty amazing.
To answer a couple of your questions - I was never, ever actually on the brink of suicide until after my friend had taken her life. For me it opened up a whole new dangerous realm of possibility. At the time, I only reached out to my husband who totally closed off and couldn't cope with my words. I wish I had sought help elsewhere sooner. And, no, I don't believe anything will happen to your kids. One of the mums at our school has been hospitalised multiple times for depression and even attempted suicide twice and it has never even occurred to anyone that she lose her kids.
I love your idea of the buddy system - imagine how different things might be! Please check in and let us know how you're doing x
@RipperRita your support of everyone in this place who struggles is totally inspirational.
17-08-2014 10:07 #69
Last edited by LoveLivesHere; 18-08-2014 at 18:08.
17-08-2014 10:35 #70Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
This thread is amazing, thank you to all of you who have shared your stories, you are so brave.
I've suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. At first it grew slowly, I didn't know what was happening but I felt down all the time and started to isolate myself. I had always been a hard working student but towards they end of high school I just disengaged. My parents knew something was wrong but not knowing anything about mental illness it didn't click for them. I would spend all weekend in my room crying and my Dad would come in and beg me to tell him what was wrong and if someone had said something to upset me. I didn't have the words to explain that it wasn't about anyone else, it was just me, that it hurt so much inside and I didn't know why.
I suffered in silence for years, I was about 2 years into Uni when I'd gotten myself into a real dark hole, I'd stopped going to uni but I couldn't tell anyone. I just couldn't deal with being out in the world anymore. I'd pretend I was going to uni, wait until my parents and siblings had left home and then go back home and stay in bed under the covers all day crying. Eventually I got a letter saying I would be kicked out of my degree unless my grades improved, but I knew it was impossible. I finally turned to my GP for help. I didn't even know what I was asking for help with, there's such a stigma with mental illness that I didn't even know enough about it to know that's what was going on with me.
My GP immediately understood that I was suffering from depression and got me onto meds that day, and also got me into counselling. It helped a lot but as is often the case, I started to think I felt so good I didn't need the meds so I stopped taking them and ended up in the darkest place I've ever been. I became suicidal, all I would think about is that the only way to end the pain inside would be to kill myself. I fell in with a bad crowd and started smoking marijuana. It seems so surreal to write that. I was that quiet girl in high school with the glasses and the good grades and the strict parents that never had a boyfriend. My life was massively off course and I knew I was spiraling out of control but the drugs made the thoughts go away and the pain stop so I kept doing it.
I remember the night I tried to kill myself as if it were yesterday. My parents were worried about me, they knew something was wrong, I sat at home crying all day then went out with my 'friends' at night and got high. This particular night I was heading out the door and my parents stopped me. They told me I was ruining my life. To me it seemed they confirmed everything that I felt inside, that I was useless and hopeless and everyone would be better if I wasn't around. The pain was so intense I couldn't think of any way that I could stop the pain besides taking my life so I swallowed packs and packs of medication.
It's too painful to recount what happened after that but I was extremely lucky that my brother found me in time and my parents got me to a hospital where they pumped my stomach.
Since that time I've moved forward in leaps and bounds. I never would have thought back then I'd be around long enough to have my beautiful DD and have such a full life. That's not to say the struggle is over. I think mental illness is a life long struggle. I still have times when I feel low and when I feel especially low the suicidal thought kind of float through my brain but I know I'll never do that again. Like someone else said, my DD is my anchor now, I could never leave her like that.
I agree that we need to break the stigma around mental illness and suicide. We've come a long way since I was a teenager, maybe if my parents had more information they would've know what was going on with me, or maybe I would have known. In any case, progress is far too slow. I think all of us talking so openly like this is a really great step in the right direction.
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