My three cherubs have minimal contact with their Father. He's seen them once this year and once last year. No phone calls.
When we are at the park, or other family friendly places including school and daycare, the kids (DS1 9, DS2 7 & DD 5) are drawn to men. Today at the park, I could see the longing and envy in their eyes. All at some stage, they have all gone over to a father and had a chat, DD even asks them to push her on the swing.
I have a brother who is great with the kids but he is FIFO and has his own life when home. He is also childless and has no desire to have his own children so can get a bit impatient with them. I have a male cousin but he works away during the week and has his own young family so I don't like to intrude too often as they need their family time. My father is elderly and physically disabled. We have some contact with their paternal uncle but probably only see him and his family a couple of times a year. I have been single since my marriage ended and don't really have any male friends.
I guess I want to know if anyone else is or has been in a similar situation and how you deal or dealt with it? I don't live in a capital city but where I live is certainly not rural. I'm not sure if there are "Big Brother" programs or something similar? It makes me so sad for my babies and so bloody cranky at their "Father".
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03-08-2014 17:26 #1
03-08-2014 17:34 #2
I grew up with just my mum and no contact with my father or any real male role models in my life. I've always had a yearning for a dad which in all honesty was strongest when I was an adult rather then a child but other than "wanting" one I don't feel it has had any real negative emotional impact on me. As an adult watching my dd with dh has been the only time I think I have really been emotionally affected by it.
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03-08-2014 17:55 #3
03-08-2014 18:13 #4
I have had daddy envy all my life. I wouldn't say it's been a gaping big hole that has stopped me from being happy or anything, but it's definitely something I've been aware of. My mum never repartnered so I never grew up with an adult male authority figure. One way I'd say it's affected me, the depths of which I'm only just realising, is learning how to tell the difference between platonic and romantic attraction. Not sure if that makes sense. So I would say, if there is some sort of program, it can't hurt to get your children involved. We have a program at our (tiny) school where our groundsman does woodwork with upper primary students who lack an adult male role model. The difference it makes is amazing.
I do want to be very clear though - I never felt, and will never feel, any resentment or negative feeling toward my mother (well, about this particular situation, anyway!). She tried to convince me my whole life how much my dad loved me, even though his behaviour would indicate otherwise time and time again. She never bagged him, and I know she maintained some level of contact with him for my sake, even when she'd rather not have. She always helped me when I went through phases of wanting to be in contact with him. I imagine there was a lot of behind the scenes wrangling with him and asking him to be there for me that I don't even know about. I hope you are not feeling any guilt or sadness. Your kids will be fine x
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03-08-2014 18:17 #5
Sorry for your kids, and you. My dd has grandparent envy. I have no advice.
Actually, I have mum envy. I often make friends with women who are around the same age that my mum would have been. I used to go to the shops when I was on maternity leave and see other mums with their little bubs in cafes or in the parents room and the mums were helping them with their bubs and I always came away feeling sad for my mum.
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Last edited by SpecialPatrolGroup; 03-08-2014 at 18:21.
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03-08-2014 19:31 #6Junior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2014
I'm sorry I haven't got much advice as I'm not in this situation. But maybe try calling a Big brothers big sisters association in the city closest to you and see what they say. I know it won't benefit your daughter as she has you but if your sons could get matched with a big brother (even the same person) it would be great. I volunteered as a big sister to a girl who was 10 and had no contact with her mother. I volunteered for 5 years and have continued to see my little sister who is 18 now. It's worth a try.
04-08-2014 13:42 #7
Thanks everyone. I just feel so sad for them. The boys crave a male role model and DD would love a man to adore her.
04-08-2014 14:56 #8
Aww @MerryR don't take it onboard. In the scheme of things it's really not as big as you think. They have a safe, secure and loving home which is more than most. 2 parents that adore them would be wonderful but one parent that adores them is more than sufficient.
04-08-2014 15:16 #9
hi merryR. the last post from RR hits the nail on the head. I grew up without a father, he died when I was only 11. I know this is a different situation for your children, but as a child I was never really concerned that I didn't have a father. I had uncles, and my older brother, but can not ever recall thinking gee I wish I had a dad. Try to not put an adults thoughts into your children. have they said to you that they want to have a father ?? Im not saying that you are wrong in what you have seen, but I wonder if you are passing your disappointment in their father onto them. I think your children are old enough to express their feelings pretty clearly. I hope I have worded that ok. hugs, marie.
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