I have two beautiful boys and I suffer from PND. Oh my goodness I can't believe how hard that was to write!
I struggled for 6+ months after DS2 was born until I finally to admit that I needed help, and started on zoloft. I'm now feeling much better, although the guilt I feel for those first few months remains.
Today I sat down and got my thoughts down on paper which has helped. I wish I could turn back the clock and tell myself all of this - and I hope you don't mind - but I wanted to share.
Sending love to everyone who needs it
I know you. I've been there. I look at you and I see myself.
I've sat there holding my baby and sobbing because it all feels so wrong. I've laid there under the covers wishing the world would go away. I've walked around in a fog because it hurt too much to feel.
I know the guilt that is engulfing you because you are convinced that you are not good enough, that your baby deserves better. I know what it is to wonder, quietly and terrified, if you even love your baby. I know the pain that is so deep that it is almost physical.
I'm here to tell you that the sun will shine again. That the light will return to your life. That one day you will emerge from the fog and see clearly. That one day your heart will hurt so much because there isn't room for all the love you feel for your baby. The baby that you have always loved.
I'm here to tell you that it will be more than ok - it will be wonderful.
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24-07-2014 12:03 #1
A letter to myself
Last edited by Hamilicious; 24-07-2014 at 17:27.
24-07-2014 12:17 #2
So beautiful, thank you so much for sharing. You have me in tears.
As a depression sufferer myself in the past, I feel you really hit the nail on the head. I've always said, if I could have one person give me some advice during my darkest hours, it would be "this won't last forever. You will be ok."
You said it perfectly.
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24-07-2014 12:19 #3
Said perfectly lovely Having suffered pnd both times It's nice to read something like this xo
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24-07-2014 12:32 #4
Oh my!! That is just so... spot on. It's painful for me to think back to how I used to feel, but I can see my old self in every word you wrote. It's good to be on the other side looking back but for anyone reading along who is still in that fog, every word written above is true. It's NOT forever, you WILL get better and your heart will explode with the wonder and awe of being a mum. Be kind and gentle and nurturing with yourself. Thanks for writing @Hamilicious
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24-07-2014 14:46 #5
24-07-2014 14:56 #6
Wow. So beautiful written. Thank you for sharing.
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24-07-2014 17:15 #7
Wonderfully written and so brave to share! Thank you!
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25-03-2015 07:52 #8
Well today is my birthday and I'm feeling quite reflective so wanted to come back and share, if that's ok.
12 months ago I was in the darkest place I've ever been. I wanted to leave my DH and I couldn't see a way out of the hole I was in. I guess it goes without saying that my 30th birthday was pretty flat!
A few days later I went and saw my GP and started on the road to recovery, and here I am, a year older and in a completely different place. I am happy.
We've certainly had some challenges in the past year - an unexpected pregnancy has shaken things up a bit, and I'm now on a half dose of my antidepressants. I have tried to stop them completely a few times but it just hasn't worked, so I'm remaining on them for the foreseeable future. I am excited about the arrival of our new baby later in the year and feel a huge sense of relief because this time I know that if the darkness closes in again I will just put my hand up for help.
Much like the letter I wrote to myself above - I'd love to be able to go back a year and tell me that it's all going to be wonderful.
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