So whats the go with your inlaws now? Are they cut off? or you just stay away?
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02-09-2014 10:03 #111
02-09-2014 10:15 #112
I know it sounds simple but stop engaging. You said you had a fight on the phone with mil? Why were you even on the phone? Just don't engage at all and lay down the boundaries with DH in terms of visitation and and other logistics with him maintaining a relationship etc.
02-09-2014 10:26 #113
I don't really regret telling MIL off on the phone. I worked on instinct and felt it needed to be done with how they have carried on lately. But i wont bother again, i wont be bothering with them at all tbh.
Apparently i made her tear up when i told her DS wouldn't even be here if SIL had her way. And now she hasn't mentioned it since to DH (yet) so i don't regret it.... but i wont bother any more.
Last edited by Serenity Love; 02-09-2014 at 10:31.
02-09-2014 11:01 #114
Fortunately for me, I have a great memory for facts and saved everything they ever put in writing. Especially as they tried to drag us through the courts. The only way they'll listen and maybe shut up for a bit is with irrefutable facts, like what you said about your SIL. Well done. My in laws tried a similar thing when they said they couldn't understand why I was so cruel and I wouldn't give them the time of day when they'd been nothing but welcoming to me. I pointed out that FIL had told DH that he wasn't to bring me around to theirs because I wasn't welcome in their home. Shortly after that we cut contact completely and they have been trying to get "back in" ever since. My husband has been disowned by both his brothers because they think we should just accept the parents as they are, and are so brainwashed that they believe we are making the whole thing up. According to them, the parents are innocent victims of the heartless b*tch their brother married (me)
We are so, so much better off without them. It's amazing how their toxic influence can spread throughout other areas of your life. I don't mean to turn your post into a big story about me, I'm trying to show you that i understand and sympathise, and I'm cheering you on to get away from them for good!
02-09-2014 12:43 #115
Its funny - our inlaws said the same thing when DH and I were just GF and BF - we were on the other side of the city having a day out, and FIL called DH and demanded he drop everything right away and drive SIL to her friends house as SIL's car wasn't working. They knew we were out but would not take no for an answer, but DH for the first time said no that he was busy and she will have to call her friends to pick her up... FIL then screamed into the phone that DH is a terrible person now that he is with me, i have dragged him too far away where he can't be there for his sister (who was 23 at the time - she's now 30) and that they never want to see my face around theirs again and for him to get rid of me.
That realllllly hurt me ....but they of course after that were horrified when i refused to go to their house for xmas lunch after that and told DH how rude it was i didn't go and that they want me to just get over it.
There is just no winning with these people. They think they can just say the most horrible things, and everyone is to just get over it.
I don't understand why your DH's brothers are acting like that, wtf would you make it all up? My god.. poor you guys! Thats so good you sound like a united front though.
02-09-2014 22:04 #116
I've just read this whole thread and wow.. I hope that you can get a break and they leave you alone with your DH taking DS for visits.
I could not be around people like that either. I wouldn't touch one cent of their money even though they should be the ones fixing your yard.
"Insert witty signature here"
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03-09-2014 11:37 #117
Yeah it was a horrible time to go through!
Dd hasn't seen them in... Geez! A long time, I stopped her seeing them after the "C" word was dropped, it been longer since dd or myself have seen them, for DH it's been well over a year now. they don't seem to care, they just seem to care about DH, they just act like victims to other family members and use dd as the perfect reason why they are in such turmoil over ME stopping them from seeing her and DH, but they really don't care for dd. She is just a pawn for them.
It's very weird, I can never fully explain it without it coming out all wrong (on so many levels) so I'll just say it how it sounds, MIL treats DH like her "soul mate" in a messed up, twisted way, I always came between her and her son, I changed her son, I took her son away from her, she acts as though they were a happily married couple and I've just come in like some Hussy and took him away in a heated affair! Lol.
She use to ask me extremely sexual questions about DH (one example being that she asked if I preform oral s.ex on him, and if he liked it ) I remember telling DH in total disgust and his reply was "yeah, mums always asked about that stuff, she use to ask me and my brothers about m.asturbation all the time, it's just mum" W.T.F.... DH doesn't think like that now, but he honestly thought that was normal, it took a very long time for him to actually realize that, no!, that's not OK. I remember DH being upset, nightmares and huge anxiety attacks after a few months of counseling because he finally felt like he was able to stop sticking up for his mothers actions and accept healing, he says now he always knew it was wrong, but it was his way of coping when saying "it's just mum" same goes for his dad's abuse (FIL use to call DH nasty things and would be violent when DH was younger, but it was "it's just dad")
So I know your frustration when you husband says "it's just dad" like that is suppose to justify what they just said/did?! Gah! It's so frustrating.
I suppose you could say Dh's parents have ZERO boundaries in all areas of their children's lives.
Even sexual, they have to make it their business, get involved, have their say etc... etc...
My DH was very much the scapegoat in the narcissistic dynamic, he has always been "different" in his parents eyes in the sense he was a "free thinker" (like that's a bad thing) but it would change from time to time and the abuse would vary, he was labeled the naughty child too, he was the eldest so most of the attention was payed to his younger siblings, then once his parents tried to mould him to how they wanted he was old enough to react back and question things, he was the "problem" his other siblings were "perfect" but when DH achieved something that could benefit the family he was the "favorite" and the dynamic would change.
His parents were also amazing at turning his siblings against him when they needed them too so it was always said to DH "see we ALL think your bad, so change or your the problem, not us"
His parents are also christian (I have nothing against this at all) but they do use their religion as an excuse for outlandish behavior and a tool to frighten their children, my husband was bought up in that christian environment, again nothing wrong with that, but when your patents are narcissistic, and I would go as far to say FIL is a sociopathic narcissist, It's incredibly dangerous.
Sorry for my crassness but it is all really one huge f*cked up situation and I could be here all day.
My husband and I met when we were only 17 so I did see him in that family dynamic as he was younger, in saying that though after a week of being together we moved out and decided to rent a house (we both had apprenticeships at the time) so I never really got a taste of what his whole family was like under one roof.
His brothers and sisters are all well into their 20's, they are adults, and are still living at home, no jobs, never had a date or a partner, no license, no friends what so ever, they are not even allowed Facebook or a mobile phone!
But this is justified because they don't want technology in their home, poisoning their minds, (however MIL and FIL have internet access, phones, Facebook and what not) They are controlled by their parents, they are not treated like adults or pushed to be like one, they can't survive without their parents, and of course the inlaws LOVE that, they think DH is the bad one, the other kids are amazing (because they obey).
There is so much more, but in a nut shell, dd doesn't see them, she never will, and DH agrees with this, we are lucky in the sense that his parents only care about HIM and not me and dd unless it's to put us down, say something bad or use us as pawns.
When dd is an adult, sure she can meet them, I can't stop that, but while she is still a child I will refuse them seeing her as I truly believe she needs protecting against them.
It was so hard to get DH to see my side of everything and to see how wrong his parents were acting.
It went so much deeper than I could have ever comprehended, we originally went to marriage counseling to "see how I could understand his parents" so we could "stop fighting because I had a personality clash" I was on the verge of leaving, I couldn't do it anymore and at that point I agreed to counseling no matter which way DH suggested it as, within this first visit the counselor was even "wtf?" And asked for DH to have separate counseling because the way his parents had treated him and continued to do so was not right, not normal and not healthy.
It was full on! DH pretty much had to be broken down to nothing and rebuilt again. I actually couldn't believe how much twisted crap he had actually blocked out from his child hood.
Again I have nothing against religion, but the way his parents used their religion by installing fear, guilt and a means of justification for some of their behavior, it made dh extremely repressed, getting over the thought that he wasn't going to "burn in hell" like his parents had him believe every time he did one of the families (not gods) "sins" was shocking, considering he identifies his self as an atheist I was taken back that it had such a hold on him, which brings us to the now, he is excellent at holding his ground, he has found a few support groups, he has made some great friends, he has hobbies! Which I'm so glad to see, he has pushed himself so well in work and he ended up putting himself out there to try get a position that he never thought he could get, he got it and it's given him such a confidence boost, he is excelling in the position and actually enjoys and loves his job that he went after, not the job his parents first threw him into so his parents could smooch of it, he really is his own person with his own views, his own thinking, his own boundaries and he has the confidence to speak up when he feels something isn't right.
The major thing now, is him dealing with fear, which is still causing him anxiety.
He has no problems telling his parents to F off when they do demand he contact them, but after all is said and done, after he has stood his ground and stood up for himself and dd and I , he will have an anxiety attack.
He is getting better, it will just take time.
He is an excellent father and he always has been, he has never had an issue sticking up for his daughter, me it was different, but he has always been very primal and protective of DD, it was just as a family unit we weren't on the same page.
It use to make me wonder too though about why he was so protective of our daughter around his parents, I think deep down he knew they were messed up and unsafe.
Sorry for the ramble! It really has been some messed up experiences I've had with it all so once I start I can't stop typing about it
I seen you said your own mother has NPD, and I'm pretty sure you were involved in a thread on here quite a while ago about a member asking for advise with her own inlaws, it was a huge thread, DH and I had only just herd about NDP from our counselor and I remember links being posted and DH and I getting a wealth of information via those links so if it was you thank you!!! It's crazy when you come on here and see how many others have parents with a personality disorder.
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Serenity Love (05-09-2014)
05-09-2014 22:42 #118
My god the sexual comments put chills up my spine Liddy - that's just all kinds of wrong and weird and.. UGH..... WTF!
My mum used to do that to me. Its wrong, and not something i was ever comfortable with. God i feel for you having inlaws like that, just as well you and your DD have nothing more to do with them.... they are pure toxic on every level!
06-09-2014 07:57 #119
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