Every time your husband forces the issue he is choosing his parents over the immediate family that he is actually responsible for. Being desperate for their love and money when he is supposed to be a parent himself is ridiculous. They are clearly trying to manipulate him. If he can't handle them without being manipulated, then he shouldn't be visiting them or speaking to them either.
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01-09-2014 16:03 #101
01-09-2014 16:07 #102
Omg @Liddybugs you too huh? OP, please heed these warnings! NPD is very real and people with it can be very dangerous. They will do and say just about anything to achieve their own ends, and can find ways to justify the most grotesque behaviour. Nothing is ever their fault. It's almost impossible to get them to change because their disordered minds tell them they are special, above everyone else, and the rules don't apply to them. They can and will be downright cruel and even violent when someone does not please them or treat them with the reverence they feel they deserve.
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01-09-2014 17:32 #103
Without getting into the twisted emotions of it all, why don't you suggest to your hubby that it's been going on for so long, why not take the loan and be done with it. Even say you're considering an area that the parents are suggesting, or just leave an open realestate.com page open to a random house in that area.
You will need to see a lawyer to have a professional document drawn up, since it's a loan there will need to be repayments made, interest, etc. Everyone will need to sign it and have it properly witnessed etc. They will presumably then have some sort of claim over your house should it go for sale (ie the banks are now second in line - which they won't like). You might have a hard time getting finance for your loan amount while you're legally to pay back the inlaws at the same time.
If it's a gift, your inlaws will need to sign a stat dec saying that it's a gift and no repayments need to be made, and that they have no lien over your house.
Without these documents, and if you suddenly have $200K deposit for your new house the banks will ask a million questions proving where it came from.
Perhaps call a bluff (it sounds like no one is going to sign to either of the above options). The worst that can happen is you have a loan document that you don't sign.
01-09-2014 19:58 #104
Oh OP. This issue just won't let up for you. :-( I just have two points I want to make here. First - why the urgency? Why now? What's the rush? Can't this decision wait a year once your bub is here and you guys have passed that vulnerable newborn stage? No it can't, because your in laws have a self serving agenda and they know exactly what they are doing to you being heavily pregnant. This is disgraceful and I am so mad for you, for your DS and your LO. I am not happy with your DH back flipping.
Second, I understand when you say something's gotta give. Don't underestimate the massive power and control and sense of peace you can get from getting out of an unacceptable situation. I know you're very pregnant and it's hard to "leave". But I think you owe it to yourself and to your children to either head in to counselling with your DH, stand your ground with him and in laws and continue to define your boundaries, or worst case scenario, make plans to leave sooner rather than later. Nothing is worth being terrorized, abused, and manipulated. You're worth so much more than that.
01-09-2014 20:15 #105
There is no way in hell my kids would be baby sat with a nasty dog. Do not ever ever compromise on this. I agree with PP, let your husband do as he wishes but you want no part in this. I know you know they are narcissists and I wish you would join a support group as you cannot win ever. You need to learn how to "manage" them. This is a must.
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01-09-2014 20:40 #106-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Your husband may have lost his pineapples but that doesn't mean you have to. As others have said your hubby can have a social life with his family but that doesn't mean you have to. You don't have to talk to your mil on the phone (Hun: why would you do that to yourself?). As for your DS visiting his grandparents you might not have control over that unfortunately if your hubby decides to let them meet again then there's probably nothing you can do. Perhaps you could suggest to hubby that they meet at your house, while you go out for a coffee? (So the dog is not around). Or they could meet at a dog-free park?. As for the loan, you don't have to sign anything. Your hubby might but when it comes to buying a new property he would need your signature.
Bottom line: you can't stop your hubby from interacting with his family. You can stop yourself though, and put some limitations on your DS.
Big hugs xxx sorry you are so stressed out. Hope bubba is growing big and strong xx
01-09-2014 20:49 #107
As pps have also said and I agree with, you can't expect to fight a narcissist and win. They will never let you win, it's a game. Read up online, there is a wealth of information, if that's what you think you're dealing with. Google grey rock + narcissist for tips on getting off their radar.
01-09-2014 21:40 #108Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2013
Unfortunately I have to agree with the majority of the respondents. Your in laws are toxic, narcissistic, dangerous people who will stop at nothing to get their way.
It's all or nothing with these types of people. You either bend to their will or they will make your life a living hell...or you cut them out completely. You cannot compromise or reason with people like this.
Today it's money, your sil issues. Then what? What's next? They will always have something they want or will try and impose on you. There will never be an end in sight if they are in your life. The question is..can you really live like this indefinitely?
01-09-2014 22:45 #109
The way t was before they came over to 'help' DH with the gardening was good. I had nothing to do with them and DH would take DS to their house every few weeks for supervised visits, and I would not go. They didn't like it of course as even though they'd get stuck into me whenever i was in their house/territory, the fact i stopped going made them realise they had lost that power over me where they loved making me feel like I had to try to win them over all the time. I didn't care anymore, and that drove them insane. But i was happy and safe from their crap.
Since they have forced themselves into our home (it was their idea to come over and do gardening, DH gave in after putting them off for 2 years and he mistakenly thought they'd be 'different'... and boy was he very wrong) and since then DH and I have almost split up twice because they riled us up pretty badly.
Anyways spoke about it again with DH ... I have told him straight that I am disgusted with his little attempts to getting into my head to make me agree to things and back down with them. I told him if he is going to keep trying to do that with me then ill boot him out. And that i no longer want him to speak about them to me unless its to do with how the visit with Devin went. otherwise, anything out - i am done with it all. And i made it clear that things are to go back t how they were with me having nothing to do with them and DH taking DS for occasional supervised visits. Thankfully DH does manage to keep them pretty under control while I am not there and the dog is kept outside. And they are apparently too busy fussing over DS for them to all fight with each other. I feel terrible sending DS off without me going to make sure all is ok. but i just have to trust his father is doing the right thing. Apparently
they mainly say their anti-gay prayers and crap like that when I am there.
DH isn't ready to cut them off, but I am.
And yeah i know all about narcissists my own mother is one. She's also a bad case so I am well aware of dealing with them and have come to learn that unfortunately the best way to deal with them is to not deal with them at all.
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01-09-2014 22:55 #110
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