His reponse to that though would be "But i am only wanting this so we can get out of here sooner. Its for us more than them"
I just give up. Something is gonna have to give as I have been putting up with this sh!t for about 10 years now. Either the marriage, or my spine will have to give.
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01-09-2014 14:43 #91
01-09-2014 14:49 #92
Wow Op. You poor thing.
I don't know that I'm good at advice but my immediate reaction was that if you give in now, where does it end?
Have you told your DH your bottom line with his family? Have you told him you're considering separation over this? I don't mean to use that as a threat but to show him how serious you are about this.
Your role as a parent is to protect your child and family from harm. A poppy that swears at your child, an aunt who bags you out and a Nanna who is manipulative and dangles money as a means to access your family and control you are not people id allow into my child's life easily.
I think you need to seek some professional advice - counselling to help you stay strong and perhaps legal to be really clear on the potential ramifications of all this would be good.
But DO NOT get beaten down over this!
Thinking of you Op x
01-09-2014 14:51 #93
I have read along and just wanted to say I don't think you're being hard headed at all. Its such a horrible situation you are faced with especially as you are pregnant and dont need this from them including your husband!!
I hope he stays by you and you can remain a team... Im also pregnant with my 2nd and have/had issues with in-laws so I really feel your pain... really hope it works out for the best and doesn't confuse your poor ds too x
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01-09-2014 15:08 #94
Your in laws sound a LOT like mine. They are toxic, controlling narcissists who will use any means of threats/intimidation/bribery to get their way. DH and I have had counselling over how to deal with them, and in reality there is only one way: RUN. They have clearly been used to pulling all the strings for a long time, and they will set out to destroy anyone who refuses to bow down and kiss their feet, all the while looking the other way whenever they behave badly. My in laws get between their sons and any woman they don't find "acceptable", which means submissive. They said horrible things about my husbands first wife on their wedding day ffs! They love his brother's wife because she is very passive and happy to suck up to them. We hadn't seen them for years when our children were born, but as soon as they heard they were grandparents it was on again. They even tried to take us to court for custody of children they'd never met.
Long story short, the only one who can truly put a stop to this is your husband. I suspect he's the only one they'll listen to. And even then, they won't give up without a fight and he'll need to stand by you while they try every possible angle to suck him back in. I wouldn't take so much as a tissue from them. Run. Run and don't look back.
01-09-2014 15:10 #95
Its not in my nature at all to ever back down on something I believe in ... but they have me pushed in a corner. I am too pregnant to be leaving Dh right now, I have no where else to go if i did decide to leave, then Ill be on mat leave but only paid on a part time basis so wont be able to afford to get my own place until we sell this house...
Its now starting to become aware to me that maybe just backing down and letting everyone do as they please really is the easier answer....I wont be in a position to separate until i return back to work, and that will have to be on a full time basis... how will i manage that though as a single mum with a new born and a toddler?
They now this. They know i am really not in a position to be able to hold my ground for much longer as the position I am now in the walls are closing in.
01-09-2014 15:14 #96
Sorry if I worded my post badly. I meant run from the in laws, not your DH. Although I understand it may come to that. Your current situation is very tough. Perhaps just pick your battles? I would definitely be holding firm on not letting them babysit while there is a dangerous or potentially dangerous dog.
01-09-2014 15:28 #97
Obviously this situation is extremely complicated.
Being pregnant adds to that.
You can allow everyone else to do exactly as they please but that doesn't mean YOU have to actively participate in their decisions.
If DH wants to forgive SiL - he can go right ahead.
If DH wants to accept money from his parents - he can go right ahead
But for you Op, "No" is a complete sentence!
DH says "blah blah SIL wants to come over"
You say "No"
You don't need to explain, you've explained your position enough. Just say no. Say no to SIL, say no to MIL say no to FIL and say no to DH.
They can do whatever they choose but you don't have to.
You also don't have to engage the crazy if they try and argue with you. You actually don't owe these people any kind of explanation or conversation at all.
I understand the energy it takes to fight back. So maybe stop fighting? Doesnt mean you have to agree. It just means you drop the rope and don't engage in fighting or arguing behaviour with any of them.
You can be your truly wonderful self without arguing. Just ignore any conversation about any of it- no matter who tries to start the conversation.
Having said that, Op, only you know what you can and can't do and it's up to you. Wishing you all the very best whatever you decide to do
01-09-2014 15:29 #98
The funny thing is my DH has been standing by me for the last few years but they have finally found a way to crack it. I am now feeling officially defeated as this has proven to me his loyalty is not genuine as all they need to do is offer something more appealing, like money, and they have him back again on their side. I can't keep playing this tug of war with him. I am just so upset this is all going on while I am about to have another baby. What better time for them though.
DH a while ago was completely on board with me about not letting them babysit due to the fact they have that dog there, and also because of their behavior in general. But now he had the nerve to say to me yesterday 'Its a shame you don't trust them to look after DS. I wonder if you ever will" as if I am the one with the issue here! And i just can't help but feel he is actually trying to get in my head and manipulate me....
01-09-2014 15:29 #99
You don't need your inlaws. You don't need their money. You do not need to give in to your b1tch of a SIL. Stand tall and proud. Tell your DH you will not back down, you and your DS are his family now, and that should be enough. Don't turn it into an argument, as pp said just say no. End of conversation. F the money and their blackmail about the will. They will continue to use that threat long after if you cave in to their initial demands... You need to take that power away by telling them you don't care.
We are here for you OP!
01-09-2014 15:49 #100
[QUOTE=safam;7916422]Your in laws sound a LOT like mine. They are toxic, controlling narcissists who will use any means of threats/intimidation/bribery to get their way.
Please do some reading up (if you haven't already) about narcissistic personality disorder.
Knowledge is power and reading up online was my first step of empowerment to understand and learn how to cope when my in laws were being horribly nasty.
My husband and I went through a full year of marriage counseling due to his parents as that was an issue that had me pack my things and threaten to leave if we couldn't find a way to be on the same page with his parents and for the fighting to stop.
I was a stay at home mum at the time, I had no money! I didn't even have a bank account in my name but I was fully prepared to sleep in my car, I just couldn't handle the vile abuse his parents were throwing my way.
That was the moment my DH finally realized the way his parents were acting was not normal or healthy, we got help and it was so hard for DH to change his thinking after years of manipulation from his parents. It's a complex disorder but these people find ways to make sure their kids NEED them and to make sure they rely on them for life.
DH stood his ground with them after counseling, cut contact, but they don't give up, it's been over a year of no contact at all and they just tried to contact him again because we bought an investment property and his parents are trying to get into the property rent free (long story) he is standing his ground, via ignoring them completely, but it's been so hard on him and he is going back to counseling now to try and work through all the anxiety it has caused.
I DID back down at one point and just thought "F.ck it" and just decided to deal with his parents and follow the orders the barked, but once the get what they need from you, once you have for filled their purpose, they will honestly tear you to shreds and more often than not you CANT get out of that situation because some way they have trapped you, you become a shell of a person.
They did this to me, and it was the most harrowing experience of my life.
That nearly broke my marriage down, standing my grounds and not complying with them never had the same effect as the devastation of what bending and folding for these people did.
It broke parts of me for life.
As for your FIL swearing to your child, I've been there, my MIL called our 2 year old daughter the C word, to her face.
She actually said to my daughter "you are nothing but a C**t like your mother"
My husband did loose it, he went crazy at his mum, demanded she apologize, she refused and said I should apologize to her as I was the "C"
DH didn't speak to her for a month, but some way, some how, MIL made her actions justified, became the victim and had DH eating out of her hands again.
If my DH and I didn't go to counseling and get help, if he wasn't the man he is now that can see their true intentions and understand how abusive they are with their manipulation and actions I can honestly say I would have left with dd and went into hiding.
Narcissists are incredibly toxic.
Every thing they do is for their own gain and I wouldn't put the most vile acts past them.
my situation was extreme but so much of what you have written screams narcissism.
Do some reading up about it, see if the signs are there and if they are, I would really recommend some counseling.
Please stand your ground otherwise It will only get worse.
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