Wasn't sure where to put this so hopefully it is in the right section!
I just wanted to start off by saying I don't for one second believe that we are all to blame for delays in any way this is ALL about my personality. I have a nasty nasty habit of blaming myself for most things and laying incredible guilt on myself which obviously doesn't help anybody but It's something that I do all the time
Since ds1 was 20 months we have been going through the steps of having him assessed for his lack of speech. He is on the 12 month waiting list to see a public speechy and we have just started him with a private one. Over the last 6 weeks we have had a full health check done by the paeds at the public hospital. She asked millions of questions about everything and she spent a lot of time playing and getting to know him, we also filled out a huge questionnaire too. Anyway some questions were a bit out there and a lot of them were to be expected but one question that was bought up a couple of times has been playing on my mind.
She asked if there was any post natal depression after he was born. I told her that yes there was. I sought help and my gp threw a years supply of anti depressents at me and sent me on my way...I was there all of 5 minutes. So that made me embarrassed and I never went back. I believe my pnd was quite bad although not severe. Ds1 was also a very difficult baby who never slept more than 40 minutes for the first 18 months and had reflux. She was very lovely and empathetic about what I went through which was nice. I fell pregnant with ds2 when he was 15 months old and the paed asked how he coped when his brother was born. I know she was just trying to see if there were any big events that may have contributed to his lack of speech. He was barely speaking when his brother was born anyway and he has coped beautifully with it all so the paed said that probably had nothing to do with it.
His final appointment was yesterday and she said that she believes he has an expressive speech delay, his development in all other areas is fine. But she went through the report she had written quickly and there was a paragraph noted in her findings about my pnd and how I struggled with him for the first two years.
Yes that is true but hearing it being mentioned a few times and being written as part of his report has left me feeling quite sad and feeling at fault. Could my pnd have contributed to his delay? No matter what was going on I was always interactive with him and always described things and talked/sung to him all the time. I already felt like I hadn't done enough with him and now I'm definitely feeling like I should have done a lot more. I already felt like his delay was my fault because I struggled to be a great and happy parent but this has kind of cemented that for me.
Has anybody else been through this? Did you blame yourself even though it wasn't your fault? How did you deal with the guilt that you placed on yourself? I'm sure I'm just being a tad sensitive about it all but going through this process has been emotionally hard and stressful and I guess this just adds to all of it.
*I just wanted to reiterate that I would never blame a parent (especially one who has struggled with pnd) for delays or anything like that. This is all about my personality and what I put myself through. *
Thanks ladies for any help and I hope I haven't offended anybody xo
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12-07-2014 11:19 #1
PND and speech delay
Last edited by Purple Lily; 12-07-2014 at 11:21.
12-07-2014 13:07 #2
I suffered severe PND after the birth of my first daughter, to the point I pretended she didnt exist a lot of the time (ie little to no interaction with her except for the essentials like feeding, changing etc). And she has always been very advanced with her speech and communication skills. Whereas my second daughter I was a completely different person, in control, loved motherhood and always interacted with her yet she didnt say a word until she was 2 and has only started speaking somewhat clearly in the last 12 months (she is now 4).
My point is dont blame yourself, your PND hasnt had an effect on your son. It sounds like you are and always have been a wonderful mummy and I think the mention of your PND is more just a medical history type thing as opposed to them saying its contributed to any isses your son has.
Be kind to yourself lovely, and easier said than done but please don't blame yourself. My bet would be this is one of those things that would have occurred regardless xxoo
He + Me = dd1 (July 2007), dd2 (July 2010), dd3 (August 2012), dd4 (May 2014)
Embrace the chaos
13-07-2014 17:45 #3
Thanks so much for your lovely reply that helps It just feels like the silliest thing to be blaming myself when I wouldn't dream of blaming another parent for their child's delay, I'm far too hard on myself I know. We are getting the report sent to us this week so I'm sure I will sit there obssessing over that one paragraph. But my plan is to only focus on ds1 and helping him because no matter what I can't change what has happened and this is all about him so I need to stop making it about me.
Thanks again for your kind words xox
13-07-2014 18:15 #4
Hi purple lily... As you know I suffered pretty severe pre natal anxiety and PND requiring a short stint in hospital.
I have beaten myself up countless times for every little possible thing that has happened to my children since their birth and trawled the internet in search of how I could possible be responsible... From my ds's allergies to my dd's eyesight, I have been convinced that somehow my anxiety and depression has been responsible and caused them long term damage.
I have since found my MIL had the same eyesight issues as dd as a child and there is also history of allergies and intolerances.... I guess my point is, as mothers we always think its somehow our fault or something we have done. Mothers beat themselves up over their kids sleep issues, weight problems, personalities etc...when in fact mostly kids are just born with predisposed conditions or personalities and we don't have nearly as much influence as we think.
How else can you explain how mothers have 5 kids with 5 different unique personalities... Even though they've brought them all up the same.
Let go of the mother guilt... I've come to the conclusion the only impact my PND and anxiety has had on my children is their wonderful compassionate and empathetic natures which is something I wouldn't trade for anything...
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