One's issues with being a stay at home mother are not fixed by switching channels/the tv off, changing clothes and putting on make up.
I've been a SAHM for 8 years now, and most likely will be for another 4 years. I f***ing hate it. Sure, it was great and I loved it once upon a time. But now? The repetitive routine, lack of adult interaction and good conversation has just driven me insane. Parenting is hard work. Damn hard work, and as much as I love my children, being somewhat isolated from the everyday world of work is really hard.
I chose to be a SAHM for the benefit of my family, but that doesn't mean that I have to love it. I am making a sacrifice for my family because that's what we felt was best, but what is best for them, isn't necessarily what is best for me, and therefore, it is absolutely okay to not like what I am doing, after so many years.
And y'know what? It doesn't matter whether I stay in my PJ's all day, or dress up like I'm spending the day out in town, whether I wear a full face of make up or not. My feelings stay the same. It doesn't matter whether my children are plonked in front of TV shows that I detest, they are outside playing happily together, or we are doing a family activity, ultimately, my feelings remain. I can be socialising with good friends, or stuck at story time with parents I don't get along with. My feelings remain the same.
Sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do, how you look or who you associate with, your feelings about decisions you have made, aren't always positive. And you know what? That is absolutely AOK.
It's okay to not like being a SAHM. It's okay to say it out loud. It's okay to complain and whinge about a choice you made, whether willingly or begrudgingly. It's okay to not be happy with where you are but continue to do it anyway if you feel it's best for those around you. It's absolutely okay to say 'I don't like it, it sucks'. It's not judgement on other people. It's not suggesting that it is the same for everyone. It is simply saying 'hey, y'know what? Sometimes, it's not great, being a SAHM is not for everyone, and that's okay'.
You shouldn't need to feel, or be made to feel guilty for feeling that way. You shouldn't need to feel as though you should be grateful to have something when so many others want it, but can't have it. Ones own feelings are just that, their own, and it's okay. It's okay to put it into words the dissatisfaction you feel for the life you currently lead.
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12-07-2014 10:51 #81
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12-07-2014 11:06 #82
12-07-2014 12:58 #83-
- Join Date
- Nov 2013
What about getting a part time job? Nights if you have to. Or studying?
12-07-2014 13:11 #84
I agree with the studying thing- even if it's more of a hobby course. I did 2 separate courses a few years ago- quite honestly I only did them so I could get away from dd1 (my only child at the time). Ended up being a great decision, I felt like I was using my mind again and met some wonderful people. I felt part of a bigger picture again, not just trapped in my own little mundane bubble of routine.
He + Me = dd1 (July 2007), dd2 (July 2010), dd3 (August 2012), dd4 (May 2014)
Embrace the chaos
12-07-2014 13:31 #85
I had many many many years of massive SAHM envy..... until I finally took a year off and became one, it was one of the hardest years of my life! I feel for the mums that work and wished they didn't, I feel for the mums that are at home and wish they weren't, to me the horrific thing is no personal choice for ourselves.
I loved OPs post and I hope she felt better for getting it off her chest, I had a snicker because I could totally relate to parts of it, I too had strong feelings about Anthony Wiggle and abit of a mum crush on Jimmy Giggle in that strange year
12-07-2014 14:17 #86
12-07-2014 14:44 #87
Ah yes OP I think you're definitely not alone there! It definitely becomes a giant rutt for many sahm's. I have enjoyed the times I've been a sahm overall but have certainly had many days feeling just like this too! And I had DS in daycare 2 days and sm studying. It's not enough, I need LOTS of 'extra-curricular' out-of-home hobbies to keep me sane and happy! Being a sahm just if itself would eventually send me to the loony bin.
I think it's true of any situation where reality in no way lives up to the prior expectation of what it will be like. The idea if it sounds lovely, the reality is that it's relentless, especially if one doesn't have the luxury of a supportive network around and access to some other stimulation.
I think it's really risky to plan parenthood ahead of time. We need to be able to be flexible in case it doesn't turn out to be as ideal as we'd thought. I always get twitchy when I read posts where one person in the partnership pressures the other to 'stay home' or 'go out and get a job now'. If its important to you (generally speaking) then you do it, but you can and should never try to control someone else's life in such a way, especially someone you're supposed to love and cherish!
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12-07-2014 21:26 #88
I felt that exact same way ! I went back to work after bub turned 7 months old and was so glad I did . I felt like I was of no value being home all the time that feeling is horrible. I just couldn't be a full time stay at home mum just wasn't for me. Back at work 2 days a week now and yes I am tired as Bub is sleeping terrible but I have more self worth I suppose and I enjoy doing something away from home and being around adults. I definitely understand you
17-07-2014 23:38 #89
It's taken me a few days to digest this.
To say I was floored by your support is an understatement.
Before now I couldn't really think of what to say. I just kept checking the thread to see if it was mine!
Even those who proffered less than positive advice or comments, they too were gifts.
And I understand that not everyone gets irony.
But this piece has elicited a shift at home. I showed this thread to DH. He read it, we talked about it and we are mid-compromise at present. Good things will follow. I just know it.
Yes, my original post was about me not about being an SAHM in general.
And yes, I was worried about being painted a whinger and an ungrateful b....
But gee, I'm so glad I wrote it!
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18-07-2014 10:13 #90
I' really glad that it has made a positive difference for you. That in writing things down you have decided to make changes.
And I hope the changes make things better.
btw - No - its not just a whinge, its a conversation about what makes you happy.
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