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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2014

    Default Being a SAHM sucks, actually.

    I have three sons - 3.5, 2.5 and 4 months whom I love and adore immensely. When they were born, we made the decision that they were to be cared for at home, not to be sent to child care "because you don't have kids for someone else to look after" is how my DH put it at one point.

    So I did. And I hate it. Coming into my fourth year and I feel as though I'm working towards a tombstone rather than a milestone.

    Since turning in my work card, I have found that, largely, we SAHMs are supposed to be forever grateful for be able to stay home, to grovel at the foot of the Home Care Goddess because we have been spared the grindstone of full-time work. That we should count ourselves fortunate, that we have what so many others don't and if you complain or air dissatisfaction with life in any way then you're a cow.


    I'm not grateful at all. I think being a SAHM sucks, actually. I feel like a numpty. My brain is used to navigate dishwashing versus nappy changing, feeding, burping, cleaning and making really important decisions such as whether I should be using the broom or steam mop in the kitchen today...

    I used to have responsibilities. I used to interact with other adults daily, engage in healthy discussions and enjoy close friendships. I was appreciated and recognised for doing a job well done. Nowadays, if I don't get the entire house clean and the kids mopped up I think to myself, crikey, what have you been doing all day? Worse, if someone else asked me that, the most I could come up with is a fight I had with the vacuum cleaner or why milk fed vomit is so hard to get off the carpet.

    I wish The Wiggles would go and wiggle themselves to death, I wish to god Thomas the Tank Engine would roll off a pier and die, Bookaboo could read a fkg book and get over it and The Wot Wots...well I'm sure there's an institution for them somewhere.

    My usual outfit is sparkly Slumbies and trackies..which I take pride in keeping clean. Although when I venture out to the library I do put a nice top on. Hair? Makeup? What's that? Haha.

    I used to venture to mother's club and a playgroup. But I stopped going to the first when all I heard was incessant chattering about all the stresses of being a SAHM, how it's such a busy job with barely time left to brush your hair and how there was just no time in the day to enjoy "me" time and how can you be so selfish for even thinking you could have time away from the kids. Why I stopped going to playgroup is much simpler: one of mums asked me what was wrong with my eldest child. As in, "He looks a bit slow. What's wrong wiv 'im?" And that's another thing. Hanging around deadbeats is not good for the soul.

    And I don't care what Jesus would do. I'm conscious enough about obtaining financial benefit from the government. I don't need to live the stereotype.

    So once I got over the comment about my slow child, I stopped listening to DH's denials and did what I should have done a year ago: I had him formally assessed. Hehasautism. There. Got it out. Yes, I'm in denial. He has a language problem, I say to myself. Those repetitive behaviours are just a childhood thing...maybe if I paid more attention when he was 19 months and started losing words he would have gotten over them quicker. Yes. It's like that. DH feels the paediatrician and the OT and the ST got it all wrong. Not his boy. Not on our watch. The professionals tell me I must send him to child care. That he must interact. That he must be part of a program. But I don't want to let my little boy go. I want him to stay home with me forever. Let's not mention our second child at this point who is exhibiting symptoms on the darker side of the spectrum that quietly terrify me.

    Then I remember how bloody boring it is at home. The endless cycle of housework, routine feeding, washing, cleaning, feeding, games, books, tv, feeding...and the same thing the next day and the day after that.

    To be honest, I want to go to work. I feel I'd be more useful there. In the last few years I've felt my brain shrink and realizing that I'll be a SAHM for another few years just fills me with dread. Mentally it's mind numbing. Financially, it's hard to swallow. I can't even keep a house clean while being home all day. I don't earn any money and the likelihood of ever working again is like watching a mist fade off into the distance.

    So aside from the mundane coffee dates, flying around the house in repetitive, cloth wielding circles, what I hate the most is the pressure from other mothers and society to be perfect and that I must love being a SAHM or risk being called an ungrateful b.itch. Women suffer guilt enough as it is as mothers and constantly worrying if we are doing a good job because all we can do is compare ourselves to one another. I'm just not suited to day long day care.

    In a few words, being a SAHM sucks.

    I have never actually aired any of this aloud before because of the fear of being judged, categorised, belittled.

    And then being asked, "Well what possessed you to have kids then?"

    I have my Kevlar vest on. You may fire at will.

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  3. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Big hugs. It's good to say it out loud! I can so relate to much of what you are feeling & also have a DH with similar views, I secretly dread the idea that after next baby my return to work might not be an option for us. (Though even now I only work one day a week, it's a reprieve and better than nothing.)

    Tbh getting away from the house, housework, snotty noses, breastfeeding, clingy baby, getting away for that 8 hours a week is my sanity keeper! Having real adult conversations and not having to constantly do the same thing every freaking day.. Heaven!

    I hope you can find some balance, and plenty of support as you both come to terms with your eldest child's autism diagnosis, it can be devastating when things aren't how you planned. Be gentle with yourself & eachother .. & don't be afraid to vent from time to timexx
    Last edited by monkey&&me; 10-07-2014 at 05:33.

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    What's stopping you from getting a part time job if you think it sucks so much? I have to work 1 day a week and we are really struggling because I dont want to work any more days. I am one of those mums who would love to be a SAHM though. No pressure to go to work every week would be great for me. Maybe you could just do 1 or 2 days a week to get you back out there interacting with adults again. We have 4 month olds in care at our centre and if they are not an extremely clingy baby (like mine was) then they normally go fine in care 😊

    If a professional is suggesting your child should go to daycare then it would probably be a great thing for him. I work in a daycare and we have a few kids who have been told the same thing and who have stay at home mums, and after being in car for a while they thrive on seeing how all the other kids interact and behave. They get to have so many fun and especially sensory experiences in daycare it would be great fun for him. People seem to think of daycare as just babysitting but in reality the teachers are like school teachers observing you child to see how they are progressing and doing activities to teach them things through play.

    Get out there and do something for you if being at home is upsetting you so much. Hope your DH can support you on that xx
    Last edited by mrswhitehouse; 10-07-2014 at 05:38.

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  6. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 posts
    If your husband believes, "you don't have kids for someone else to look after" then perhaps he should be the one who stays home looking after them.

    Can you at least get out for a day on the weekend and your husband look after the kids?

    I find getting out of the house (even with the kids) helps keep me sane.

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  8. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
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    Mega hugs op.

    Sent from my SM-N9005 using The Bub Hub mobile app

  9. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Massive hugs OP x

    P.s well written post!
    Last edited by kw123; 10-07-2014 at 07:11.

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  11. #7
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    I can so relate to this. I was a SAHM for 7 years and I loved it for 4 of those years. The last 3 years felt exactly how you described. I stopped being a SAHM because I couldn't do it any longer and I enjoy my kids soooooo much more, and I feel so much more accomplished in my adult life because my daily achievement is more than having sparkling floors at the end of the day. I'd lost myself, and I felt boring. I had nothing I could talk about to anyone who wasn't a SAHM. My 'adult' conversations revolved around kid stuff. I had nothing else to talk about, because I never did anything that wasn't kid related.
    I waited until my youngest was a toddler before I 'left him' and those baby years, whilst I'm glad I gave him that start to life with me home full time, they were long and boring days. I used to cry folding the washing, just thinking 'this is my life.'
    Now my kids are all out of nappies, and we are nearing the end of winter school holidays together and I have had the BEST time. I've enjoyed being able to keep my house clean....because I'm on holidays (from studies), and it's a nice change.
    I'd sit your DH down and tell him you've had enough and put a plan in place for you to stop being a SAHM...it was the only thing that keep me sane those last couple of years, was knowing it wasn't forever and my days as a SAHM had a deadline.

  12. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Very well written and I can relate somewhat - maybe a writing career?

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  14. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    This is me! I'm about to start my third lot of mat leave and I'm not looking forward to it. My husband works 7 days a week and we live rurally so it's really hard to justify driving to town just for play dates and things like that. I'm going to go crazy!

  15. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    I so identify with much of what you have written. And I've only been a SAHM for 18 months!!
    And wow. .. so well written and witty. ..I was smiling and having a chuckle at some of your examples. .. Maybe a career in writing or blogging is on the cards?
    I'm actually starting part time work next week and although part of me knows I'll miss the staying home. .. In my trackies!! I'll be busy with working and getting home duties done and getting to dress up like I used to and talk to grown ups. Well sort of.. I'm a teacher! There's good and bad.
    But like you. ...I'm totally not cut out to be a SAHM.
    I loved your post. No need for kevlar vests.

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app


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