Almost like a cheater projects the assumption of cheating on their partner, DP projects that I am not a good and honest person on me.
We have had a massive argument over the last couple of days. I called him to ask if he was alright, and rather than being grateful that I was concerned or even cordial with me, he just started projecting all this stuff at me that I in no way feel. He thinks I am nasty, I don't care about him and that I need to stop pretending to care.
When he doesn't love himself, how do I get him to see the good and loving person I am?
Even if we were to fully separate, I would want nothing but the best for him. Yes, it would be hard, but I truly want people to be happy.
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09-07-2014 07:31 #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2010
DP projects his feelings on me.
09-07-2014 11:30 #2
wow. I don't know how I would handle this. I will need to think about it. you have two children, so they have to be considered too. ill come back, hugs. marie
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09-07-2014 12:15 #3
I hope you forgive me for being blunt, but this sounds very much like the type of arguments I had in my marriage. You can't get him to see you that way. For whatever reason, it is easier for him emotionally to see you as his enemy rather than himself as his enemy, if that makes any sense. You could try asking for examples of the behaviour he accuses you of, because if he actually can provide some it can give you some insight into the way he interprets situations.
So an example from me was, I once heard a loud noise from the kitchen and then something smashed. I called out to my husband 'are you alright?' And he got really annoyed with me. I didn't handle it well at all because, understandably, I was hurt and annoyed that such a question could anger him. Eventually we got to the bottom of the fact that me asking him if he was alright was interpreted as emasculating him and thinking he was an idiot who couldn't handle the situation. Or, if he had been hurt, he wouldn't have wanted me to know about it because he felt foolish. Now, I'm not suggesting for a second that this is a rational reaction, or a fair one, but it gave me insight and helped me not to take these sort of arguments so personally. Because as soon as I knew that about him, as ridiculous as I felt he was being, I just stopped asking that question. It became his problem.
But ultimately, how anyone interprets you is something we can't control. You can try modeling the behaviour you like to receive, and you can try and reinforce that what your partner sees is not your reality, but beyond that there is little you can do. My husband told me for the final years of our marriage that I was dishonest, and a bad person, with seemingly no redeeming qualities at all, because I made a couple of decisions that he didn't agree with. He couldn't see they were things I did, not the person I was. The thing was, even though I disagreed with him at first, it eventually became my reality too, and I'm in the process of trying to undo the fact that I took his words on and believed it about myself too.
You sound like you care a lot about your DP, so it's definitely worth trying to have a conversation and just both lay your cards out about how you're feeling. Try to be open to his feelings, even if they seem ludicrous to you, and to acknowledge that they're real to him, and then insist he do the same for you. He sounds like he's harbouring resentment about something specific and it's spilling over into your everyday interactions. Good luck, and I hope everything's ok.
09-07-2014 12:30 #4
Ahhhh it's the same here you poor thing it's sad when they can't see the good in us when all we truly want is a good life for them why can't the repay us the same respect
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09-07-2014 13:18 #5
At times my partner will do something similar with me. He will look at something I do, think how HE would be feeling/thinking in order to act that way, and infer that I feel that way. He KNOWS that's unreasonable. When he's calm, he will easily reason through the situation and see that the assumptions are unfair. When emotionally invested though, he has a LOT of trouble though with the idea that people react to the same stimuli in different ways.
Does your partner ever see his behaviour as unfair, or does he think it's entirely justified?
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09-07-2014 13:28 #6
it is hard
when a person has low self esteem, they do not see themself as loveable ... they dont see that you CAN love them ... not really, truly, deeply ... as they see that they are not worthy
So they project feelings - like you are just saying it out of pity, to put them down, to patronise them etc
Until his self esteem improves - its going to be hard. And that takes time, an enormous amount of effort, often professional councelling and a LOT from you.
Whether or not you can ever do enough is up to your circumstances.
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