+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    1,033
    Thanks
    570
    Thanked
    331
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default DP projects his feelings on me.

    Almost like a cheater projects the assumption of cheating on their partner, DP projects that I am not a good and honest person on me.

    We have had a massive argument over the last couple of days. I called him to ask if he was alright, and rather than being grateful that I was concerned or even cordial with me, he just started projecting all this stuff at me that I in no way feel. He thinks I am nasty, I don't care about him and that I need to stop pretending to care.

    When he doesn't love himself, how do I get him to see the good and loving person I am?

    Even if we were to fully separate, I would want nothing but the best for him. Yes, it would be hard, but I truly want people to be happy.

  2. #2
    SuperGranny's Avatar
    SuperGranny is online now Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    sunshine coast qld
    Posts
    6,477
    Thanks
    5,157
    Thanked
    3,029
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    wow. I don't know how I would handle this. I will need to think about it. you have two children, so they have to be considered too. ill come back, hugs. marie

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to SuperGranny For This Useful Post:

    Nomia  (09-07-2014)

  4. #3
    harvs's Avatar
    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
    Winner 2016 - Member you'd most like to meet
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    10,212
    Thanks
    6,495
    Thanked
    16,560
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/4/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 2/4/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 19/3/15Busiest Member of the Week200 Posts in a week
    I hope you forgive me for being blunt, but this sounds very much like the type of arguments I had in my marriage. You can't get him to see you that way. For whatever reason, it is easier for him emotionally to see you as his enemy rather than himself as his enemy, if that makes any sense. You could try asking for examples of the behaviour he accuses you of, because if he actually can provide some it can give you some insight into the way he interprets situations.

    So an example from me was, I once heard a loud noise from the kitchen and then something smashed. I called out to my husband 'are you alright?' And he got really annoyed with me. I didn't handle it well at all because, understandably, I was hurt and annoyed that such a question could anger him. Eventually we got to the bottom of the fact that me asking him if he was alright was interpreted as emasculating him and thinking he was an idiot who couldn't handle the situation. Or, if he had been hurt, he wouldn't have wanted me to know about it because he felt foolish. Now, I'm not suggesting for a second that this is a rational reaction, or a fair one, but it gave me insight and helped me not to take these sort of arguments so personally. Because as soon as I knew that about him, as ridiculous as I felt he was being, I just stopped asking that question. It became his problem.

    But ultimately, how anyone interprets you is something we can't control. You can try modeling the behaviour you like to receive, and you can try and reinforce that what your partner sees is not your reality, but beyond that there is little you can do. My husband told me for the final years of our marriage that I was dishonest, and a bad person, with seemingly no redeeming qualities at all, because I made a couple of decisions that he didn't agree with. He couldn't see they were things I did, not the person I was. The thing was, even though I disagreed with him at first, it eventually became my reality too, and I'm in the process of trying to undo the fact that I took his words on and believed it about myself too.

    You sound like you care a lot about your DP, so it's definitely worth trying to have a conversation and just both lay your cards out about how you're feeling. Try to be open to his feelings, even if they seem ludicrous to you, and to acknowledge that they're real to him, and then insist he do the same for you. He sounds like he's harbouring resentment about something specific and it's spilling over into your everyday interactions. Good luck, and I hope everything's ok.

  5. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to harvs For This Useful Post:

    HillDweller  (09-07-2014),Nomia  (09-07-2014)

  6. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Mildura
    Posts
    1,565
    Thanks
    486
    Thanked
    395
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    Ahhhh it's the same here you poor thing it's sad when they can't see the good in us when all we truly want is a good life for them why can't the repay us the same respect

  7. The Following User Says Thank You to LiterallyNoOne For This Useful Post:

    Nomia  (09-07-2014)

  8. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    3,058
    Thanks
    1,782
    Thanked
    2,353
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Hmm...
    At times my partner will do something similar with me. He will look at something I do, think how HE would be feeling/thinking in order to act that way, and infer that I feel that way. He KNOWS that's unreasonable. When he's calm, he will easily reason through the situation and see that the assumptions are unfair. When emotionally invested though, he has a LOT of trouble though with the idea that people react to the same stimuli in different ways.

    Does your partner ever see his behaviour as unfair, or does he think it's entirely justified?

  9. The Following User Says Thank You to Renn For This Useful Post:

    Nomia  (09-07-2014)

  10. #6
    BH-KatiesMum's Avatar
    BH-KatiesMum is offline Community Manager
    Winner 2008 - The most optimistic poster
    Winner 2014 - Most Helpful Moderator
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Perth WA
    Posts
    23,020
    Thanks
    5,690
    Thanked
    6,151
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Awards:
    Past Moderator
    200 Posts in a week100 Posts in a week


    it is hard

    when a person has low self esteem, they do not see themself as loveable ... they dont see that you CAN love them ... not really, truly, deeply ... as they see that they are not worthy

    So they project feelings - like you are just saying it out of pity, to put them down, to patronise them etc


    Until his self esteem improves - its going to be hard. And that takes time, an enormous amount of effort, often professional councelling and a LOT from you.

    Whether or not you can ever do enough is up to your circumstances.


  11. The Following User Says Thank You to BH-KatiesMum For This Useful Post:

    Nomia  (09-07-2014)


 

Similar Threads

  1. Show me your projects
    By Jontu in forum General Chat
    Replies: 45
    Last Post: 18-06-2014, 15:07
  2. Model for Maternity Projects Wollongong NSW
    By carlyie in forum Models Wanted
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 14-08-2013, 15:51

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
FEATURED SUPPORTER
Cots on BubhubLooking to buy a cot or bassinet? :: Cot safety checklist :: Local or online nursery ...
FORUMS - chatting now ...
REVIEWS
"Made bed time less anxious"
by Meld85
My Little Heart Whisbear - the Humming Bear reviews ›
"Wonderful natural Aussie made product!"
by Mrstwr
Baby U Goat Milk Moisturiser reviews ›
"Replaced good quality with cheap tight nappies"
by Kris
Coles Comfy Bots Nappies reviews ›