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  1. #1
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    Default How to get my point across?

    I have posted before about MIL & SIL, they don't approve of me & have said some rather nasty things about me to DF. As a result he doesn't speak to them and hasn't for about 2 months.. They haven't made much of an effort with DF since aside from a text to congratulate us on our engagement. In the meantime, DFs father has had some personal tragedies and we agreed to move in to help him out emotionally and financially. It is a dual living house so he will live on level 1 with DF myself & my DD on level 2 however level 2 is 2 bedrooms & smallish, and because I was worried about space I said that I would agree to 6 months initially & see how we go. Now though, I am 10 weeks pregnant and we are moving in in August, leaving only 4-5 mths until I am due. DF wants to stay in his Dads house until our child (DFs first) is 6 months old but I am worried about not having privacy from his father who is retired, and having 2 adults & 2 kids in a small 2 bedroom house. I tried to explain that I don't really want to stay there after I have our child because of the above & he said that he has given up his family (MIL & SIL) for me & his freedom for my daughter, and even though he's done that by his own accord, why can't I give up something I want for him? It just really kicked me in the guts to hear him say he gave up his family & his freedom for me - I tried to explain that it made me feel bad but he doesn't get it and said that was the reality of it. I burst into tears as I did nothing wrong to his family, they don't like me because I have a daughter, and I don't want to feel to blame for him not having freedom or a relationship with his family. I just feel like he is not respecting my wish to have our own space & now I feel guilted into giving in because he says he gave up his life for me. He has also said that he thinks it's best because I won't be working and it's his money that will be paying for rent... What do I do? I can see me being unhappy at his Dads, I didn't want to move there in the first place but didn't tell him that, just agreed because he is family & he needs help. I'm just at a loss at what to do
    Last edited by ChelleBH; 22-06-2014 at 08:20.

  2. #2
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    Hugs!! Sorry that you are in this horrible position. I don't really have advice but maybe it's time to re-visit the conversation if mil and sil.

    I have been in your situation on twise. My step-father family was not accepting of my mom because she had me..somehow they worked it out..me and my mom don't have much to do with them..especially me but he maintains a relationship with them.

    Currently my partner is straight out against me and our relationship. She still has a relationship with them and I keep out of it.

    I think even though he cut them off on his own accord he may have felt that he had to choose between you and them. Unfortunately if this is not addressed he will use it for the rest of your lives every time you don't agree on something. For all you know he may be harboring some resentment.

  3. #3
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    It sounds like this is important to him. I would just go with it, personally. You don't know for sure that it's going to be bad. If it is really bad your DF will likely feel the same way and be more willing to agree with you.

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    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    It doesn't sound ideal, but 6 months isn't forever. If you do decide to stay on after your baby is born, just keep reminding yourself that's it's a temporary arrangement. Sometimes we all have to do things we don't like/want to do in life.. And you'll be helping out his father which is a positive.
    Also, I think 2 bedrooms is ok.. 1 for you and your DF, the other for your daughter, then wouldn't the baby be in with you both for a while anyway? A third bedroom isn't really "needed", you can surely live without it for 6 months?
    As for your DF's comments, they do sounds insensitive and hurtful. It does sound like he may have said it to try and manipulate and guilt you into moving there, which is only going to make you resent the situation even more.. now you're feeling forced into it; that coupled with the stress of a newborn and limited privacy could make for a rocky road ahead.

    It sounds like a tough situation, but again if you go ahead with it, keep in mind it won't be like that forever. Good luck.
    Last edited by ~Marigold~; 22-06-2014 at 08:50.

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    Thank you for an outside perspective. I can see that me just saying no to staying there would be hard for him - if not a little unreasonable. I think you're probably right that I need to suck it up & give it a go first.. I'm also mad because he told his Dad 12 months instead of 6 initially - and now he is trying to convince me to stay 12 months when I initially wanted to see how it went first, so I'm feeling somewhat trapped. I don't know how to explain that what he said about giving up his life was hurtful - he doesn't understand?

    As for his family, he told MIL & SIL he wanted an apology from them before he could speak to them, but since it's clear it's not coming he is talking about being the bigger person etc which I am on board with as long as he explains why he is so upset (they keep asking his younger sister what they've done wrong as they don't understand!?). I text his younger sister who I have a good relationship with this morning to touch base and see how his Mum and sister are going to hopefully start to resolve some of these issues.
    Last edited by ChelleBH; 22-06-2014 at 09:01.

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    I don't think it's fair for him to say he gave them up for you. That makes it sound like it's your fault. He's an adult and he's made a decision.

    Does dual living mean your area is separate and private from his dad, with a locked door and stuff? Is there a decent size living area? I know my family gets crappy with each other when we don't have room to move and feel too crammed in. It's stressful not having much space for us.

    In theory two bedrooms should be fine for a short while if baby will be in your room anyway but moving house with a small baby is never easy so I would personally rather do it and settle in before the birth so you don't have that stress of moving plus two kids to look after.

    It's a hard one.

  7. #7
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    Default How to get my point across?

    It does sound a bit tricky, and it sounds as though his family is important to him, so if nothing else you are showing that you are supporting your DF rather than his family, if it helps to think of it that way?

    In my experience, if your DF doesn't understand by now how hurtful those words were, then it's going to be a futile effort to get him to understand. I can kind of see how maybe he felt he was just stating the truth about giving up his family - even though you didn't ask him to maybe he felt like he had no choice. Have you thanked him for taking your side/supporting you at all? Maybe he feels as though his gesture has gone unappreciated and at personal cost to him...

    I'd be calmly asking what he meant about giving up his freedom for your daughter, though. That rings alarm bells for me. Is he going to be saying the same sorts of things about your child together? What freedom is he referring to? I would definitely be getting that nutted out before your child is born. Calmly is key :-)

    Good luck. And I hope it all works out for the best.


 

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