OP: you have a good heart but.... Stop paying for everything for your friend! If she doesn't have much money then perhaps compromise. Or alternate between activities that do and don't cost a fortune.
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20-06-2014 18:18 #21-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
20-06-2014 18:24 #22
Look, she sounds a bit tight, no argument there.
But it doesn't sit right with me that she isn't grateful enough for your liking. Gratitude is a very complex thing and can be very destructive.
Offer to do things because you want to, not because you want a certain level of gratitude.
Yeah she should have bought yours kids a drink but maybe she thought they already had one or maybe she just didn't think.
Is she a good friend? Does she care about you, look after your emotional needs, there for you when you need it? If so, I would say that's more important.
If I were you I would stop offering to pay for things for her as it's obviously not something you want to do for nothing in return. Hopefully your friendship will survive, even if it changes a little.
20-06-2014 18:34 #23
I wouldn't describe her as a 'taker'. You're offering these things and she's accepting. I think it would be different if she was expecting rather than accepting.
You also said 'barely a thank you'. She said thank you, what more were you expecting?
As for the lack of wedding card, she probably felt bad about not having anything to put with it.
A friend came to our wedding and didn't get us anything, not even a card, then cracked the poops because we didn't get her a gift for her wedding (although being in the bridal party practically sent us broke). That is a taker.
Last edited by atomicmama; 20-06-2014 at 18:55.
20-06-2014 19:02 #24
This thread has made me think about a friend of mine who is fairly cashed up.
On a few occasions she has paid for things simply so I could attend (e.g, covering my accommodation for a girls weekend). I have never asked and would never ask, but she offers because she wants to spend time with me and I simply cannot afford to be a part of such things otherwise.
I always thank her, but I don't make a big deal of it because quite frankly I'm embarrassed that I don't have much money
I truly hope she doesn't think I'm a taker.
OP, you simply have to tone down your generosity if it's upsetting you.
20-06-2014 19:16 #25
I would never turn up to a wedding completely empty handed I think it's rude and something I am comfortable with- but that's just me.
20-06-2014 19:17 #26
I regularly pay for friends (and my mum) and I earn less than half of what their family does (being a single mother) but I only do so when I genuinely have no problems with it. I never give things to have people be overly grateful, if I say 'your presence is all I want' I mean it.
I've never kept tabs and I have many friends who are tight on the purse strings ... But I only offer things to those who I really want to.
I don't mean to be rude but if I offered these things of my own accord .... And they were accepted - I wouldn't expect anything in return ... Not even a drink (since they'd declined the offer in the first place due to financial reasons).
20-06-2014 19:18 #27
20-06-2014 19:21 #28
Yes I do.... How is this relevant?
Did she actually not say thank you for anything you offered? That is rude. You said "barely" a thank you so I assumed she said thanks but wasn't effusive about it enough for you (I think most people would assume that).
20-06-2014 19:21 #29Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2005
I think when you give too much and the other person doesn't, resentment can breed.
I really don't understand why people can't afford a coffee or a cheap lunch out with someone, to me that is taking the ****. I would never expect someone to pay for me for anything and if I did I would treat them next time.
20-06-2014 19:22 #30
I should probably clear up the drink thing it sounds like it has been misinterpreted...she bought 2 jugs of drink and 6 glasses. 3 glasses for her 3 children and 3 glasses for our other friends 3 children. I was hurt that my children were obviously left out, not that they didn't get a drink! All 9 children were sitting at the same table.
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