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21-06-2014 05:44 #11Senior Member
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- Feb 2006
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21-06-2014 06:07 #12
I was pregnant with DS2 when I split with my ex. Initially exH would come to my place and spend time with him between feeds (as I was breast feeding). Eventually that led to him taking him out for the a few hours at a time. I think at around 6 months he had day visits. I think at around 8 months he was having him overnights maybe two nights a fortnight. It didn't take long though until he had him 4 nights a fortnight (same time he had DS1 for who was 3).
I understand how you are feeling in terms of missing bub. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. I really struggled .... But I also wanted him to be able to form a bind with his dad. I didn't want to take that opportunity away from him based on my own personal feelings of missing him. I'm glad I persevered. He is now 3 and absolutely loves his dad. Both DS1 (now 6) and DS2 (now 3) love both of the homes and parents and it's quite smooth sailing for them going from one place to the other.
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21-06-2014 07:39 #13
My DS did not sleep over at his dads at all as a baby and now he is 3 he has started to about once a fortnight. But his dad did and always has seen him regularly during the day.
I haven't checked but crankyoldcow added some links and I'm guessing one of them is a link to an article I'm thinking of that's been posted here previously which is a very good source for both you and your DD's Dad (the whole article is excellent but if you can't read it all now refer to objects 16-36 or so):
Here is one little snippet from the article regarding attachment and overnight stays which points out the importance of regular contact for attachment over overnight contact:
" Paul Lodge tells me that when he lectures fathers on this subject about young children and attachment theory he says, “Don’t force it; the child will remember that distress and become increasingly distressed when with you.” Paul reminds fathers that formation of secure attachment relationships has nothing to do with night and day. Regular daytime is perfectly adequate to develop a secure attachment relationship as many a grandparent will attest. Overnight stays are not critical to attachment formation. It will be important to ask whether any symptoms of stress, (behavioural changes etc) coincided with the commencement of overnights or more prolonged separations from the primary care- giver...."
Don't ignore how you feel OP, instincts are there for a reason. I've yet to meet a mother who does not want their child to have a loving relationship with their other parent. Things get messy when it becomes about a parent putting their own perceived rights over what is really best for young children. I agree with other posters, seek mediation asap if your ex is being pushy.
21-06-2014 08:05 #14
As much as I can't stand my ex husband I'm not trying to keep her from him I hate him at the moment and I'm sure in time that will go but what he has done to our family disgusts me. It's not about keeping her away from him though he sees it that way, she is still very little and I worry how she will cope it's just such a hard situation do I let her stay 2 nights and form a good bond with him or risk all the things listed in research. Such a difficult one .SHAELEEJAnE thanks for your stupid comment! Maybe he should have thought of that before he decided to give up on his family ! Obviously he would have known he would see her less than every single day .
21-06-2014 08:17 #15
21-06-2014 08:33 #16
21-06-2014 10:19 #17
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