MissusMac if you're having other issues, that's a perfect excuse. Whether it not its an issue for him, it's most definitely an issue for you. If he won't take you seriously perhaps a counsellor might get through to him. He's in a marriage, he is therefore obliged to consider your wants and needs, otherwise what kind of a partnership is it.
And can I also say, if this issue has been going on for months, and it hasn't just gone away, then it's not going to go away. It will keep reading it's ugly head until it gets resolved one way or the other.
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16-06-2014 09:29 #11
Last edited by Gothel; 16-06-2014 at 09:35.
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16-06-2014 09:34 #12
Thank you ladies. It's so nice to hear I'm not actually being jealous and irrational and in fact his behaviour IS inappropriate.
She is a genuinely lovely person, and I think she would be mortified if she knew I felt this way about their friendship. I know it would never cross any lines physically, but sadly that's only because of the way she keeps him at arms length and not because I know my husband wouldn't do it! (In any other instance I would say with 100% certainty that he wouldn't cheat. But it's the way he speaks to her that gives me that little bit of doubt).
I think what also ticks me off is that when I met him I had a couple of really great guy friends, some who I'd previously been involved with but was now totally platonic. He said he wasn't comfortable with it and I cut ties. It's like there is another set of rules for him, which isn't fair.
I think I'll wait for our current stresses to blow over before I bring it up. I don't think either of us are in the frame of mind to deal with it like adults ATM. I wouldn't want to see the friendship end, because I really enjoy spending time with her, her husband and family. But the 'tone' of his contact definitely needs to change.
16-06-2014 09:40 #13
We did some a very brief stint in counselling before we got married, just as an 'iron out the kinks' type thing. So maybe if I suggested it again as a general thing he might go for it, rather than suggesting we go for a specific reason.
16-06-2014 09:43 #14
the one piece of advice I will give you is ... try to keep calm when you talk to him. Getting angry and upset - and throwing in his face the differences between what you did with your male friends, and how he is treating you ... it wont help. (I am not suggesting that that is what you have done or would do ... but in an argument its hard not to bring it up, and the heat of the moment isnt the time to talk this through)
He is being very disrespectful to your feelings, but back in the same situation, you have respected his. But you need to get him to understand that ... because he probably does not see this as an issue, just sees you getting all upset over 'nothing'
maybe write a letter. Where you can clearly explain your feelings without emotions getting caught up.
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16-06-2014 09:54 #15
That wouldn't be acceptable to me. It's great to see she can be trusted and sounds like a good friend. But I've noticed from reading so many relationship threads on here that is the method many men use to initiate inappropriate relationships - they whinge about their wife, get sympathy and it's their way of subtly telling the other woman that they are not happy.
I'm not saying that is what your husband is doing, nor that anything will eventuate (given what you have said about her, that's not going to happen). But I would be tearing DH to shreds for the flirting, particularly given he is not like this with you.
You are a lovely person Mac, you deserve to be treated like a queen, not have your DH flirting and texting with another woman while he neglects you.
16-06-2014 09:59 #16
Sorry your going through this OP
Sorry if I've miss read, but are you and this other female friends?
And she is married with her own family and she doesn't seem to be taking his bait?
I would imagine she would be feeling just as uncomfortable as you are!
If it was me I would have a chat to her.
I have been in this position, but on the other side, being that my husband and I were close with his cousin (male) who was married and had a family, we just all got on together and my husband had been close to his cousin since childhood, it all started when I was texting his cousin to organize a surprise party for DH, he started dropping hints, claiming he was in relationship trouble and I foolishly tried to "help" at first, I honestly thought the guy knew I was off limits and I was naive enough to try and "help" ,his hints being put down to the apparent hardship he was going through.
It started getting pretty bad with all the suggestive texts and I told him to stop as I wasn't comfortable with all this and I held absolutely no feelings for him.
He just wouldn't take a very obvious no.
After that, he came over one day whilst DH was at work and pretty much demanded I sleep with him, he wouldn't leave and it was extremely frightening.
I called DH who came home straight away and told him how he had been dropping hints but I thought I could just handle it myself.
DH and him had a huge fight, DH literally went over to his house and they had it out, after that the cousin STILL didn't get the hint and he started stalking me with naked photos, he would sit in his car outside our house when DH wasn't home, The police ended up getting involved and that scared him enough to finally back of.
DH and his cousin don't talk now and I never, ever want to be in that position again so I don't do texting or personal contact withsomeone from the opposite sex.
But I want you to understand how messy these things can get.
I've had a few texts from our male friends since, I will ignore the text and tell DH "oh such and such texted today wanting to know if we would like to go around on Friday night" DH will call them back from his phone and say "liddybugs told me today that you texted her about Friday night, let's organize it"
I do the same when a girl has messaged him.
I've never had texts from any of them since, we all have great friendships with them but it was made clear where DH and I stand on contact etc.
If this woman isn't taking the bait I would say she feels extremely uncomfortable, she most likely feels obliged to answer his texts due to the relationship you all have and could be holding onto the hope that he will get a hint and back off.
I would contact her and ask her straight out how she is feeling about it all.
She might even think that you know nothing and if she was to speak up it could destroy things.
And if she does have feelings for him and my idea of what could be going on is wrong, then she isn't a friend I would want in my life and I would have no issues letting her know that I'm aware of what's going on and I won't stand for it.
As for your husband, oh boy, he needs to pull his finger out!
I think you need to make it known that this behavior is something that you will not, under any circumstances, accept.
That it needs to stop immediately or you will be gone.
I understand you have said you have spoken to him about it, but step it up a notch and make it known just how fed up you are.
If he doesn't care, defends himself and shows no remorse or willingness to stop, I think you need to ask yourself what kind of man he really is.
Make it well and truly known you will not, tolerate him putting so much time and effort into another woman.
I completely understand your husband might be feeling down and is looking into another woman to boost his self confidence, but it's just not acceptable.
If he feels that way he should seek counseling, not another woman.
Another thing, this other woman has a husband and a family, your husband needs to realize how much he is disrespecting them! He is behaving in a disgusting manner.
Do you think this other woman's husband knows what's going on?
He needs to know fast that what he is doing will have a ripple effect for you, your family, the other woman, her husband and their children.
It's selfish and if he can't control himself he needs to remove him self before a whole bunch of people get hurt.
Last edited by Liddybugs; 16-06-2014 at 10:23.
16-06-2014 10:23 #17
I think I'll wait for our current stresses to blow over before I bring it up. I don't think either of us are in the frame of mind to deal with it like adults ATM.[/QUOTE]
I think this is really important for you to notice - when all this crap was going on with my DH we were both under a huge amount of stress - we had both just made major decisions about work/study/changes of career, plus a move and a large debt that needed paying off ASAP. It was just too much all at once and DH was left wondering who he was/where he was going in life - I think he pretty much went into an identity crisis which spiralled into anxiety/depression and left him open and vulnerable to this woman's friendship and "helpful" advice.
If I had written on bubhub about everything that was going on at the time people would have been screaming at me "leave him NOW" but the reality was that he actually needed me to steer him back on track and help him address his issues. While what he was doing was hurtful and I certainly wasn't going to put up with it, there was so much more to the reasons behind the texts that needed to at least try to be sorted out before I was going to consider leaving him.
The fact that she isn't encouraging anything is a very good sign. Try and see if you can get counselling sessions with him and try and work on a solution together. I considered it "our" problem rather than "his" problem and I think this outlook also helped get us back on track. I never contacted the other woman because it was "our" problem, and really it needed to come from DH, not from a screaming angry wife (even though I was fuming and wanted to tell her to bugger off!).
We did work through it and now our relationship is stronger than before and we have new boundaries in place. It can be done, but he needs to work with you for it to happen.
Hugs OP, I hope you can find a solution really soon
16-06-2014 10:57 #18
16-06-2014 11:02 #19
And don't get me wrong when I approached the other girl and DH I wasn't a screaming angry wife towards her, but she acted like a friend to me so i felt I had a right to speak up about her behavior and call her out and she'll probably think twice about messing with peoples marriages now after my chat with her. All scenarios are different though and I wouldn't do that if i didn't know the woman.
I agree though with your statements about the DH's needing to be steered back onto the right track. This sort of behavior can be due to a number of things and may not at all mean they are unhappy with the marriage.
16-06-2014 11:23 #20
I bawk at the whole 'you need to steer him on course' thing. I know that people aren't actually meaning this, but it kind of puts the onus onto the OP to somehow fix her husband or be responsible for changing his behaviour.
I think as women we tend to make excuses for our husband's behaviour bc it makes it easier to stay. But I feel we really need to remember there should be no excuses. A vast majority of men who have a wife flirting with other guys and sharing with them how unhappy she was in the marriage, would not only be very angry, but wouldn't even think "she did this bc she's stressed". They would just think the behaviour was unacceptable.... which it is. Yet we, as women do this all the time.
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