So DH has a female friend who I know quite well and get along with famously. She is also married with a family. The issue is that I'm convinced DH has a 'crush' on her and it makes me uncomfortable. He calls her cutesie little nicknames; and only ever calls me by my first name. He compliments her unprompted; but it's like getting blood out of a stone to get a compliment from him.
I knew he'd been texting her this week. He'd told me, so there is nothing secretive about their exchanges. So I had a quick flick through the messages and he had a few comments about being 'in trouble' with me and how we were arguing a lot ATM - both of which are news to me!! Along with his usual 'flirty' banter.
She's never takes his bait and never says anything inappropriate. Ie, I think he was fishing for some ego stroking but she just said 'that's a shame' and changed the subject.
He KNOWS how I feel. We've talked, we've yelled, we've argued and discussed the matter. He has no interest in changing the way he approaches the friendship, despite it making me uncomfortable (and I would assume it would make her and her husband feel the same). What on earth can I do?
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16-06-2014 06:05 #1
Uncomfortable with DHs relationship
16-06-2014 06:22 #2
That's incredibly insensitive of him, I'm sorry I remember ONE occasion when DH complimented a girl in front of me and it made my stomach drop. (he apologised and never did it again). I can only imagine how it feels if he does it all the time. And as for telling her personal stuff about your marriage, that's not on either. However I do think what he said about being in trouble with you maybe shows he's feeling guilty? Have you been arguing about other stuff or just this mostly?
I think if you have tried to let him know how you feel and nothing has changed, maybe some counselling is in order. If he doesn't want to go, maybe give him some kind of ultimatum. I'm not suggesting you threaten to leave, maybe say you will go talk to her in person about it or stop seeing her as a family. Because if he hasn't taken you seriously, then maybe he will take a counsellor seriously. HTH
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16-06-2014 06:28 #3
We haven't argued about it for months. We're having a stressful time at home (unrelated) but I thought we were sticking together and getting through it well even if things have been a little tense at times.
We don't see them often as they live quite a distance from us.
I don't think he'd do counselling, as he doesn't think it's an issue.
16-06-2014 06:36 #4Senior Member
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- Feb 2006
Yikes. This happened with my XH and a work colleague. He ended up leaving me for her.
You have done so well in bringing it up with him, shame he refused to listen though. I think you need counselling ASAP. Don't tell him it's about this issue, tell him it's about something else, the stress you say you've been going through, or just a general marriage counselling that's been recommended to you to keep communication lines open, like as a preventative type thing.
16-06-2014 07:02 #5
If you haven't already, I would be inclined to implore to him that if he loves and respects you, if he cherishes your marriage, then he needs to take on board your concerns, and at least try to make an effort to make you feel more comfortable about his communication with his friend. I know he doesn't think there is a problem, but he needs to acknowledge whilst he thinks everything is good, you don't feel the same, and therefore that IS a problem. I would never be able to get my DH to a counsellor either, but I know if I really begged him to try and understand where I'm coming from he would. We have reached compromises on behaviour before, usually after a few heated fights, but we get there in the end. If he truely loves you he should be able to take on board your concerns and try to modify his behaviour, even if he doesn't agree 100%.
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16-06-2014 07:10 #6
You poor thing, I'm sorry he's making you feel this way. We went through something similar a few years ago. DH was fairly close to a female work friend & was texting each other etc ALL the time. I told him over & over that it made me uncomfortable. The reason it made me uncomfortable was because I could see she liked him & was flirting all the time with her msg 's (he hadn't written anything inappropriate) It took me ages to get through his head that I wasn't worried about him cheating on me, I just didn't like all this attention going to another woman. Plus I could see she liked him which he couldn't see.
It wasn't until she made a move via text (told him to come over she's wearing lingerie) that he believed me & cut all contact. He told me about the msg straight away (rang me at work) & actually seemed surprised & upset about it because in his eyes they were mates & she obviously crossed the line.
That happened years ago & has never happened since. We sat down & had a long talk over it. I think he had enjoyed the attention from someone else but realised he wouldn't be comfortable if I was getting msg's from a man that I work with & see every day.
It might be the case that your DH also sees them as mates but doesn't realise why it's upsetting you.
I hope you're able to sit down & have a good talk about it & why it makes you uncomfortable & I hope he listens. Good luck!
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16-06-2014 08:07 #7
I now how you feel OP, DH and I have had a similar problem in the past. She was a work friend and had a boyfriend but she would talk to him about their relationship issues. Then DH decided that we were having relationship issues (that I wasn't even aware of at the time) that he started talking to her about. It came to a head when I found the text messages and was very upset about it (after he told me she was texting him at 3am - not on).
It was a long drawn out thing to try and get him to understand that their amount of contact and subject matter was inappropriate. I knew she had a thing for him and every time he had arranged to see her/for me to meet her as a couple she would cancel - big surprise. He ended up going to the GP on my insistence (I thought he was depressed), being diagnosed with depression and having counselling sessions without me, and that seemed to do the trick/sort his head out. All the talks/arguments/tears that we had did nothing, he just denied that it was inappropriate. It needed to come from someone else - both the GP and his psychologist told him his relationship with her was inappropriate and that seemed to work for him.
I found this whole thing one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through and it was doubly hard that he just couldn't see my point of view. Most of the problem was that he was depressed and refused to seek help until I basically forced him to the GP.
If your DH isn't listening, then I think trying a third party to get your point across might help. This was the only thing that worked for us, but I know it can also be really difficult getting them there.
Good luck OP, I really know how you feel. It's bloody hard. I hope your DH comes to his senses and stop his texts/cuts contact with her and you can all move on.
16-06-2014 08:31 #8
OP, I'm sorry to say it but he clearly has feelings for this friend of his.
The only positive here is that his friend seems to be disinterested in crossing the line, despite your DH dropping a few feathers.
I think it's time to put your foot down and demand that your marriage comes first - he needs to take a step back and cool it with this friendship. It is causing too much friction in your relationship and his behaviour is simply not appropriate.
If he keeps texting her regularly, he's feeding their relationship and starving yours. He needs to grow up, stop flirting with this woman and show you some respect.
16-06-2014 08:49 #9
So because your DH doesn't see it as an issue means your feelings aren't relevant? That attitude alone stinks and i wouldn't be able to tolerate it.
I have been through something sorta similar with my DH. We both made friends with a group of people and there was one girl that seemed to take DH's fancy and she seemed to encourage attention from him. Even though he'd first talk about me to her and how he's excited about our first baby (when i was pregnant with DS) it then turned into her posting pics of herself on facebook in lingerie for her amateur modelling shoots she was doing and DH messaging her telling her how hot she looks, how he loves the underwear ones the best and her fishing for compliments saying she wishes her boobs were bigger, to then DH saying her breasts are perfect. Etc.
I know DH is happy with me, but he got very carried away with his friendship with her and where MY boundaries were. In fact my boundaries seemed to have been forgotten. In their opinion it was just banter, but IMO it was disrespectful to me. And once i found out about it; all hell broke loose and i confronted them both. Needless to say we're not friends with her anymore as in my case it came out she was jealous of me and enjoying my DH giving HER attention.
Sorry i went on a ramble. In your case it sounds like it's all your DH and this could be coming down to his own insecurity issues of needing the attention from other females as well as his wife. He probably see's no issue because he loves you and wants to be with you, but he is not looking outside of his own bubble and seeing how this is all making YOU feel.
Giving her pet names and compliments and never you is not right. It's crossing the line imo. TBH if my DH didn't see where I was coming from with our ordeal and if he kept telling me i was over reacting, that it was ok for him to say the things he said to that girl even though he'd go crazy if i spoke like that with another guy, i was actually prepared to end it. Not saying that's what you should do!! I don't know how long this has been going on for you... but if he plans to continue this and not at all work on making it right with you (start treating you even better than her with compliments etc) then for me, it would be a deal breaker. Why should you stay on the side line while he gives this other woman the treatment he should be giving you? And if you can't see him doing cancelling, then what other choices do you have other than to tell him its a deal breaker, or just put up with it?
He's being incredibly unfair.
Last edited by Serenity Love; 16-06-2014 at 08:56. Reason: typo
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16-06-2014 09:05 #10Senior Member
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- Jan 2010
I have major trust issues, not from anything Dh has done but things that happened in my parents relationship. I am a strong believer that female/male cannot be platonic friends without someone always wanting more.(the exception being when we are couple friends). I might be super paranoid but if this relationship upsets you, your husband needs to let it go and if he can't I would be asking why. His no. 1 priority should be to make sure you are happy and I'm sure if the situation was reversed you would not hesitate to end it.
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