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  1. #71
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    Thanks everyone for your replies and advice. I did casually say to him to let me know is he is going somewhere. I will give him a reminder next week as well as he usually goes to the gym in the morning. Maybe I am making excuses but when he steps out on the weekend it usually is to the gym. If I see him getting changed I will ask and he will tell me. If I don't see him he will just go and I won't know until I realize he isn't home and the car is gone.
    On weekdays he normally works back late so now I just don't expect him to be home for dinner. Lots of times he doesn't eat anyway so I pack away the leftovers and if there isn't any he just fends for himself. Dinner isn't a biggie here and neither of us makes a fuss so long as the kids get fed.
    I work part time and one of the nights he picks up the kids. This is my free night so I come home any time. I used to let him know roughly when but now I don't bother though I am usually home by 8 PM.

    I guess it's not as bad as it sounds so I don't want to make a big fuss. Thanks again though I will remind him each time as dh responds better to this than direct confrontation.

  2. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jontu View Post
    Thanks everyone for your replies and advice. I did casually say to him to let me know is he is going somewhere. I will give him a reminder next week as well as he usually goes to the gym in the morning. Maybe I am making excuses but when he steps out on the weekend it usually is to the gym. If I see him getting changed I will ask and he will tell me. If I don't see him he will just go and I won't know until I realize he isn't home and the car is gone.
    On weekdays he normally works back late so now I just don't expect him to be home for dinner. Lots of times he doesn't eat anyway so I pack away the leftovers and if there isn't any he just fends for himself. Dinner isn't a biggie here and neither of us makes a fuss so long as the kids get fed.
    I work part time and one of the nights he picks up the kids. This is my free night so I come home any time. I used to let him know roughly when but now I don't bother though I am usually home by 8 PM.

    I guess it's not as bad as it sounds so I don't want to make a big fuss. Thanks again though I will remind him each time as dh responds better to this than direct confrontation.
    I'm sorry to put it so bluntly but this sounds like a very strange relationship. Almost like you are scared you will make him angry? So you just let him do whatever he wants? Where is the respect, the communication, the LOVE enough to say 'sweetheart I'm just going to the gym I'll be back in an hour'. To me that would be the bare minimum to actually even say that, I would always ask (not tell) my DH out of respect for him and for my children if it was okay with him if I went somewhere. Not to gain 'permission', but as others have said it's just common courtesy especially within a family unit. So you never have a nice family dinner all together, or barely ever? Doesn't that make you sad? It really boggles my mind...BUT if it works for you and you are truly happy with things this way, there are a lot worse things in life so I'm trying to put my judgey pants away... Having said that, I guess I am wondering why post asking for advice if you were truly okay with it you know? It feels like there is more to it than just the issue of him going places without telling you. If he doesn't respect you enough to do that, how does he treat you and the children otherwise? Is he loving and attentive?

  3. #73
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    Sorry, but alarm bells are ringing here for me. That's really a lot of time to be out of the house without saying where he is.

    I wouldn't be checking his phone as that's always a recipe for disaster, but even if he told you where he was, that's too much time away from you all, but the fact he's not open about where he is adds to my suspicions....?

  4. #74
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    Goes to the gym often, works back late, doesn't eat much at home, only tells you where he is going if you ask, vanishes from the house and none of this is ringing any alarm bells?

    On top of which you seem kinda scared of him.

    I'm getting a really uneasy feeling here....

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  6. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by Janesmum123 View Post
    Goes to the gym often, works back late, doesn't eat much at home, only tells you where he is going if you ask, vanishes from the house and none of this is ringing any alarm bells?

    On top of which you seem kinda scared of him.

    I'm getting a really uneasy feeling here....
    Some people do actually work long hours. I've been there and was rarely home for dinner. My DH has been there. No it's not ideal but sometimes it's what you need to do for you finances/career.

    When you work long hours you often need a release like going to the gym to help cope.

    I didn't read that she was scared of him. She wants to avoid conflict (most of us do) and use the method of getting her point across in a way that will actually work rather than fall on deaf ears.

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  8. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by Laydeebug View Post
    Woah I'm sorry but that seems extreme!

    Shouldn't a simple conversation come first?
    Not extreme to me at all to check their phone. In fact me and my hubby hide nothing from each other. I had two ex's who were sneaky and used to work all the time, go out a lot on week ends ect and I checked there phones and both times found dirty sex text messages from other women they were sleeping with. One of them had been going on for 6 months and the other had been a fling with an over seas hitchhiker he picked up of the side of the high way. Devastating at the time but ultimately opened my eyes up in a big way to just what some people are capable of. Not saying this is the case for OP at all as I haven't read all of the thread or replies but just saying it never hurts to be cautious when/ if there are alarms bells ringing and asking them up front does not mean they will actually give you an honest answer.

  9. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stretched View Post
    Some people do actually work long hours. I've been there and was rarely home for dinner. My DH has been there. No it's not ideal but sometimes it's what you need to do for you finances/career.

    When you work long hours you often need a release like going to the gym to help cope.

    I didn't read that she was scared of him. She wants to avoid conflict (most of us do) and use the method of getting her point across in a way that will actually work rather than fall on deaf ears.
    Why would asking her own husband where he is going or to tell her when he will be back result in conflict it's a normal question to be trying to avoid it sounds like she is scared of him. Why would asking your own husband such a simple question result in conflict.

    I work long hours and go to the gym but I tell hubby where I am and around what time I will be home. Hubby doesn't find out I have left the house by noticing my car is no longer in the drive way.

  10. #78
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    Far out! So we have gone from just some one being clueless to now he is having an affair?

    Have an adult conversation, don't play games (childish). IF that doesn't work then do what he does to show him. But don't go through his phone and accuse him of boning someone. My lord.

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  12. #79
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daisy Duck View Post
    Far out! So we have gone from just some one being clueless to now he is having an affair?

    Have an adult conversation, don't play games (childish). IF that doesn't work then do what he does to show him. But don't go through his phone and accuse him of boning someone. My lord.
    lol... Hey he could be digging up dead bodies in the graveyard, or be an international spy, or a serial killer or he lives a double life or or or...... Hehehehe ask a question on the internet....

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  14. #80
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    I appreciate the concern. I don't suspect anything untoward is going on. He will often leave his mobile at home as he is forgetful (often forgets his wallet when going to work too) and email, fb etc is always open too.

    The original issue bothers me but not something i want to make a big fuss over. I will bring it up if it continues to happen. And no I am not afraid of him.

    Some pp mentioned safety issues with the kids but in my case it's not a problem as they are still young so i always know where they are. They don't go to the front or backyard on their own and are the type of kids that always like to be around me anyway.

    With the working back late, he is in a senior role and unfortunately with that comes long hours. He also works on the laptop at home bc deadlines need to be met.

    I know our relationship needs some work esp with communication. I gotta speak up more as we both tend to not say anything but more silent treatment type reactions to each other.

    Again thanks for all the replies.

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