I don't know if this is relevant, but I know from personal experience that some people turn really nasty when stressed and overtired - although my experience is opposite situations - I was really stressed before i had DD and was a real task master at home and would swear and carry on about everything DH did and when my family came to visit I would stress and order them around in regards to keeping my house tidy and not putting things in certain places, and maintaining perfection (a lot unrealistic with a house full, i know, but i think being over-the-top in control of cleaning my house is how i cope with extreme stress). Then, when DD was born, i wasn't working full time (was on leave), couldn't continue on house renovations due to caesarean, and although i was more sleep-deprived, i actually relaxed and the nastiness suddenly left me. The stresses of earlier are not part of my life now, although i am working 4 days a week and have a 2 1/2 year old, but it sounds to me like it is the stress of caring for a baby that is sending your friend nasty.
I would urge you to please look at this as 'how is my friend being affected?' more than how you yourself are affected. It appears that these are symptoms of a deeper struggle with your friend, and the right support should be able to help her move through this if she is willing to take the help.
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30-05-2014 22:10 #31Senior Member
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- Jan 2009
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30-05-2014 22:15 #32
Id be worried that a confrontational approach may tip the friend over the edge, which can result in her taking it out on her baby even more and resenting him. I feel you're better off talking to people in a way they will more likely listen and respond better. Sometimes being being too straight forward with people can make things worse, especially if they are already on edge. You can get the message across without declaring war and starting an argument. I think when a innocent child is involved this matter should be handled a bit more delicately.
If the friend reacts poorly straight off the bat, then whip out the firmness. But not straight away. No need to use fighting words straight off the bat when a more concerned approach may be what fixes this.
30-05-2014 23:03 #33
Poor bubba 😔
Talk to hubby.
Talk to her, straight up, (over phone at least NOT via text or email)
Tell her exactly how you feel!
The rest will follow how it is meant to.
Good luck I hate that icky feeling!! I don't like confrontation but I also have to get things out with friends or I can't sleep thinking about it. I'm a real bad thinker lol
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31-05-2014 06:17 #34-
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- Mar 2013
That sounds horrible for all of you (especially the bubs )
IF IT WERE ME.. A lifelong friend, who was already invited to the wedding/in the bridal party with her DH as the best man.. I would just let it be.
I would limit ALL contact with her up until the wedding (and tell her I was just busy with wedding things) I would ensure my bub was in a carrier everytime I did need to see her & keep those meetings brief.
After the wedding I would continue to keep my distance.
If her hubby is your DHs BEST man, and she is 'just' a bridesmaid, I would keep the peace for my DH. I would want him to lose his best friend. I'd be civil towards her and keep an eye on both bubs when she was around.
31-05-2014 08:55 #35
The biggest thing for me is the bridesmaid thing..
If you don't feel like you want her in the bridal party now, don't do it. I felt the same about more than one of my bridesmaids and I totally regret not being up front to start with because now they are in all my photos etc.. you can't go back and change all that afterwards.
I've just cut ties with one of them, but I just ignore and avoid. If that doesn't show her I'm not interested in her life then I don't know what will.. my husband and her parter weren't friends though.
I'd tell her you don't want her to be in your bridal party. Still have her invited to the wedding (if she chooses she still wants to go) because of her partner etc..
But don't have someone you don't want in your bridal party, you will regret it just like I did!
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31-05-2014 09:39 #36
I think there are two separate issues, one is how her behavior is impacting the friendship, and the other is the wedding/bridesmaid/photo thing. If you sort out the friendship issue, the bridesmaid issue will probably resolve itself.
I would have a little speech ready in my head for the next time she talks to her child that way, "i don't like it when" our "i really don't think it's funny..." . She might get upset or defensive, or take it on board. But unless she knows how you feel, she can't change. And if she doesn't change, then you can say "I really can't stand it".
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31-05-2014 09:44 #37
You can be upfront without being aggressive. Let her know in whatever way you feel comfortable how this is impacting the friendship.
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31-05-2014 10:46 #38
It's a tough one. I'm assuming you must have been pretty close friends to ask her as your bridesmaid, so that must mean something.
Has she really changed? Or have you just outgrown her? Her behaviour sounds a but concerning but I'm not going to judge as I don't know the full story.
Considering you were good friends before and you already asked her to be your bridesmaid I think you should go ahead with it, but I'd definitely begin to approach issues as they arise. Ie. if she deliberately is rough with/hurts her baby (or yours) I'd speak up straight away. If she's being competitive pipe up and say it annoys you....
Being a a good friend isn't about never upsetting your friend or putting up with them it's about supporting them and speaking honestly with them without judgment. Talk to her. If she doesn't take it on board then end the friendship but give it a chance first.
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31-05-2014 11:30 #39Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2011
When she laughed at my DS after he fell, I was too concerned with trying to comfort him to say anything to her. I was really angry but if I had started something with her at that point it would have only upset my son more so I just walked away with him and came back when we had calmed down. I was already annoyed with her that day because she had come over uninvited with her son who is sick and kept trying to get them to play together, while I kept moving DS away and saying things like "DS, don't get too close to A, he's sick and I don't want you to get sick." But evidently she didn't care. Her husband came straight out and told her to keep them apart and she rolled her eyes at him.
I honestly don't think she's depressed. The thought had crossed my mind but in all other ways she seems fine. Her house is always spotless, she is excited about her new house and looking forward to going back to work etc. She has hobbies that she enjoys and is always going out with friends and keeping busy. She was always quick to anger and I think I just ignored it but I can't stand it when it's directed towards a baby.
I have talked to DF and he understands my position, he has always disliked her but just never really said anything. We have talked a bit before now about the way she is but I've never been so serious about wanting to cut her out. But he wasn't much help really. I asked him what he thinks I should do and how he would feel about potentially losing his best man (because I'm sure he would drop out of the wedding if she did) and he just said he doesn't know.
31-05-2014 12:05 #40Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
I haven't read in detail so sorry if I missed some detail. But yes she still could be suffering pnd. If she was a bit of a control freak pre baby then she may be having real trouble adjusting. Keeping her house clean and socializing may be the things in her life that she still feels in control of so does them well.
I understand that you don't have to agree with her behavior, but I actually think some people really struggle to adjust to having a baby in their lives (even if planned and loved, nothing can prepare them for the reality) and this may just be her way of coping. She may really need someone to reach out to (although it doesn't need to be you) have you got other mutual friends that you can talk to about her.
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