Still doesn't make it any easier does it. But I am glas to see somoene else has lashed out in the same helpless frustration as I have tonight. Well not glad you have been pushed to that point as well... but it helps me realise this might be a more common issue than i thought.
Results 21 to 30 of 40
29-05-2014 21:35 #21
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29-05-2014 21:38 #22
In my experience, the best way to deal with liars is to not even give them the opportunity to lie. So when he came home tonight, you could have said 'I smelt the smoke on your clothes. I thought we agreed not to expose DS to second-hand smoke'. Now it's much more effort for him to come back and lie about that, and if you say it calmly then he has no reason to fear your anger and cite that as an excuse. Now, all of a sudden, tensions/blood pressure is down and you can likely talk about the real issue, which is the smoke around your DS, without it escalating. And, in that example, if he did try and say 'but I didn't/ but I only had one' etc., then you can still restate the facts - 'I smelt smoke on your clothes which is the issue here because of DS's asthma. Only you know whether it was from your cigarette smoke or not.' Trying to quit smoking is the absolute pits, without guilt being thrown on top of that as well. If you talk about your concerns for your DS rather than your frustration at the smoking (which then becomes more of a confrontational situation), then I would say he's less likely to lie about it.
To answer your question, I think being punitive and dishing out consequences is inappropriate for a marriage, which is fundamentally meant to be an equal partnership. I do understand your anger and what led you to that, but I think it's a slippery slope. You could, however, be quite justified in saying you didn't want to sleep next to someone who smells like cigarettes because it's bad for your health etc.
29-05-2014 21:40 #23
Im not trying to stop him smoking, I am trying to stop DS being exposed to second hand smoke. Im his mum i really do feel its my job to protect his health. I am reasonable about DH's smoking so he has the space to stop without me being demanding. But i refuse to be lenient with him doing it around DS or exposing DS with it. Not after the hospital trips we have had with DS.
I don't know what else to do - tonight it seems i felt i needed to try a different tactic with him as everything else he just doesn't care about.
29-05-2014 21:44 #24
I guess though at least he changed, and that's technically the goal here. Not me being right, or whatever. But DS being healthy. You're right. I felt i maybe needed to change my mindset on this because i just can't cope with how it is right now.
29-05-2014 21:47 #25
The agreement was he was supposed to change his clothes as soon as he got home from smoking... and I was angry he didn't as i felt it was irresponsible and careless. But it could have been innocent and he just simply forgot.
29-05-2014 21:48 #26
Oh, I can completely understand your frustration! It must be so hard to feel like you have to fight for your son with his own father! But I would say that, yes, even if it hurts to bite your tongue so hard, then at least in your example when he stomped off and had a little sook, the outcome is still the best one for your son, and you avoided a nasty conflict? I don't know...tough one.
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Serenity Love (29-05-2014)
29-05-2014 21:51 #27
So with this mindset I have two positives: DH changes his shirt, and no fighting in front of DS. That really is the outcome that's most important.
And also maybe I am taking his lying too personally, when its more about him feeling ashamed.. than not respecting me....
Thanks love, awesome advice.
Thank you to everyone that's posted here you have all helped me see things in a better way.
29-05-2014 22:00 #28
You're his wife - not his mother. He is acting childish, but he is not a child. There is a huge difference.
You shouldnt be punishing him, he is not your son. If you have to "ban him" and give him "consequences"..... I think you need to look at yourself.
Im sorry he's lying to you, thats really shi++y... You said to be honest... so honestly if I was coming home to a nagging wife (only going from what youve said here)..... then I prob wouldnt be truthful either.
If he ever is truthful, do you drop it? Or do you pester him some more about his poor judgment and choice/decision to light up.
Sounds like if smoking is the only thing, he needs support. Have you ever been a smoker?
I think the adult think for you to do is take a leap, apologise for treating him like a child, calmly explain that you would much rather he be truthful.. and take it from there. Tell him you the issue isnt smoking, its the lies and fibs and covering his tracks. If he was honest from the get go it wouldn't have been such a massive issue.
He will probably be so shocked by your calm and mature response.
Last edited by Atlantic Puffin; 29-05-2014 at 22:03.
29-05-2014 22:22 #29
I will say though, just telling him "i would much rather him be truthful" and taking it from there in my situation isn't enough, as its be continuous for the 10 years of our relationship and been about multiple things from smoking, to other women etc (but i wont get into all that) so i do have good reason for my frustrations. I am not a nagging wife. We barely fight. Tonight the 'white lies' just became a bit too much.
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29-05-2014 22:26 #30
I also said im just basing my response from what youve said. I dont know you or your bsck story, I only know you from what youve posted in this thread.
Sorry im not big on fluffing things up to make sure people dont take it the wrong way. It is what it is.
Maybe dont bother asking him anymore. If you just expect him to lie there is no use.
Put a change of clothes at the door for him every arvo and a plastic bag for his clothes. Make it a non issue and dont even bring it up... could work.
Edited:shocking spelling. What evs.
Last edited by Atlantic Puffin; 29-05-2014 at 22:31.
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