Apologies for the 'wall of text' .... But let's *name* what's going on here.
Your partner is not actually communicating fairly, he is using a manipulative technique known as 'emotional blackmail'.
from wiki -
"Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of psychological manipulation, employing a mixture of threats, appeals and emotionally punitive behaviour to control an intimate.
Under pressure from emotional blackmail, one may become a sort of hostage, forced to act under pressure of the threat of responsibility for the other's breakdown.
Emotional blackmailers use fear, obligation and guilt in their relationships, ensuring that the victim feels afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and swamped by guilt if they resist.
Knowing that the victim wants love, approval or confirmation of identity and self-esteem, blackmailers may threaten to withhold them or take them away altogether, making the victim feel they must earn them by agreement.
If the victim believes the blackmailer, he/she could fall into a pattern of letting the blackmailer control his/her decisions and behavior, lost in what Doris Lessing described as "a sort of psychological fog". Forward (and Frazier) invented the acronym FOG, standing for Fear, Obligation, Guilt - feelings which often result from being exposed to emotional blackmail when in a relationship with a person who suffers from a personality disorder.
Typically, emotional blackmail has six stages: Demand, Resistance, Pressure, Threats, Compliance and Repetition."
He sounds like he's in the threat making stage at the moment.
Power and control within relationships tends to go in cycles.
His comments really aren't based in reality, they are geared towards control, and you know that. The fact is, he will be financially responsible for the child whether he likes it or not. That's the law actually. All these things he is telling you about yourself and how the child will 'ruin everything' are tactics and lies. Never allow other people to tell you lies about yourself. Simply say, 'Please stop now', and walk away.
But really, this decision isn't about him, Uncle Joe, or Your dad.
This situation is really about you and what you have co created in your life. In some ways, relationships are mirrors, wherever you go you meet only yourself.
I would pay no attention to manipulative threats. Just say, 'Im sorry you choose to see it that way' and go off and do something else. 'This is my decision, deal with it' also works well.
A previous poster, Phony, and many others, showed what I feel would be appropriate anger to this situation. It's interesting that you don't sound angry. Are you? If you need to get angry, do so, it's sometimes our best defence against people violating our boundaries. Imagine someone trying to take a lion cub from a Lioness!
I wonder, if your mum were alive, what would she tell you to do?
I really commend you on reaching out. Its not easy. This isnt meant to sound patronising, but I really am proud of you. You have a lot of support here X
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28-05-2014 13:16 #61
Last edited by Butterfly39; 28-05-2014 at 13:19.
28-05-2014 13:42 #62Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2010
Generally speaking the love you have for your child will trump the love you have for your husband. EVERY time. If your house burns down I assure you in that split second youd know once n for all who has your heart and it will be your child. It sincerely sounds to me like you already feel that way!
Dont make a rash decision especially that hes bullied you into. Make your decision for yourself and then start a new thread on where to from here. You will get alot of love and support and advice here
I recently went thru my pregnancy with my DH being a jerk and this was after a 3 yr struggle to get pregnant. I was beside myself most of my pregnancy as DH has been my best friend and closest confidante for over 30 yrs. Overnight he became a stranger but I was very very clear to myself to him and to the few i confided in that my baby came first even though losing my dh would be very devestating for me I knew id survive losing him. And I have zero family support. For the last 30 yrs DH has filled that void in my life.
I went into my delivery knowing id likely began the path of divorce and being a single parent again. And it still never took 1 second of my joy at giving birth away. In fact I think because id come to terms with it there was no real stress I could focus on my son. Im very grateful that my DH has had a complete turn around. I cant praise him enough for the father he is being to our son. I dont know what the reason was behind his bs when I was pregnant. As for his turn around I dont know if its because he spent our sons first few hours just the 2 of them together in NICU or that our son is his minnie me.
Me personally I wouldnt have been able to terminate my pregnancy and then stay with DH
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28-05-2014 14:29 #63Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
So you cant have a baby thats already been conceived and u also cant your business but u have to do everything he wants?
What a selfish man.
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28-05-2014 15:21 #64
You're so young, why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is just so nasty? It doesn't surprise me at all that he has tried to manipulate you before with your business.
I feel really bad for you, I understand your point of view as I stayed in a bad marriage because I didn't want to be a single mother or lose my family the way my mother lost hers.
But in the end I left because I realised I was losing so much more by staying.
I really hope you keep the baby, it will be hard but there isn't anything like the love of your child and you will rediscover that connection you lost when you lost your mum, but this is about more than the baby I think.
Its a turning point in your life for you to decide what you want, the freedom to be you and have a happy life or stay with a person who sees you as an object to be controlled? You will end up hating this man and yourself.
I wouldn't wish that sort of misery on anyone.
28-05-2014 17:17 #65
I know you've got a lot to process today, you've had a lot of feedback from some very wise women here today - and I hope you're taking some much needed time out to do some serious thinking and contemplation about your future.
I know that you are likely feeling that you would do anything to make things right with your husband and that you cannot go through another major loss after what you have already gone through with your parents. But also, I know from my own experience and the advice of many on here, that your husband is abusive, and maybe this is the first time that it has been so obvious that it is now right in your face and you can no longer ignore / justify / explain / excuse his behaviour. Many here write from experience and don't want to see you waste years of your life being slowly demoralised by a controlling man until there is nothing left of yourself but a shell of a woman too scared to live life at all. We are not jumping to conclusions or creating drama where there is none, but are concerned about the signs that your husband has shown that he does not value you as a true partner in the relationship, or gives you the respect that you deserve.
I have been in such a relationship and it nearly cost me my life. I learned my lesson though, and now am with the most amazing man, and the one time he spoke to me disrespectfully, I made him go to counseling to learn ways to deal with his emotions without degrading me. And it worked perfectly because he didn't want to be disrespectful, he just didn't have the tools to express himself properly. Now he does and he's never done it again. A willingness to see the other person's point of view and have empathy, compassion and want to support them, are the foundations of a good relationship.
Whatever direction you go and whether you stay together or not, things have now come into your awareness that you cannot undo. Even if your husband does an about face and decides to support whatever decision you make, the warning signs are there for the future, and counselling together is an absolute must if you want to make it work.
Two books that I found absolutely invaluable that I highly recommend you read (in secret if you have to) are Verbally Abusive Relationships by Patricia Evans - this was a Godsend for me, it finally identified everything I was going through and made me realise I wasn't going crazy. Also Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Those books will give you a good basis for understanding some of the dynamics that may be in your relationship and give you a good starting point to work with someone on healing those issues.
I wish you all the best because it is a horrible place to be in when you've had the rug ripped out from under you and realised you can't lean on the person you need to lean on the most. You have time, you don't have to make a decision for a few weeks yet, so take some time out to really process everything, talk to your sister, as others have said, maybe stay a few days with her, and let things settle a bit.
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28-05-2014 17:40 #66-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
I totally agree with stretched. With good jobs and 2 investment properties it is absurd that the OP has to live with relatives and DH claims they can't financially afford a baby. Something has to give. The investment properties would be my first pick. A business that is losing money after 4 years would be a close second.
Financial stress=relationship stress
Last edited by VicPark; 28-05-2014 at 17:42.
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Pusheen The Cat (29-05-2014)
28-05-2014 18:41 #67
I agree with everything that's already been said but a couple of things is like to offer:
You're concerned about being alone or losing this man. As a motherless daughter I empathise with this. But have you considered that actually you ARE already alone? The second he stopped being on the same team you were alone in the sense that you became single in THIS situation.
Secondly you're an intelligent hard working woman who is clearly kind and considerate of others. YOU might just be a CATCH! While you stay with someone like this, you're not free to explore other possibilities! Whether those possibilities include this baby or a different partner or career or family.
Huge hugs to you. I can't remember the last time I was so emotionally moved by a post and I'm
So glad you came for support
29-05-2014 07:37 #68
Wow OP, this is an absolutely gut wrenching situation. Honestly, if my husband ever treated me like that I would be the one leaving. He is threatening his wife and unborn child. I know he's you're husband and obviously there are parts of him you love, but this is just disgusting behaviour. If you do go through with something you aren't comfortable with will the relationship last anyway? I would resent my husband forever, our marriage wouldn't last.
The biggest hugs to you
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29-05-2014 08:00 #69
I am so sorry he is treating you in such a disgusting manner.
I have also lost my mother and I understand how hard it is to lose others in your life. But this man has shown his true colours. He is a pig. He doesn't love you or he wouldn't treat you with such contempt.
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29-05-2014 08:20 #70Member
- Join Date
- May 2014
I've finally found time to post again a little update on how things went last night. After ringing up another abortion clinic due to my husband suggesting if I didn't feel comfortable at the 1st one perhaps look into an alternative location. I did as he asked and ended up on the phone to the lady for around 30 minutes, they simply asked me questions in relation to why I wanted to go through with it, if I was happy with my choice etc. Ultimately they once again refused to book me in, but instead suggested a free counselling session which I have booked into.
I went over to my sisters place last night and while my husband was there we had a bit of a discussion about everything. It's interesting as I found out my sister is more on my husband's side than mine, the reasons being; our financial position at the moment, the stress occurring in our life at the moment, the fact she knows I have expensive taste and she feels we are not adequately set up to deal with a child, nor should a child be born into a family where one of the parents doesn't want it. I understand what made her think these things; having two HUGE mortgages has killed us financially, all my husbands money is going towards the loans from the bank for those mortgages and my money is going towards paying for a huge debt we have after our wedding (due to my father pulling out of ALL financial obligations a week before the wedding). We have one of them up on the market at the moment but my husband stupidly gave my dad the better half due to 'just wanting to get out of it'. My dad sold his 3 days after putting it up and got a bucket load for it, we on the other hand have had 0 interest.
The other huge investment property is hopefully close to being worked out but we won't make any money on it, we are simply handing our shares over to investors that my dad has found so that he can continue subdividing it without us. It gets us out and back to where we began last year.
My problem is my husband has the following dreams; to go find another investment property after all of this is done, for us to move out and rent while that is occurring, to go travel to America and Canada (where our honeymoon was planned for but we had to cancel last minute due to mum), to build our dream home, to get two new cars that will be more safe and the list goes on. Yes I shared these dreams with him, but everything changes once you find out your pregnant. Priorities change and mine have certainly done that.
He said to me in the car on the way back to the house "I just want to know either way, you being so indecisive is killing me".
Last edited by brimm; 29-05-2014 at 11:28.
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