I would ditch the husband and keep the baby. It sounds to me you're worried about being alone. If you have a baby you will never be alone again and the child will be a lot nicer to be around than your husband.
I'm pro choice. Not the word CHOICE! This is your choice. Having a termination won't make things go back the way they were before. It won't take back your husbands words and actions. Either you have to work through having the termination or he has to work through having the baby. You might lose him if you keep the baby, but you could also break up further down the track anyway.
Big hugs. Sending you strength to do what you want to do.
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28-05-2014 13:40 #51
28-05-2014 13:43 #52
He sounds horrible. Sorry op but you seem totally backed into a corner
If you had the baby and he left you would he then make your life hell when it came to getting rights to the child? He seems so nasty and selfish and you seem so broken (im sorry) since you lost your mum, but that doesnt mean you need to bend to his will. That only shows him that to get his own way he just needs to be a tyrant and thats extremely abusive
I wish you had someone to help you stand up to this bully.
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Wise Enough (28-05-2014)
28-05-2014 13:44 #53
What does your sister think? It sounds like you've lost everyone around you except her. It also sounds like you're making all the sacrifices in this marriage to fit into his idea of what a perfect life looks like. There have been some good points made already, and your marriage is so new you probably feel like you're just starting out and you can't end things already, but by the sounds your husband is just going to keep manipulating and controlling you. It's a bit scary to think of how this could look down the track...
I'm staunchly pro choice too but this baby really shouldn't be a burden in the situation you describe. And your reaction strongly suggests that you don't want to 'get rid of it', which means it's not something you'll easily get over. You're at a real crossroads right now, your life could go down a few different paths depending on whether you advocate for your body, your rights and your baby, or whether you let your husband act like a brat and make threats.
28-05-2014 13:45 #54
Btw I'm a teacher too and you can make great money doing relief work which is nice and flexible with a little one. Xoxox
28-05-2014 13:47 #55
This is my second marriage, and in my first I had a very selfish husband. Nowhere near the level of emotional abuse yours is putting you through, but enough to make me realise that our entire lives were always going to revolve around what HE wanted and my hopes and dreams just didn't rate. I got out of there (it took me 14 years, but I did it). And met the amazing man I have today.
My husband goes OUT OF HIS WAY to make sure I am supported in anything I want to do. Your husbands attitude is insanely selfish. Why is it that "his plan" is more important than "your plan"? That's not a marriage. It appears to me that he's proven to you on more than one occasion that he will use any sort of emotional abuse and blackmail he can to get his own way and to make sure his own life goes according to whatever plan he's made up in his head. NOT ok. This must be the most horrible position to be in for you, if I were you I would have to ask myself four questions:
Do I want the baby?
How will I feel about an abortion that wasn't my decision? (if you don't want it)
How would I feel about my Husband forever more if he forced me to have an abortion?
Do I want to be married to someone who will threaten me, threaten to kill himself to make me feel guilty, openly tell me he wont support me and will take my dreams away and give me ultimatums to get his own way? Is that how I want the rest of my life to be.
Good luck with your decision, and please, look after yourself. I'm not trying to insinuate that your husband will hurt you, but the type of behaviour he has displayed (including the taking you out after abusing you for a week, trying to 'make it better' but still controlling you) is very very red flag behaviour for domestic violence. I've seen it too many times. If you decide you are going to keep the baby and feel at all worried about telling him, please go directly to a counsellor or to your sisters. Your safety is the number one priority.
28-05-2014 13:50 #56
Brimm, just to put a bit of perspective on it.
I've had two miscarriages, both ending in a D&C so I know what it's like to sit in those clinics.
All through my counseling session my DH was there with me holding my hand, the pain etched on his face just as much as mine.
To think that you were in that same situation , in floods of tears and all your DH offered up was scorn at you humiliating him in front of the counselor???
I can't get that image out of my head.
I hope you realise just how awful that is.
You might be numbed to him a little with all that you've been through but don't do something you'll regret in the future for this man.
He's not worth it.
Please be kind to yourself.
28-05-2014 13:52 #57
Brimm you have had so much great advice and I'm probably only regurgitating what has already been said but I want you to see how many are in your corner.
I have had several friends over the years face the same choice as you...all with supportive husbands who didn't interfere and the one thing I have noticed is that none of my friends who continued with the pregnancies regret the decision. A couple (not all) who chose a termination do.
I know your husband, like you, must be under an enormous amount of stress, which is why I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope this isn't his usual character but you have I admit your husband is very very out of line. I honestly felt sick in my stomach as I read your post.
I truly feel you need to cancel this appointment and let your husband know you will rebook it if/when you are ready. Then you take all the time you need. As pp has mentioned you may have to consider the possibility that if you choose to continue it will be alone. Although I would question how much I want this marriage if my husband was ready to walk away, if he didn't get his own way on such a personal situation. I do think it sets the scene for further manipulation in the future if he sees how he gets his own way.
I think the best case scenario is you go ahead and he comes around in a few weeks or at least when he sees bubba on an ultrasound.... Remember pregnancy doesn't get real for a man until he sees it... He doesn't feel all the changes we do which may be why they can seem detached...
I have my own views on abortion but I am very pro choice if it is the right choice for the woman but it pains me to think of someone doing it to appease someone else...
Last edited by Meld85; 28-05-2014 at 14:59.
28-05-2014 13:53 #58
Here's something that I teach & continually reinforce to all the children in my life:
You cannot control another person. Each person has every right to make their own choices, to control their own bodies and their own lives.
Sure, it sucks when you want to play with your sister's horses and she won't let you. It's upsetting when you want your friend to play with you, and they don't want to.
It's okay to be upset that things aren't going your way, but it's never NEVER okay to intentionally make someone feel bad about their choices, or to try to force them to do things your way. This is abuse, and it's completely unacceptable.
It sounds like your husband is having a hard time. It's completely understandable that he be upset, angry etc., but it is NOT okay that he take this out on you. His behaviour is abusive.
I understand that you don't want to lose him after so much else, but as so many others have asked... let's say you do what he wants. In 2, 5, 10 years time... do you want to raise children with a man who thinks it's okay to force his wife into an abortion? Do you want your daughters to have a father who thinks a man should be able to control their bodies? Do you want your sons to have a father who thinks that they should be able to dictate what women do with theirs?
OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Whatever the situation though, you ARE strong enough to make your own decisions. You have support in your sister, and you have support here. Please make the decision that you want to make.
28-05-2014 14:04 #59
A husband and a father who, by his actions, teaches his children this type of behaviour is very frightening. As is the thought that there are a lot of big decisions to make when it comes to raising children....it would not be a very nice situation to be in when you know all of those choices will probably be one sided, no matter how strongly you feel. Partners who threaten to leave when the other partner doesn't do what they want are just bullies, and rather immature.
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28-05-2014 14:11 #60
You have lots of wonderful advice here that will hopefully help you make a decision that sits well in your heart. One thing you have brushed on may need to be an important deciding factor for you and what you want.
You mention you run your own business, have I read correctly that this has been running at a loss for 4 years? That you and your husband's income from jobs keeps the business running? Staying with your husband or doing it alone, if you decide to keep this baby, giving up your business may be a sacrifice you need to make (or something you at least put on hold). After 4 years I would expect a business to be starting to turn a corner in terms if profitability. I appreciate that this is a dream of yours - my DH just had to shut down his own 'dream' business as it just wasn't financially viable, no matter what adjustments we made it was costing us money, not making us money. With me needing to stop working/reduce hours due to having our second child my income could no longer cover his business losses and he had to sacrifice his dream (in a way, for our child).
I don't mean to complicate things further, just think this is a factor that should weigh into your decision.
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