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  1. #431
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jmeleem View Post
    How about a different perspective.
    I grew up with an emotionally (and physically) abusive father.
    Everything you have written about your husband is my father to a t. He only loved me when everything was going his way. He was only pleasant and caring when everything was going his way.
    From what you have said i suspect your hubby only "loves" you when everything is going his way also.
    Being around this man as a child growing up and having to live with how controlling and narcisstic he was has produced some personal qualities within me that i hate. Anger issues, extremely low self esteem, self doubt, the belief that im not good enough, paranoia, phobia of going anywhere alone for fear of what people are thinking, phobia of being in large crowds for fear of what people are thinking, the constant belief that everything he spat out at me as a child and teenager was true. Im only just starting to stand up and push past all my issues. Im 24. It has taken me 24 years to realise he was wrong and his behaviour wasnt acceptable, its not the norm. It is deblitating believeing you are so low in the main scheme of things that leaving your house is a terrifying experience. Cause you are constantly thinking "was he right". You, my dear, need to decide if that is what you want for your children? Do you want your children to grow up with so little self worth?

    Everything you have said here is a complete story of my Mum and Dad's life. It mimics it perfectly.
    Xx

    💜 DD1 aka Peanut 💜 Due 28.10.14
    This is also my experience. My dad is still this person with his new partner (who he met and started dating while still with my mother because my mum is a strong person and refused to constantly pander to his wishes). As a child in that environment it is toxic. Constant eggshells. Don't do that to a child. Please. I am so sorry you are going through this but trust me when I say having children with this person is not a good idea. He won't change.

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    KitiK  (22-06-2014)

  3. #432
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    Brimm, panic attacks are horrible and so frightening. If it happens again have your husband or your sister put you in the shower and sit in there with you. They don't have to actually sit in the shower but sit in the bathroom and help calm you down, rub your back, etc. just sit down and let the water pound on you. This is what my husband does and it always helps. Also just let yourself cry hard and loud, you'll feel better if you just let the tears out and not try to hold them in.

    Loosing a baby, whether you would have terminated it or miscarried leads to so many emotions of not knowing how you feel or how you should feel, there's so many unanswered questions and feelings. On top of all that your hormones are trying to return to normal and going absolutely nuts which makes you feel like you're going nuts.

    I hope your husband and sister are trying to be sympathetic right now and help you through this. I had an amazing therapist in a Melbourne that dealt with pregnancy loss, etc that could really be beneficial for you. She was like a mom/friend, so wise and helpful with everything I was going through with loosing my baby and also family problems. Let me know if you want her details.

    I think you should also be honest with your school about your miscarriage and that you're having a hard time, give them the opportunity to understand and be helpful.

    Go easy on yourself.

  4. #433
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    Brimm, panic attacks are horrible and so frightening. If it happens again have your husband or your sister put you in the shower and sit in there with you. They don't have to actually sit in the shower but sit in the bathroom and help calm you down, rub your back, etc. just sit down and let the water pound on you. This is what my husband does and it always helps. Also just let yourself cry hard and loud, you'll feel better if you just let the tears out and not try to hold them in.

    Loosing a baby, whether you would have terminated it or miscarried leads to so many emotions of not knowing how you feel or how you should feel, there's so many unanswered questions and feelings. On top of all that your hormones are trying to return to normal and going absolutely nuts which makes you feel like you're going nuts.

    I hope your husband and sister are trying to be sympathetic right now and help you through this. I had an amazing therapist in a Melbourne that dealt with pregnancy loss, etc that could really be beneficial for you. She was like a mom/friend, so wise and helpful with everything I was going through with loosing my baby and also family problems. Let me know if you want her details.

    I think you should also be honest with your school about your miscarriage and that you're having a hard time, give them the opportunity to understand and be helpful.

    Go easy on yourself.
    I would love the name of the therapist. Thank you.

  5. #434
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    Quote Originally Posted by brimm View Post
    I would love the name of the therapist. Thank you.
    Pm'ed you.

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    Hey Brimm, I think of you sometimes. How are you going?

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  8. #436
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    Yes, me too. How are you going now? Hope all is well xx

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    Day off after going back to school so figured I'd give all you lovely ladies an update on how everything is going.

    I've started taking depression medication and panic attack medication to help cope with everything that's going on. I am also seeing an amazing councilor once a week, who has really helped me see why I am feeling the way I am. As she describes it my bucket is full after everything that's eventuated after the year, so when new things happen (no matter how small) my body chemically struggles to cope and just goes into shut down.

    Dad: I have started seeing Dad every week, I even have started seeing his 'new' wife. This was a huge step. I made the even bigger step to go into my old family house for dinner and it was hard but I loved seeing my dogs (who were crying when they saw me). My husband is very angry that I am seeing him, but it's been nice. I don't forgive him for what has happened but I am sick of being angry and I don't have any real family left on my side...he is it. She has been nice and she said she understood everything going on. Even spoke to me about mum.

    Work: Been applying for other jobs (anything) to try and get out of my current job. Unfortunately most people say I am over qualified and don't understand why I want to get out, so don't hire me.

    University: I have decided to take the step and get into Physiotherapy hopefully in 2015. I am doing everything in my power for the remainder of the year to make this happen, but this has been met with struggles (of course) as Universities have been useless in assisting me in doing the subjects required for entry.

    Business: This is where I am stuck at the moment. I am making the hard decision to either sell my business (or attempt too) or continue with it. It's making me pretty miserable at the moment, its costing me money and parents are causing me so much stress. You only hear about the negative and never the positive. But then again I do love it, I love my students and love seeing them progress....but it's just so stressful and I have lost the CAN'T WAIT FOR TRAINING feeling. I dread it, especially on Sundays....

    Husband: Things are crap with him still. Our sexual life is 0...I mean, nothing. He just says he is going through stuff and therefore doesn't want it. We are constantly fighting and he is constantly disappointed at me for some reason or another. He has agreed to marriage counselling but only after we get out of our financial problems. He isn't supporting me going back to University either, says its selfish.

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  11. #438
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    Why does he want to wait until your financial problems are over to get counselling? He is obsessed with money OP. University is not selfish, the only selfish one in this equation is him.

    Sorry to be blunt, but he is never going to change. In another 1 year, 3 years you guys are going to be fighting about the same stuff. His narcissism is still going to be there. You are still going to be selfish to trying to be happy, and money will still be the only thing he cares about. Cut your losses, before you have kids to him. There doesn't seem to be anything positive you are getting from him or this marriage.

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    HillDweller  (17-07-2014),KitiK  (17-07-2014),SuperGranny  (17-07-2014),Wise Enough  (17-07-2014)

  13. #439
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    Counselling after the money problems are sorted? He just doesn't want to go hun and only agreed to please you.
    University is selfish. Umm I don't think he has the right to call anyone selfish!
    Can I ask what does he actually being to the marriage? Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't make you feel like the centre of the world every single day.
    Big hugs x
    Last edited by Lincolns mummy; 17-07-2014 at 12:01.

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  15. #440
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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    thanks for the update brimm. I think you are showing a great positive attitude, thinking of your future and making plans for what you want. Good luck with getting into uni and with the studies. I'm glad you have a good counsellor. If you can accept your dh has pretty much taken his focus away from you and your marriage, and are willing to wait until he has his money troubles sorted, then I think you will be ok. but if you want to have a loving relationship where you are treated with respect and valued, this man is not going to give you what you deserve and should expect. hugs, marie

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