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  1. #231
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    It sounds like you have started to take the reins. That's great. I still think your husband's attitude about the whole situation is not good. Bribing you is still apart of emotional blackmail (and it sounds you're aware of what he is doing) and I can tell you that it sounds like he knows he is pushing you away with all his screaming and spoilt boy attitude, so he may be nice to pursue you. Brimm, you are taking the right steps as far as getting things checked out thoroughly and precise, which I applaud you. I know it's hard for you, but go to these appointments in your head space and not in his head space. Let him sook, you're entitled to do what YOU want, it's YOUR body and YOUR choice too. Lots of hugs to you. x


    ⭐️DS #1 born 15.03.2010⭐️
    ⭐️DS #2 born 16.02.2014⭐️
    ⭐️Me=29 💗 DP=34⭐️

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  3. #232
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    Quote Originally Posted by brimm View Post
    but he agreed to allow me to do so.
    This statement just screams alarm bells at me.......

    Am glad you told him your plans though...

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  5. #233
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    Quote Originally Posted by wannawannabe View Post
    This statement just screams alarm bells at me.......

    Am glad you told him your plans though...
    Yeah it's like he's humouring her knowing he will get his own way anyway.

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  7. #234
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    What a big ordeal OP I'm sorry about the loss of your mum and everything that happened to you.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd ask for a mental health plan from the GP at your next appointment. This will allow you to get free counseling sessions.

    And I'd go to this session alone. You have so much to talk about and to make sense of. The loss of your mum, the relationship with your dad, your unsupportive husband, and now this pregnancy.
    You need an unbiased professional IN YOUR CORNER.

    Seriously this is so important and would set you up to take the best decision for your future.

    I think you have made up your mind about the pregnancy and you have for a while.

    If it was me, I wouldn't go ahead with it as your DH sounds manipulative and the worst partner in life to be honest
    I believe people show their true colors in difficult times.

    This raised alarm bells too
    Quote Originally Posted by brimm View Post
    My husband has made it clear that he wants me to be a stay at home mum (even if I keep this baby), I'm more than happy to do so but also want to still contribute in some aspect towards finances. Reality is we cannot live solely off my husbands wage whilst still providing in the manner we wish.
    You sound very persistent, educated and career driven so I'm a little worried that your husband decides to keep you at home if that makes sense.

    Even if you do believe that your marriage is build to last it feels like there is no right answer. Either you go ahead with the pregnancy and your husband will resent you for it or you have a aborting and you will never forgive him.

    Which takes me back to my first point : please go and get counseling for yourself through your GP.

  8. #235
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    Quote Originally Posted by lilypily View Post
    I still hate reading that he has agreed and allowed you to do what you wSnt to do. It's not up to him anyway. But I'm glad you getting everything looked at
    Quote Originally Posted by wannawannabe View Post
    This statement just screams alarm bells at me.......

    Am glad you told him your plans though...
    Quote Originally Posted by lilypily View Post
    Yeah it's like he's humouring her knowing he will get his own way anyway.
    Agree with all of these. 'Allowing' you? you are a grown woman and this baby is growing inside YOUR body. And yeah.... I thought the same as lilypily, it's like he's just humouring you. I suspect if it is a viable pg and you decide to keep it, he will turn nasty again.

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  10. #236
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    OP, I am so sorry you are going through all of this the first time you get pregnant and its a wanted baby is supposed to be such a special time, its not meant to be like this.

    Sorry but your DH is an ****!!! I hope everything is ok with bub and you find the strength to stick to your guns and keep your baby.

    Life is often put on hold when you have a baby, you're both so young and have plenty of time to build up your properties, have nice things like cars etc - If there was only a way for your DH to realise this....

    But something tells me this isn't the issue, I would be concerned he would never want kids. Did you speak about it before you git married? How long you wanted to wait before having kids? Either way, its life and not everything goes to plan, and,clearly,your wedding vows mean nothing.

    I agree you should get counseling by yourself. As another poster mentioned too if your baby is still going strong, s/he will be your one constant, the love of your life. You won't ever be alone and won't ever hurt you like your husband currently is.

    Good luck, I'll be thinking of you and the precious life growing inside you and I hope you make a decision that will give you the most peace.

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  12. #237
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    Quote Originally Posted by brimm View Post
    Thank you everyone for once again your on going support and wisdom. It really is nice to speak to people who have either been through similar positions or just understand how it would feel. I've received some incredible private messages and thank you to those who have taken the time to reach out to me. I went into last week so scared and afraid of everything that was occurring, I now feel like I have the strength to take control of my own life.

    I spoke with my husband last night after finishing work, I told him that I've decided to do the counselling session on Monday then attend my GP to discuss getting further blood tests done for my HCG levels and booking in for another U/S. I said I felt like we needed to get a clearer understanding of exactly how this pregnancy was going before making any decisions, after all there is ALOT that can happen. He was a little hesitant and I explained that for my piece of mind I felt I needed to know if this pregnancy was or wasn't viable and if I have perhaps already had a miscarriage. He explained he doubted it from the appointment we just had, but he agreed to allow me to do so.

    He hasn't screamed at me the last few days but he has tried to bribe me though! I much prefer the bribing than the screaming as I just take it in good humour and laugh it off. But as I said a while ago in this post, i'd rather have a healthy baby than all the riches in the world (though I wouldn't mind both!)
    You're doing great, Brimm, you are finding a way through! Good for you!

    Thinking of you, hope you are doing ok. Take care of yourself, if you want to keep the baby you might begin to take a pre-pregnancy multivitamin or some folate.

    Even if he does get mad at you, you can walk away, go for a drive, phone a friend, go for a walk, go to a movie - you don't need to put up with someone constantly pushing against your boundaries when you have already told them how you feel.

    "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind".

    Hope you're having a nice weekend. You are not alone.

    Xox

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  14. #238
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    Quote Originally Posted by lazyjane211 View Post
    Big hugs to you for your situation. To me your husband sounds very, very scared. It sounds like you two have been through a lot together and have grown closer by making plans for your future life and family. I can really understand how he would freak out and not want to change these plans, especially if they are rooted in the fact that he doesn't want to repeat the circumstances of his childhood. I have a DH who has said things to me that were awful and hard to forgive, but I know that it was because he was hurting and scared but that he is a good man and sometimes needs help to be his best self - just like I do, sometimes.

    I think it's a good sign that he's willing to go with you to appointments etc, even if he's still asking for a termination. I agree with others that if you have a termination against your will you may never forgive him. But on the other hand, if he disappeared tomorrow would you still want this baby? If you knew you had to go it alone?

    It sounds like you are doing all the right things to figure out how to make a family in your situation. I'm curious as to why he wants you to be a stay at home mom? It is totally possible to work and parent, full time or part time. I personally think it helps you hold on to your identity and independence and sets a good example for kids to see their mom working outside the home. As you've found, you're probably entitled to maternity leave and govt assistance. Maybe it would help your DH to see a counsellor for his fears and for you both to see a financial counsellor to get a good picture of your situation with a baby.
    I'm so glad somebody finally said this publicly! I've been too scared to so PMed brimm. My husband and I went through something similar in our early 20's when we were dating. He was young, scared and had all these plans that to him, if he lost, felt like the end of the world. He didn't handle the situation the best, he was a bit of a d*ck, but we continued to try with each other, to support each other and we pulled through and married 10 years later. He's my best friend and an amazing man, husband and father to my children. He's apologised and felt ashamed for how he acted then and I can see where his reaction was coming from.

    Op's husband is being a sh*t right now but it doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad man, only OP knows if his reaction is a warning sign for the future.

    ETA: we did end up terminating that pregnancy and have had two planned babies that he has loved with all his heart since.
    Last edited by HollyGolightly81; 01-06-2014 at 07:14.

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  16. #239
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    @hollygolighty81, that is really sad and I am sorry. I am glad to hear you are in a much better place and things have worked for you and your family. Can I ask a question (no judgement, just cuurious) did you want to terminate your first pregnancy or was it because your dh wanted you to, and do you have any regrets?

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  18. #240
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    Quote Originally Posted by KitiK View Post
    @hollygolighty81, that is really sad and I am sorry. I am glad to hear you are in a much better place and things have worked for you and your family. Can I ask a question (no judgement, just cuurious) did you want to terminate your first pregnancy or was it because your dh wanted you to, and do you have any regrets?
    No problem, I am in a much better place with our decision and I don't mind talking about it. It was my decision, I don't know if I necessarily feel he pressured me, but he let me know he didn't want it and didn't really understand why I was so upset about it all so he wasn't very sensitive. I think to a young guy, they don't really understand how emotional and hard it is for us, especially if they don't feel it is a life yet. It's hard for them to see why it's not an easy decision. Our circumstances were different, we were living overseas and had only been dating a few months. I'm from the states and he's Australian. He had already used his work visa for the states (how we met) so wouldn't have been eligible to move back there again and I obviously would have gone home to have the baby so I assume we would have broken up just from those logistics not just the pressure of having a baby that he didn't want. There were other reasons I decided to terminate, I wasn't ready, I wanted to stay with him, etc. I was very much in love and knowing he didn't want it played a factor, of course it would. We were young, no money, etc.

    I do regret it but at the same time I don't. It's a weird feeling. I wasn't ready and so scared but obviously I carry a lot of guilt. It triggered major depression in me that I've battled. Our first baby was stillborn and I've struggled with thoughts that she died because I'm being punished. But it's only since having her and our baby boy that I've started to feel more at peace and feel it was the right decision, I am so grateful for my husband and our baby girl and boy and as I look down at my hilarious DS it's hard to regret something that made his life possible. So even though it was a very hard and painful decision and I'll always carry guilt, I do think it ended up being the right one.

    I'm not saying OP's husband isn't being a sh*thead and maybe it's a warning sign, but also maybe it's not. Maybe he is a great guy that just doesn't have the emotional maturity to handle this right now. Only OP knows.
    Last edited by HollyGolightly81; 01-06-2014 at 16:20.

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