I am not sure where the appropriate place is to write about this, but what the hey...
My eldest was diagnosed with Autism last year. And my youngest is suspected of being the same. DS2 has a rather significant developmental delay in speech, emotional and mental. To put it bluntly, he still acts like a 1yr old.
I was having a pretty alright day, until my best friend posts a video of her daughter talking. In sentences. I am envious.
Davin is older by 3 days, and not a single word...
I know my boys are different, but I struggle with this every time a conversation comes up about our kids capabilities, with friends. I will sit there and just nod my head. While in the back my head I say.. "Can't do that.. or that.. or this." And most of the time, I feel like it's a competition, or even worse, that they are rubbing it in my face. Even though they aren't.
I know they say it gets easier with time. But I just can't help feeling like a bad parent, a failure.
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20-05-2014 16:33 #1
20-05-2014 16:46 #2
First: you are not a bad parent. Please don't think that.
Second: my mum had a saying for us growing up in a home where we constantly fostered a lot of kids with different backgrounds, educations, ages, abilities and experiences of life: "not right, not wrong, just different." Different does not mean bad, less or worse. Your boys are special in their own ways and will find their own ways to shine in time.
Please try not to compare your boys to anyone else's kids. Being there for them and to share in their individual joys, successes and adventures will give you so much happiness during your lives, who cares what someone else's kids are doing?
If you really feel people are trying to compete with you are your boys, they're not being good friends and you need better people in your life who can just be happy about their own stuff and share in your happiness too, without the need for petty competition xx
20-05-2014 16:52 #3
Massive hugs to you
My DS has a speech delay too and displays ASD traits (awaiting paed appointment to get the ball rolling on a diagnosis).
Sometimes I think it's a blessing that we don't have many friends with kids we see regularly as I'm sure we'd feel sad when we see kids his age or younger doing things he can't
I'm sure our struggles are different but I wanted to let you know you are not alone.
20-05-2014 16:53 #4
Huge hugs I hope you feel better soon xx
Me + DH = DS1 (6), DS2 (2) and #3 due September 8th
20-05-2014 17:35 #5
I try very hard not to let this stuff get to me. Nor do I try to be involved in what feels like a competition. I am the first of my friends to have kids, and I am the first to have 2. Also the only one with boys. So I know for all those reasons, there is no comparison.
But I guess I am more struggling with the 'advice' from people who I guess, have no clue.
Thank you for making me feel a little better and hearing me out. I really feel like I can talk to anyone about this.
20-05-2014 17:42 #6
I have an 18 month old dd. She has a genetic syndrome which causes delays and asd type tendencies (along with some other things).
Cognitively I suspect she's about a 9-12 month level. .. Not walking. .. No words other than some sign language (and with a sign she says 'all done').
Well. .. I'm not really explaining it well but when I see other 1 yr old. ..or 18 month olds I do get occasionally upset.
I definitely get pangs of jealousy at times and honestly. ..I have the occasional day where I cry about the struggles she will most definitely face.
BUT the majority of the time I like to focus on what she CAN do not what she CAN'T do. It's a cliche but it does help. I also think it's really healthy to feel those emotions of grief and acknowledge them. .. but not dwell there. I like to remind myself that she's happy and loved and this other stuff doesn't matter.
I hope that makes sense. (I'm still pretty early in the journey as a special needs mummy so I have a lot to learn too).
Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app
20-05-2014 18:49 #7
I heard a conversation on the radio today with an author who wrote a fantastic sounding book. I haven't read the book, but what he was talking about sounded very interesting and relevant
He was talking about the challenges of parents who have children who are, in some significant way, different to them. In particular he was talking about juggling treating a child as 'normal' and embracing the things which make them different. For better or worse, a child's disabilities, gender identity etc. will be a part of their identity; a part that they often won't share with their parents, but with a broader community. Many of these identities (he mentioned Transgender, Deaf, Dwarf, Schizophrenic amongst others), are things which the parents would never have wanted for their child. Despite that, they're an integral part of who the child is.
Something he said that really stood out to me was along these lines:
If you have a child with Down's syndrome, you might feel like only parents with Down's kids understand. But if you put together all the people parenting children who are a long way from what they imagined their children would be like... you have an awful lot of people dealing with similar issues.
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