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  1. #41
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    It's also very difficult to go into a new small workplace where this stuff exists, as I discovered. And the hangover from that for me is that I am usually very wary of people who are overly friendly to me when I'm new because I wonder what their motives are and what team I'm being recruited to. Everyone probably thinks I'm a stuck up b!tch at first, ha ha. I'm older and stronger now but I've learnt a couple of hard lessons along the way.

    OP it sounds like there is one major ringleader. What would happen if you invited the others out for a coffee so they could get to know you? Or is she too powerful?

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    OP I would be so upset in your situation. I had the most amazingly supportive working environment when doing my fertility treatments and it made such a difference to my mental health.

    This sort of thing happens in my daughter's circle of friends. They're 8 years old and I expect more from them than that. Ignoring someone is incredibly powerful. DD1 does it to her sister when she's had enough of her. I see what it does to DD2 (crushes her).

    You know kids get a bad wrap these days but when I hear stories like yours I think my kids and their friends are better behaved than some adults.

    Sorry no real advice. Just letting you know it sucks.

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    It has happened to me and it feels awful. Makes you question yourself and gives terrible self esteem. I feel it's worse than obviously nasty as others don't notice it so much.
    I worry about people that think this type o behaviour is ok

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    Sonja  (12-05-2014)

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    I had that sick feeling in my belly reading that OP. That sort of behaviour is so hurtful and damaging. I hope whoever was on the receiving end is okay. Why are people so nasty?

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    That kind of behaviour from grown adults really disappoints me.

    The way I see it is, and what I teach my kids is: you don't have to be friends with everyone, but you do have to be friendLY to everyone.

    Obviously excluding someone is very unfriendly. I have been on the receiving end of it at work too at one particular workplace and it was very unpleasant. In my case one of my bosses just took a disliking to me from the second I turned up to work. Literally. She wouldn't even acknowledge me when I turned up on the first day. Mind you, I soon learnt that she was very rude to lots of people.

    So try not to take it personally (hard I know), because it says a lot more about the bully than it does about you. I would love to work with you, you sound really nice and awesome at your job!

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  9. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cheese Please View Post
    To the person who suggested that it's fine to not be friends with everyone - I agree 100%. However, I see no reason to be rude about it.
    This thread is reminding me of a certain parent of a child in my DS's class.
    She will go out of her way to ignore me and has even blanked my 'hello" more than a few times.
    So rude!
    I really can't understand how people can't find it in them to be polite.
    Is she afraid she'll catch something from me by just saying hello.
    So, so strange.

    Like you, this madam has no reason to be like this towards me.
    For a start she knows nothing about me, I'm not even from her area.
    It's unfortunate for you too, Cheese Please because as you found out, she used the little she did know about you to talk about you behind your back.
    That is disgusting and I feel for you there, it must be hard to even type that out.
    Believe me, there ARE petty people out there.
    Petty, bitter, unhappy people and while they fake being a nice person to others, it's exactly this carry on that shows their true colours.

    I'm not sure what I will do in my own situation.
    To me it's not enough to just say nothing.
    That might be her style but it's not mine so when the time is right I will have no issue in confronting her.
    BUT, I only see this person on the school drop off and the odd school get together.
    I don't have to work with her.
    Maybe find some one in work you're close to, do you have some one like this?
    Who told you she was talking about you behind your back?
    Maybe confide in them if you can trust them and see what they make of it?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cheese Please View Post
    I'm curious ... Is bullying by exclusion a thing? In a work team of 10, if a person decides to repeatedly purposefully block out one single person by means of blatantly ignoring them when they speak, dropping them off facebook, and organising activities for the rest of the team but not inviting that one person, is it bullying?
    Yup there was a woman like that at my work who treated me like that

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    Work based exclusion is particularly nasty because it is so hard to name and notice. There is nothing that the bully is doing that you may able to put your finger on.

    There are 2 types of bullying that I talk about when working with teams at our school - above the line - easily noticeable and you can give a direct example of what is happening, below the line - this is difficult to describe, it can be a feeling or a way of relating to you that is perhaps only noticeable to the recipient.

    As others have said the below the line bullying is particularly damaging to the victim because they feel like 'it's nothing really' or 'I can't tell you exactly what they're doing'. This type of bullying is insidious OP and needs to be handled. Have you confronted this person directly? It needn't be confrontational, more a 'I've noticed that....' - often when confronted with the reality of their poor behaviour bullies pull their head in. If this doesn't help then speak to a manager, with detailed notes of how you have tried to work out the situation as well as dates and conversations. What she said about you at the Christmas party is direct and I think requires a formal complaint.

    I am currently working with a person on confronting their behaviour in the workplace, it's hard when people lack the insight or empathy to confront their own damaging behaviour.

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    I haven't read all the replies so I don't know if it has been mentioned. I would hope someone at your workplace would directly confront this woman. It's very hard being the victim of a bully and being able to address this behaviour as well. It sh*ts me when others notice it but do nothing.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BbBbBh View Post
    I haven't read all the replies so I don't know if it has been mentioned. I would hope someone at your workplace would directly confront this woman. It's very hard being the victim of a bully and being able to address this behaviour as well. It sh*ts me when others notice it but do nothing.
    This is so true. People must notice exclusion-type bullying. If people notice then they should speak up yet most don't! One other employee did notice in my situation and she was supportive towards me which made such a difference. I felt validated and knew I hadn't been imagining it! If only more people stood up to bullies. I myself have always stood up to injustices to others, ever since I was a little kid! But it's harder when you're the target and validation from others helps enormously.

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    River Song  (12-05-2014)


 
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