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  1. #1
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    Default Can't Cope With Mothers Day - What Do I Do?

    Hi everyone,

    I am having a really hard time figuring out what to do this Mothers Day.. Last year I fell pregnant on Mothers Day weekend and that pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage - my angel baby would have been three months old now.

    Then I fell again in December with twins and miscarried again at the end of January - not quite sure why but it could have been a subchorionic haematoma this time. I would be 20 weeks pregnant now.

    Anyway, every year we do a Mothers Day breakfast for my Mum and my sister, with her husband and two little kids, my DH and my step-son - but this year I just don't think I can face it. Mothers Day is just bringing up too many emotions and overwhelming grief that I've had two chances to be a mother in the last year and have lost my babies both times.

    All I want to do is crawl into a hole and howl for the day, I don't want to even acknowledge the day at all - but I know my family will think I'm weak and selfish if I can't put my emotions aside and just get on with the day. They will say that it's not about me, it's about honouring my Mum (who I have a lot of trouble with anyway - she is Borderline Personality Disorder and is very hard to deal with) - but I just don't want to put myself through it.

    I do a lot with my family, even when I don't always want to, and I just feel like I need space on that particular day to grieve the way I need to. Is it too much to ask that I opt out for just this once? I am happy to give my Mum a gift and take her out another time - but I just don't want to sit and play happy families when I'm dying inside....

    Thoughts?
    Last edited by Summer; 15-04-2014 at 09:15.

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    No its certainly not too much to ask. Do whatever you need to.

    My dd is only 3 at the moment but when she is an adult, if she found mothers day hard to cope with, then I would support her in her grief and let the day pass quietly by without making a fuss.

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  4. #3
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    In no way is it too much to ask. Could you book a night away for you and DH the night before as sort of an excuse not to go? Too hard to travel back in time for lunch etc

    If your family are aware of your losses then I think they should be able to accept that this year you need space especially as everything is so recent.

    I hope everything turns out ok for you x

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  6. #4
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    it is hard on days like that when they bring up so much emotion.

    I know what you mean about family though - unless you have been there it can be hard for them to understand.


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    Put yourself first and do what you need to do xx

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    hi



    i had a m/c after a 6th round of ivf and mothers day was about two weeks later....i felt exactly the same way that year...your reaction is totally normal and desire to not want anything to do with it completely rational...losing a pg is traumatic and reminders can serve as a horrible re-traumatiser. your family are being being selfish and irrational if they think you should harden up and cope with that day to suit them...they will survive if you dont get involved. take the time for yourself and DH. society often brushes m/c under the carpet like they are no big deal "its happens all the time" type of attitude. i saw my mother the week before and just stayed with dh on mothers day..saved my sanity.

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    I'd book a weekend away (say your DH did it if you have to) take off and not look back. You deserve to do something for yourself and it will go a long way towards your healing process, especially in comparison to what your family have in mind.


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    My daughter was stillborn a month or so before Mother's Day last year. I took my mum to a bereaved mothersday service run by the celebrant who helped us with her funeral.

    We had lunch planed but I just couldn't go. Everyone understood xoxo

    Be kind to yourself and do what feels right to you. It's your Mother's Day. You created those lives and carried those babies. You're their mother and it's your day...

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    I'm a bit like you in the sense that I do what will make my family happy. I'm realising now I should only do what's best for me and I'd advise you do the same. Look after yourself - no one else will and you only get left feeling more upset/hurt.
    You never know, your family might surprise you and be understanding. But if not, you've done what's best for you. All the best x

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    Quote Originally Posted by CatesBean View Post
    In no way is it too much to ask. Could you book a night away for you and DH the night before as sort of an excuse not to go? Too hard to travel back in time for lunch etc

    If your family are aware of your losses then I think they should be able to accept that this year you need space especially as everything is so recent.

    I hope everything turns out ok for you x
    Quote Originally Posted by Phony View Post
    I'd book a weekend away (say your DH did it if you have to) take off and not look back. You deserve to do something for yourself and it will go a long way towards your healing process, especially in comparison to what your family have in mind.

    Thank you so much - the going away is a great suggestion and is kind of happening - DH and I have a fancy ball to attend the night before and we are staying at the venue that night - but it is close to where we live so we won't exactly be out of town... But it will be a very late night, so we realistically won't be able to do breakfast the next morning anyway...

    My DH lost his very much loved Mum many years ago, so Mothers Day is always hard for him, so I think we'll have a late breakfast, check out of the hotel, visit his Mum's grave and go for a drive in the country or something.

    The only thing is that I know full well that if I decide to not participate this Mothers Day, my Mum will be making it all about her and I'll likely never hear the end of it. I'll end up being the one consoling her and placating her because she will be so 'hurt' that her daughter didn't want to see her on Mothers Day. On the other hand if I do go to lunch or something with her, I also know that she kind of 'feeds' off my misery if that makes sense (does anyone else have a narcissitic Mother?) - so she will deliberately say things about the lost babies and act as if she is all sympathetic, but really it will be all about her making herself feel like she's a great Mum because she's 'there for me' in my pain.

    Goodness that sounds cyncial doesn't it?? But after years of dealing with her stuff, I can see her games quite clearly - although I still haven't quite figured out how to extract myself from her influence quite yet. So I think for my own mental health it is best to stay away and just deal with the consequences after! My sister will be fine, she'll think I'm over-reacting but she won't make a big deal of it I don't think.

    Thanks for the support ladies, I appreciate it

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