HI, im actually a regular member undercover and would really appreciate help with this situation.
For the past 4 months my fiance has been making me do something i don't agree with. Without revealing too much, it's possibly illegal(one of those grey areas in the law) but mostly it just goes against my morals and values. I have brought it up and every time i do i get dismissed or made feel bad. He realized that this doesn't sit with me and well has recently brought in an issue that he so feels very strongly about and it so happens that for me to consider his needs or make him happy i have to continue this things, either that or absolutely turn a very huge part of my life upside down hence why 4 months later i'm still doing this.
Things have been rocky but actually looking better and brighter in our relationship. However i have made a decision that i will not be continuing with this. I understand that i should be prepared for the end of our relationship and i have put in place a plan for me and the kids(except for accommodation, which i'm looking for options in, Sydney is so bloody expensive and i can't leave for another year or so due to studies).
This is going to be a bit out of the blue and i am expecting a lot of guilt trips and anything else that can make me feel bad. I need help on how i can bring up this conversation and anything else i may have missed or forgot to account for.
And i really want to know what everyone would do if they were in this situation.
I have to add, the first argument i will hear from him will be that im being selfish, every time im not ding what he wants im being selfish, how do i respond to that?
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14-04-2014 10:01 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2014
Partner making me do something i don't agree or believe in. HELP!!
Last edited by Helptalking; 14-04-2014 at 10:04.
14-04-2014 10:10 #2
I really couldn't advise you on what I would do without knowing what it is he's making you do.
My husband would never put me in the position where he would insist I do something against my morals or else our relationship would be over. I think if he really expects you to do something you don't want to do, whether it be illegal or not, then you're probably better off removing yourself from this situation.
I keep thinking in my head, that if I were in this situation I'd really look into the law first and see if it really IS as bad as you think before making a final decision, but then I think on it further and honestly, if I didn't feel right doing it, I wouldn't be doing it period. DH would never make me.
14-04-2014 10:25 #3Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
- Gold Coast
Yea it's hard to say without knowing what it is but if it doesn't feel right then don't do it. I don't think you should have to justify why you won't continue to do something that is borderline illegal. He would know the consequences already (as would you) so explaining why probably won't matter at all. You'd just be wasting your breath by the sounds of things.
ETA: If it was me I'd give him an ultimatum and if that didn't work I would leave but I have family I could go to with no dramas. I'm not sure if you have that kind of support?
Last edited by Lauzy; 14-04-2014 at 10:27.
14-04-2014 10:28 #4
Its hard to comment now knowing the circumstances - how is he making you do something you don't want to? Is he threatening you? Giving you ultimatums? It also depends on what it is that is against your morals and how bad/how illegal it is. Could you end up in jail?
At the end of the day though no-one should be forced to do anything they don't want to. If you think the only way to deal with the situation is to get out, then that's what you need to do.
14-04-2014 10:31 #5
I'd say it's selfish of him to expect you to do something you're not comfortable with just because he wants you to.
Sent from my telecommunications device.
14-04-2014 10:37 #6
It's selfish of him to expect/insist you to do something you don't agree with and/or goes against your values.
Pure speculation here but if it's got anything to do with CL they WILL catch up if you haven't been completely honest. Defrauding CL is theft from the public purse. It's no less thieving by being dishonest with CL than it is rifiling through someone's handbag and stealing their purse. Apologies if it's got nothing to do with CL. My intention is not to judge but to provide an argument that you may be able to use if that is the scenario.
Good for you for standing up for your morals.
14-04-2014 11:00 #7
Whatever it is, no-one should ever pressure someone they're supposed to love into doing something they don't want to do. The fact you say you're expecting lots of guilt trips over your decision speaks volumes about him and tbh I think you're doing the right thing 100%! Good luck.
14-04-2014 11:05 #8
If you think the relationship is worth fighting for, I would advise you to get counseling immediately.
Is there someone you trust enough to tell the whole story to, and make sure they can take your kids on short notice if things get ugly?
If the nature of the activity could impact you and your family in the future ( court, fines, issues with banking etc) it is time to leave, protect your kids, come clean and cover your as$.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I hope you're not alone and you have support irl
14-04-2014 11:08 #9Junior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Don't absorb the guilt. If you know what you are doing is right and he tells you that you're being selfish, tell him you're sorry he feels that way. By saying this you don't take it on, you just acknowledge that it is his opinion. Good luck
14-04-2014 11:44 #10
I would be checking if it is illegal because if the sh** hits the fan and you are implicated in this knowingly then you will get yourself into trouble and what will that mean for your children? If it is not illegal and goes against your beliefs/morals then you have time to 'wait it out'. Part of the DV Duluth model shows that perpetrators may involve their partners in crime. I would be documenting things with a counsellor or a 3rd party if it is illegal just in case he tries to put the blame on you. Being an accessory to illegal activities won't wash in court if your defence is 'Sydney housing is expensive and I need to finish my studies'.
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