Definitely not unrealistic, with regard to the original post.
Yes, everyone's human and plenty of decent people are tempted elsewhere for whatever reasons. I think though that as a reasonable adult, that person should discuss their feelings with their spouse and see if they can address whatever the issues are. If they can't - if it's a matter of simply wanting someone else - then they owe it to their spouse to give them the choice of whether that's a dealbreaker for them.
This is my issue with cheating... not people sleeping with someone other than their spouse, but the complete disrespect shown to not give the other person a choice as to whether they want to continue in a relationship like that.
Of course, when people cheat, they generally don't think they're going to get caught. Have your cake & eat it too, right? You can get what you want, and not lose face or your relationship.
So for me, DP sleeping with someone else wouldn't necessarily be a dealbreaker. I don't know - it might be, but I couldn't tell you unless it happened. However, cheating on me and keeping it from me....yeah, that probably would be. I wouldn't want to lose our relationship, and I'd consider counseling etc., but I don't know that I could get over that kind of dishonesty.
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07-04-2014 12:48 #121
07-04-2014 13:56 #122
:O :O :O
We were later at a work show and he introduced me to her. Geez I had fun giving her evil looks
07-04-2014 14:55 #123
07-04-2014 16:52 #124
Last edited by Liddybugs; 27-04-2014 at 19:21.
07-04-2014 17:26 #125
To the OP, no it is most definitely not unrealistic to expect your spouse to be faithful.
I think cheating is the end (or sometimes middle) result of an already unhappy relationship. I do not believe that in a perfectly happy relationship, one person suddenly wakes up one day and decides to cheat, or that they go to a bar, see someone they like and end up cheating with them. (I also don't believe that guys just "can't help themselves") In a happy relationship your radar is simply switched to "off". (Although I note, I have met one serial cheater who would cheat no matter what. He would cheat on every single girlfriend (including one while she was in hospital having a baby) because he was simply addicted to the thrill of it. Those people should never ever be in a relationship.)
My Husband works on a mine site and he always tells me exactly how he feels about the guys there that cheat or are even disrespectful about their partners (and for him, that even goes as far as "when you're married, you've decided to be with that one person, you don't cheat, you don't put yourself in a position that you know you're wife would be upset about if she knew, you don't look at porn and you don't look at strippers". I know that many guys don't go that far with what they think is unacceptable, that's just him. He told me not long ago that one of his married friends still buys "zoo" magazine that that that was just not on and I secretly though "I like Zoo magazine, it's funny.." haha)
I have also been on the other end - I had a affair when I was with my ex Husband. Our marriage was all but over and I knew I would be leaving him the moment I did it the first time, probably even before that. I also subconsciously did lots of little things where I knew he would eventually find out because I actually hate lying. I did it because I was unhappy and he was not willing to even try and work things out. Therefore, in actual fact, I did it because I was a complete coward and too afraid to walk away from my marriage when I should have. There is no excuse for cheating, and I most certainly don't even excuse my own behaviour. Luckily for me, after the initial anger, my ex Husband could also see why our marriage was over and strangely enough we still remain friends to this day.
I would never do something like that again. Even if (God forbid) I ended up having problems with my now Husband, I would never resort to that again. The guilt and shame stays with you forever. I feel a huge amount of empathy for people who have been cheated on, because I made myself imagine, over and over again, what it would feel like to have that trust broken to make sure it was committed to memory, and would deter me from ever doing something so silly again.
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07-04-2014 18:24 #126
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07-04-2014 18:36 #127
Oh @Rachell your story is very moving. Hugs. I understand you feeling so jaded and mistrustful and thinking that cheating is normal and feeling yucky about feeling that way. Thank you so much for contributing.
You are a strong woman to have been through so much and to still be battling on! Your children are lucky to have you as their wonderful persistent role model.
I hope you find an inner sense of calm and security that will see you through to a joyful existence, given time. Big hugs.
07-04-2014 18:54 #128
I love how pure your DH sounds- he must be 1 in a million. I think guys who really respect women by not using pron etc are few and far between.
As for the bit about being unhappy to start with- yes. Totally agree 100%. And since we've been working on things I've worked out how to keep DH "happy" by the way I conduct myself around him. That will sound bad to purists but I always think that if you are willing to give something and you get joy from giving and seeing someone happy, then so long as the cost to you is not too high, give give give. But stop if it is tearing you apart emotionally/physically/mentally. Marriage is ,after all, a partnership with compromise.
I told my sister today that if I want to really philosophical about all this, it really does not matter if I stay with DH or leave or find someone else so long as I have self respect and live my life with integrity, pursuing the values I hold dear. So long as I do that the situation is kind of irrelevant. Happiness and security has to come from within. All good in theory huh
07-04-2014 18:59 #129
07-04-2014 19:12 #130
When our daughter was about 10months old my DF came to me and told me he had slept with someone else a couple of weeks previously while he was away for the weekend. I had always swore that that was a deal breaker but when push came to shove I had to try and work it out. I had severe PND and we were living with other people. We had no privacy, no time together, we constantly argued it felt like we hated each other. We ended up breaking up and I moved back to my parents for 6mo( which was 7hrs away!) when I decided to move back to sydney I got my own place and we started to talk and work ever so slowly towards repairing out relationship, it took a lot of time and 18mo later we moved back in together. I can happily say that we are in a really strong place now(2yrs after moving back in) and have had another daughter. We rarely argue now and when we do it's easily resolved after a cool down. I trust him and I don't feel like I need to know what he is doing all the time, unlike previously. However after experiencing this personally if it ever happened again than I would end it for good. Fool me once...
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