So sorry they have acted so selfishly and childishly towards you. I would send an email like that, yes. And then cease contact unless he contacted me. You can only try for so long. How hurtful.
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04-04-2014 18:40 #11
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04-04-2014 18:48 #12
You poor thing. I definitely think you should email him and say your going to stop trying after so many failed attempts. Good luck!
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04-04-2014 18:56 #13
I think you have handled things quite well. It's easy to let emotion override sense in a situation like this. I have had similar conversations with a good friend who is bhudist. She gave me the best advice. Accept them with a generous heart but do not force them to accept you. When you can give generously with an open heart and not expect anything in return you will be happier... It takes a person of strong character to do this but I totally agree with her. You must cultivate compassion for those who have no understanding of how problematic their behaviour is for others. A person with such a negative view on life has an unhappy one which they must deal with all the time... While you must only tolerate it sometimes. Be confident in knowing you are a good generous person... No need to fight.
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04-04-2014 18:59 #14
First off, You have been so, so much more reasonable and forgiving than I would have been.
I wouldn't send him an email, they, particularly your step mum, seem to love the drama, and anything you say will just bring you back into an over-dramatic fight you don't want.
If I were you, I would just stop making an effort. It sounds like they've already pretty much blocked you from their life, I'd just quietly do the same. If you stop emailing him every few months and you don't hear from them, you'll know you made the right choice. And to be honest, I think your life is going to be so much more peaceful without them in it. It's their loss if they don't care enough to have a relationship with their grandchildren.
04-04-2014 19:06 #15
Hi Everyone thanks for your advice. I think I sort of know what to do but its nice to hear that others may do the same - DaenerysT I never thought of that.They live about a 45 -1 hour drive away. I suppose I could that and just say we were in the area but they do travel a fair bit so id be annoyed if they were not home - to be honest im a bit worried it would be awkward as well...
Vic Park I want to quickly touch on your points
* did your mum/you apologise for ambushing your dad regarding the engagement party? I would be ****ed if I was your dad (being expected to pay) and this could be why your immature dad/step mum had the sulks..
- I had nothing to do with this - I was planning a BBQ at the time at my place my mum insisted on paying for it all herself and then called my dad imsisting he pay. I realise it was a pooh thing to do and told my mum that but I didnt know until the night. I tried to pay them back since they had such a crap time but they refused. Yes I did apologise for that but if I had known I would have insisited on mutually picking a place...
* The steak story doesn't make sense... She ordered it well done but your dad said she likes it rare?
I think someone touched on it already - I get the feeling she may have just wanted something to complain about. Even my hubbys grandmother declared 'what did she expect ordering it well done' and the family agreed so I know I did not hear things (which I though I did when I got the email)
* why didn't you pay for your engagement party/the reception? The moment you let parents give you big chunks of money you are letting them have a vote... A recipe for disaster. Lesson for the future: pay your own way and don't give your parents a vote on important issues in YOUR life.(I've learned this through experience with meddling parents!).
Yep lesson learnt BIG time - at the time we were all getting along so well and they insisted on contributing - I didnt realise this would happen
* if I was your dad I wouldn't get ready for your wedding at your mums house either! Who asked him to do that? That sounds bloody uncomfortable..and unreasonable.
Probably - my hubby and I were between houses and living with mum at the time so all my things were there and it was around the corner from my wedding party. It also was right on Sydney Harbour and really wanted my photos taken there. I toyed with the idea of staying the night there and having breakfast and getting ready at mums but noone seemed keen on that. I really had no where else to go and except there place where they said my mum wasnt welcome - mum was happy for dad and step mum to come. In hindsight I should have booked a hotel room....really wished I did, but again he said yes and pullled the rug out literally 5 days before the wedding so left minimal time to make changes IYKWIM
* perhaps you are ready too much into your step mums body language? This suggests that you were likely cranky with her ahead of said incidents ... Perhaps she is a naturally grumpy person...
Not too sure about this - her body language was petty clear but I guess you have to be there to see it.
* if you want your dad to visit you don't give him options of dates. Have a specific date in mind and give him a specific invite. It's harder for him to knock you back then.
I did try this but he would just come back and say they had plans and not offer another date 0 this was an attempt to try to book something in.
I am not trying to totally be the victim here. I acknowledge I went about allot of things the wrong way but I truly had no malice in my heart and apologised to my father if anything I did hurt him. I couldnt to her - I probably should have to take the highroad but I was more than happy to act civil for the sake of a relationship with my father and him to his grandkids.
04-04-2014 19:13 #16
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04-04-2014 19:27 #17Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2014
It's so hard with parents and to cut them off. You always want them to be there and hope each time will be different. The Buddhist comments make sense to me.
I would write the email, pour your heart out saying that you love him and wish he was part of your children's life. There's not much else to it. It sounds like it will be difficult to move on and accept this apparent rejection so I don't think you need to make any hard and fast rules.
Hugs to you
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04-04-2014 19:38 #18
I would also send an email, I wouldn't touch too much on the past, let that go, but instead let him know you love him and would really like him to be a part of your children's life, that he is always free to contact you and visit at any time. Include a couple of cute pictures so he knows what he is missing out on. Leave it up to him to make contact, sounds like you have tried and given plenty of invites so now it might be time to put it back onto him to keep in touch.
I guess you have to decide if that includes his wife and if so include her in the invitation? I can understand why you wouldn't want her around, but if the only way to see your dad is to include her then you might just have to go with it.
04-04-2014 19:42 #19Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2005
I'm a sort of never shut the door on family type of person (barring extreme circumstances of course) so I would send an email just saying that you love him and miss him and feel sad that he/they aren't a part of your and your childrens lives. Llet him know that your heart and your home are always open to him and you hope that you can all move forward sometime in the future.
04-04-2014 20:10 #20Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2013
I honestly wouldn't be pushing it, as your stepmother sounds like a horribly insecure woman who has issues with the 'first' wife, and is toxic now to everybody else.
I'm sorry, but I wouldn't want these two people in my life.
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