I am just wondering if anyone has still felt weird and unsettled after losing a family member?
My Grandfather died recently and his funeral was in Friday. He was a very religious man and the service reflected this, but didn't reflect 'him' if you know what I mean? It all felt so impersonal. Like it could have been anyone's funeral. No mention of his life's achievements , his family, his hobbies.
I have always felt somewhat at peace after attending a funeral - like I can accept that they are at peace but I just can't seem to do that this time. Anybody else felt like it wasn't quite 'finished'?
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03-03-2014 12:37 #1
No closure after funeral?
03-03-2014 12:43 #2-
- Join Date
- Feb 2013
I'm sorry for the loss of your grandfather.
I have never been to a 'personal' funeral (not that I have been to many) but they have always been kind of boring and unpersonal.
03-03-2014 12:53 #3
hi cakeymumma. I wonder if you have still more feelings to sort through. Perhaps the person involved with arranging the funeral wasn't as close to your grandfather and left out those important times by accident. It is always a sad time for family and I agree it is even harder if you don't get any comfort from the funeral service. I don't know what to suggest for you, perhaps a family wake, at some future date. my sympathies to you. Marie.
03-03-2014 12:57 #4
When I went to my grandmother's funeral I felt it definitely reflected her. I felt 'closure' and thought it was really lovely.
My best friend passed away a number of years ago to cancer. She was living in NYC with her husband of only 11 months at the time. I flew over to her funeral having only been there weeks before basically nursing her she was in the final stages. Her DH, who I adore, was in charge of the funeral. It wasn't her at all. Very Catholic (of which she wasn't) and only he spoke. No one else was allowed. I didn't feel it was a celebration of her life and the remarkable person she was. I've always felt sad about that. It wasn't what she would have wanted but a lot of time has passed and I'm at peace with what happened. I wrote my own eulogy for her and my memories of her and still have that piece of paper today.
I get what you are saying. Is there something you can for yourself that says goodbye? Did he like particular flowers or a place or something? So you can remember him in your own way?
Sorry to hear about your loss.
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03-03-2014 20:36 #5
My condolences and a great big hug to you.
Closure is really important. I am from a culture where funerals are a 3 day process and at the end it feels fine to bury the person and there are a few things to do after the burial. With people outside of my culture that I have been close to, I have performed my own little 'ceremony' and done something to reflect that person as I wouldn't want to get stuck in a non-completed grief process. If you could think of something meaningful and befitting of your grandfather, then do it if it would help.
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03-03-2014 21:00 #6
The only time I have felt no closure, is when I am sure the person was still around me. Exactly a year later, I felt their presence for the final time. It wasn't until then that I fully accepted that they were gone, and felt that sense of closure - I definitely didn't get it at the funeral, they were still very much 'present' there.
03-03-2014 22:01 #7Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2014
Sorry for the loss of your grandfather.
Perhaps you could write your own eulogy or one with a family member to celebrate & remember his life.
You could put it in the paper, on Facebook or on your fridge perhaps until you feel that his life was celebrated.
04-03-2014 06:37 #8
Thanks every one. Kind of glad to know I am not alone. I will think on it some more.
04-03-2014 06:38 #9
04-03-2014 07:05 #10
Tangi, or tangihanga, grieving process could be worth googling if you're curious.
It's always concluded with a shared feast (family often fast for the duration) as they don't leave the body and you don't eat around a body.
They also have an unveiling of the headstone a year (or more) later, which is like a commemoration, the grief is less raw and they can focus on the life of the person.
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