I could have written this EXACT post OP. My DD is 6 months now and I still feel the same.
I never had a problem with my DH's family I have never been close to them or had them constantly wanting to visit UNTIL DD came along and that just made me really annoyed that they never bothered before.
When DD was a newborn I just wanted to be at home with her establishing breast feeding and just cuddling her and making sure she was happy. I NEVER ask to hold other peoples babies as it is not something that interested me and whenever I HAD to pass my newborn over to someone I could see how much she hated it and got upset so I started just saying she's not happy at the moment or something like that.
I know not everyone would agree with this. but I cant help the way I feel I did try but it only upset me.I became extremely protective of my DD although in saying that around my family it was different because they cared to ask how I was doing and didnt just rush straight to the baby forgetting about me.
DH's family never let us know when they are coming just think its okay to drop in even after DH telling them to call/message first so in the early days we just wouldn't answer the door. It's full on with a newborn and the last thing I wanted was to feel like I had to entertain.
Just do what makes you happy and don't care what anyone else says about it all that matter is that you are happy for your little baby.
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24-02-2014 18:46 #11
24-02-2014 21:00 #12
Wow, thanks all for your replies! I won't reply to everyone but it's hugely reassuring to know I'm not the only one, and that it probably is to some extent just protective mama instincts.
Junglemum and lexim, thank you for explaining the other side, and positives, a bit more for me too. And on a purely rational level, I totally agree with what you've said! I don't want to exclude our very loving families, and I want them to have a good relationship with all of our future children, but this still isn't quite enough to shake the feeling of "He's mine! Back off! Grr!"
But just thinking about having an obligation to 'share' him, instantly raises my metaphorical hackles.
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24-02-2014 21:52 #13
I get were your coming from to a certain extent. I was (and am still) very protective of DS. He actually had his first day with mum today, the only time he's not been with DH or I and he turned 1 a week ago.
I also think it's important tho. Think about it like keeping his horizons broadened to. Making sure social situations are the norm for him and hopefully won't be an anxiety provoking experience.
To help you, perhaps do things when people come to visit so instead of staring at ppl thinking give my baby back, think, he's being loved cared for and attended to right now, I'll use this time to have a shower, eat a hot meal etc.
I also never understood people all of a sudden wanting to be best friend now I was pregnant. But the good thing is the people that aren't true friends are just all talk and never actually make an effort.
So bad time to mention we should catch up next time your in town joking!!!
24-02-2014 22:00 #14
Deku I completely get where you are! I felt the same through my pregnancy with DD. I found that once she was born those feelings slowly slipped away. She is 4 months and I am not ready to leave her with anyone yet but dont have the fierce feelings anymore. I felt it was my Mumma instinct on overdrive! My advice... space out visitors so you dont get overwhelmed x
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25-02-2014 08:32 #15Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2013
What you're feeling is pretty common OP and I don't think you're being overprotective. I felt exactly the same with my first and similarly with my other children. Only difference really was that with my first child I was young and depressed and my family took advantage of my vulnerability by constantly taking her off me when all I really needed from them was support. After that horrific experience that saw me become clinically depressed I never allowed myself to be treated that way again. Either way you really shouldn't have to feel obligated to hand your new baby over constantly. There is plenty of time for that. I think it's selfish and rude to say things like you'll never get him/her back (because they will all be clambering for cuddles) before you've even given birth. Just for me personally I wouldn't dream of saying that to a pregnant woman no matter what relation they are to me. It's almost like they're already telling you what they expect and you're just meant to go along. I just think you need a month to settle and find your feet as a new mother and family can visit but they need to be respectful and not take over or insist on cuddles. You're allowed to want to bond with your baby without constant interruptions particularly if you're already feeling defensive about it. If they were respectful and not already insisting on what they want I bet you would be more inclined to offer them cuddles with your baby because it wouldn't feel like you were being pressured and completely disregarded as if your only purpose was to incubate a baby for them to play with and love. And before anyone jumps down my throat I'm not suggesting that extended family be kept away, just that they need to be respectful of the OP and that anyone who's had children should have enough sense not to want to impose on her right away. OP I can't say how you'll feel after your baby is born but regardless of if it's how you're feeling now or not you will learn to let go over time, but it shouldn't and doesn't have to be the second your baby is born. It's normal and at least biologically necissary I think, to want to keep your baby close. You're the muma
25-02-2014 09:25 #16
Ok i am going to take this from a different angle.
Now is the time to figure out how you are going to overcomes Some of these feelings. I have a children that goes into sensory overload and planning is a huge key to reduce their stress. So please forgive me if this isn't helpful.
1. Get yourself a baby wearing wrap. Like a hug a Bub or the like. They are super easy to make one.
You use this when your out when you don't want Bub to passed around. People tend not to ask for a cuddle when they are in a wrap. No one can just pick them up either.
2. Decide who and when you let Bub be held by in the first few weeks.
3. Let people know now that you will be restricting visitors. Make a rough plan of what you want. Eg no one or just grandparents at hospital etc.
Set aside a few hours a day or very few days and invite (so you have the control) who you want to see Bub. If your worried they will over stay meet out say at a coffee place.
4. Make plenty of meals in advance and freeze. This will help with the 'dropping by to give you a meal' visits and really will be a godsend when Bub is little.
5. Start to talk positive about other people getting to know Bub.
Last edited by LoveLivesHere; 25-02-2014 at 09:27.
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25-02-2014 11:27 #17Senior Member
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- Sep 2013
With respect, I don't believe a newborn baby needs to have broader horizons. When they are around 1 definitely but a newborn simply needs his mum. Also I don't believe that nurturing a strong bond with mum and baby causes a child to become insecure later in life unless there is some serious helicopter parenting going on beyond 18 months old. I was very much an attachment parent with my 3rd child after my second died (SIDS). She is the most confident and capable of all of my children. I don't get the sense that the OP will be a clingy over the top parent at all. She just wants time to bond with her baby without pressure to hand the baby over all the time and when her baby gets older and more interactive im sure she will become more relaxed. That is if she isn't pushed in the opposite direction by pushy overzealous relatives. I think that's fair. I really like the baby wearing idea
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25-02-2014 14:03 #18
Exactly PP! And unfortunately I was pushed too far which has made it even worse. I hope that doesn't happen with you OP and people will be more understanding.
26-02-2014 14:20 #19
I feel you. When this chick that I've been friends with since 2009 ( but only seen in person twice) found out I was pregnant she kept saying things like "how's our baby" and saying she will have to figure out how to get to the hospital for visits. I got so angry I ended up saying no visitors. Especially not you haha
27-02-2014 18:17 #20
Phew, I finally have some time to get back on and read everything properly and reply!
I won't quote everyone but again, thank you all heaps for your replies and lots of useful advice and I'm really glad that these feelings are pretty normal!
With people like my mum or MIL, I think I will try the approach of taking the opportunity to go do other things instead of (as you so accurately put it!) "staring at people thinking give my baby back"
I have several different wraps/slings all ready to go! And it's a good idea to talk to family about my expectations and limits beforehand, it's silly but I hadn't really thought about that. I spend so much time thinking about trying to learn and follow what I see as 'social rules', I forget that I can kind of declare my own too.
You've never met me but I feel like you've just complimented and increased confidence in my future parenting! Thank you for understanding perfectly
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