OP, it sounds like you are giving EVERYTHING to those around you - the kids & your DH. But who is there for you? Your marriage is a partnership, if he doesn't have your back, where does that leave you? You deserve more! You deserve the biggest thanks for managing everything, but more importantly, you deserve love & support - don't settle for less. Stop bending over backwards for him until he starts to show you some respect.
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15-02-2014 16:16 #41
15-02-2014 16:18 #42
I hope something comes of this OP and that changes happen.
15-02-2014 16:25 #43
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15-02-2014 17:49 #44Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2013
You are not being unreasonable!
Has he never had the kids for periods of time on his own? If not WHY??
Other than that a cleaner, a robotic vacuum and lite n easy meals in the freezer would also help.
15-02-2014 18:22 #45
As a first step I would stop looking after him (ie. dinner, washing his clothes, packing his bag, etc).
You are a stay at home mum not a stay at home maid for husband. Let him look after himself.
I'd think it would be hard to change him as you probably have allowed this situation for so long (not blaming you at all!). How was the house chores split done when you were childless?
Rules of thumb for me is parenting and house chores are shared 50/50 when both parents are home.
Also, can you get help (family, friend or cleaner) to come give the house a massive clean out before he gets home one night then arrange for a day out to yourself?
So you leave him with dinner and a spotless house and expect the same from him when you come back 24hrs later?
If SAHM is your job then surely he would agree that you get a day off too once in a while.
Good luck OP x
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15-02-2014 19:17 #46
Wow, im so sorry op.
Just out of curiosity, do your children even have a relationship with him? It doesnt sound like optimal circumstances for young children to build a strong trusting relationship with him
Fifo, fine, but if he spends whatever time he is home, out fishing, thats not fair, your poor children are missing out
I have no advice, but just wanted to give you huge hugs I hope someone has some useful advice for you.
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15-02-2014 19:39 #47Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2011
Oh OP this makes me so sad you poor thing. I agree with what other posters have said, gaslighting! It rings massive alarm bells for me.
The way I see it is (and I have said this to my husband before we had our first) is my job as a SAHM is to look after the kids, that comes first. Which includes things like play group and social outings! They take priority over housework. You need it for your sanity and your children need it too.
After that yeah fine, cooking cleaning etc but as far as I'm concerned, I'll do those things for the kids before DH! He's a grown a$$ man!
If I were in your situation I'd start small. Say you're not doing the extras for him, like packing his bag etc, that is not your job! And if he wants a spotless house (which is near impossible with kids) he can hire a cleaner to come in a few times a week.
But I do think you if he had one day alone doing everything you do, he'd be in for a rude shock! And if he doesn't realise it then... Well.... I'd leave but I know everyone's relationship is different, only you can be the judge of that.
I am so sorry you're going through this I feel so horrible for you and wish you had a supportive DH.
15-02-2014 20:02 #48
I don't have much to add that everyone else hasn't already said. I'm sorry that you feel this way. Him coming home should make you happy not anxious. Cleaning up after kids is never finished. They don't sit and twiddle their thumbs all day, nor should they if he wants smart, happy kids he should be glad that you take them out into the world and let them play!
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15-02-2014 20:55 #49Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2011
Thanks everyone, has really made me re look at everything, I know I can be a control freak with how to clean the house and that's his reasoning for not helping, and when he does help he makes me feel like I'm incompetent, not the fact he is helping me out.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow arvo, he will have to do the bath, feed and bed routine by himself with all 3 kids, as he thinks it is so easy, and I'm prepared for him telling me that I have put the kids in a bad habit, so my response will be well you will be doing this routine more than me shortly so you do it how you think it should be done!
As for those who say he is missing out on the kids, I know, I ask him about this and his response is when they are older they will all be going with him, so he will get his time then. He does have a pretty good relationship with the kids, the eldest especially and he is getting pretty close to the middle one. I will give him that, that the time he spends with the kids he is really good, and a loving father to them, it's just that his time with them is limited.
15-02-2014 21:00 #50Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2008
I didn't read any other replies so sorry if I'm just repeating here...I am appalled at the attitude of your man. All things aside, PLAY is vital for the health and development of young children, and if you are a sahm, and the kids aren't in childcare or similar... then in my opinion, one of the most important tasks of the sahm is to plan and facilitate meaningful play experiences for their children and be there to play WITH them where possible. This is doing your children the best favour - not giving them a spotless house. My old neighbour's husband was like your DF. I felt so sorry for those kids because they just couldn't play without all these restrictions - keep clean, keep house clean, don't be too noisy and so forth. I have no advice other than the first thing that popped into my head which was "He's nothing but a problem and get rid of him". I know it's not as easy as all that though! I'd be thinking very carefully about changing him from a df to a dh.
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