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  1. #1
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    Default Difficult Situation

    So this is difficult! I am fairly new to my job and the girl I share my office with is gay. We get along tremendously, she is a lovely but there is another co-worker there (male) and he is also gay and they are really close friends. Anyway, everyday he will come in and speak to my 'roomie' and sort of completely by pass me, not say hi or anything. The only time he talks to me is if he needs something from me. This is everyday! He will joke with her and I feel like I don't exist!!

    Also, today one of the reps came in to our office (she is also gay) and a few moments later the guy who ignores me (lets call him X). X greeted both of them 'hello lesbians' and completely ignored me, he gave them hugs goodbye-not me! Asked them what they were doing on the weekend etc etc.

    Anyway, I feel, as you can imagine-discluded. Just because I'm not gay, doesn't mean I don't want to be included. Does anyone have any advice?

    Also, going back to my first point of me getting along really well with my roomie/office colleague...it would be nice to hang out with her outside of work, but I again feel like her and none of the others would invite me out because I'm not gay!

  2. #2
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    Look, you're just going to have to become gay to fit in!

    Only kidding, I'd say it's mostly to do with you being new and this is probably how they carry on all the time.
    Did you replace some one in your new job?
    Maybe he's wary of you until he gets to know you?
    Some people are just like this.
    Do you include yourself when they make jokes, laugh with them, or set yourself apart?
    I'd be very surprised if what they are doing was to intentionally make you feel uncomfortable or unwelcome there.

    What about taking the initiative and inviting them for Friday after work drinks or something? Or if they have plans invite yourself along?
    That way if the guy in particular has an issue with you, then you'll find out soon enough.

  3. #3
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    Really OP, this is awful and sexuality has nothing to do with it! It's exclusion plain and simple! I've been there and know how that feels.

    Do you have an HR rep? Manager you can speak to? But first, speak to them directly first, maybe suggest yourself going for a coffee together or spark up a conversation yourself. If that fails then let them know directly you feel a little excluded, they may be unaware.

    Tight-knit workplaces like this can take a while to fit into. It's tough but hang in there.

  4. #4
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    Do you say hi to him or ask him anything when he walks in?

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    Maybe he lacks confidence? I know that I have a tendency to appear unintentionally arrogant when I am actually freaking out on the inside. I don't mean it, it just happens.

    Perhaps you can be the one to break the ice, and put yourself in a position where he does not have a chance to ignore you. You never know, you may find a life long friend once you break down the walls. Or, he may be a total tool!

    Otherwise, you could focus on the positive relationships you have with other coworkers. It sounds like you are getting on pretty well with everyone else. If he is going to ignore you and treat you poorly, it is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection on him.

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    I thought gay men hated lesbians?? No seriously, my gay boss tells me this all the time....

    Do you try and engage with him? Maybe he's just more confident around people he knows.

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    He might just be uncomfortable around new people so he sticks with people he knows?

    Some people take a while to warm to new people in the workplace. Maybe you need to break the ice with him if you want to be included?

    I do think it's a tad rude on his behalf if he is outright ignoring you though.

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    He may just not like you. Not everyone likes everyone they work with weather they know them or not... (even tho it WOULD be a good idea if he did get to know you. ) Some people just may not like another person's vibe etc. Don't let it get you down, just ignore him back.

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    I was also going to say, I have seen first hand just how damaging work friendships can be when they go sour, maybe it's a good thing you won't be friends outside of work, but I also it's not. Nice when people at work ignore you.

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    I'm intentionally not friends with anyone at work. I don't go to out of hours social events or the Christmas party because friendships at work have way too much potential to go bad. I'm friendly with people and know a bit about everyone but make sure I don't get close to people. Perhaps that's the kind of relationship your colleague likes to have?


 

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