Hi everyone, apologies for the intrusion, I hope I don't upset anyone.
I have another couple of weeks to go before I start maternity leave to prepare for the long awaited arrival of our precious IVF baby, and my co-workers are always asking how everything is going or reminiscing about their own babies.
I work full time, but there is a lady who shares my office 2 days a week who sadly had a little girl born sleeping several years ago (she was full term). She also had to go through IVF to fall pregnant and told me that she still has embryos in storage she can't bear to let go of, but has been unable to use as her partner took his own life
My boss talked to us separately when she first started to make sure we both felt comfortable sharing an office with me being pregnant. I had no issue and obviously she was okay with it too. My co-worker has never directly told me about her stillborn daughter, so I'm not sure how much she knows I'm aware of?
She always asks about the baby and seems genuinely happy for me, as I've been approaching the end of my pregnancy though she seems to be a bit more emotional. I've never experienced a loss, so I was wondering if anyone could give me any advice on things I should or should not say around her?? I'm sure just seeing my big belly is hard enough, and with everyone making a fuss in my final weeks I want to try to make things as easy as possible for her.
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07-02-2014 16:44 #1
How to be considerate
07-02-2014 18:44 #2
I have no advice I'm sorry. Just want to bump for you.
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07-02-2014 19:25 #3
I don't really know although I would like to commend you on asking! Congrats by the way
For me, I could not handle a lady being pregnant where I worked so I swapped desks so I wasn't near her. It was always hard when people spoke about the her baby and I tried really hard not to hurt. We never spoke about it and I never asked questions because it was too raw for me. In the end the woman ended up giving birth to a sleeping baby so I felt horrible. We talk openly now about our losses. It's going to hurt but I think it's great you are asking to alleviate that hurt.
Sorry, rambling and probably not much help. Good luck and **bump**
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09-02-2014 07:43 #4Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2013
What a considerate and thoughtful question. My daughter died at 2 days old last September and I work in an office with loads of pregnant people and people with young kids (the federal office of child care policy!) - so I can only tell you what I would and do appreciate.
I generally end up in tears when people ask me directly about her, but its nice to be asked or just a quick 'i know how hard this must be'. People generally act like nothing has happened which is very hurtful. I'd also keep the baby talk to a minimum - I spent most of my working days with noise cancelling headphones on to avoid all the baby chat. And I'd also recommend zero complaining. I can't cope with people complaining about their kids not sleeping, toilet training, or general pregnancy discomforts. I'd kill for all and any of that.
Perhaps you can also ask to see a photo or ask the name of her baby. Two people have asked to see photos of my daughter and it was very validating.
There is a pregnant women in my team who started while I was on maternity leave and she doesn't talk to me at all socially. A adult thing to do would be to catch me in the kitchen and just mention that she knows it must be hard for me. Maybe you can do that.
Before I lost my daughter there was a lady who lost one of her twins and I never spoke to her about it and just pretended it never happened. I wish I hadn't done that.
Big thumbs up for asking the question and best of luck with your little one - fingers crossed for super healthy, small head and a good sleeper.
09-02-2014 12:10 #5
Thanks ladies, I really appreciate your responses
09-02-2014 12:24 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2009
Can you pick a quiet time of day, make her a cuppa and have a chat. Acknowledge that it could be hard for her at the moment and ask if there is anything you could do/avoid doing so that you don't make things harder for her. She may be fine with it all but she might have some worries and have been to shy to say anything. Good on you for thinking of her too - I'm sure she'll appreciate it.
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