My husband and I separated on the weekend and I am a mess. I feel like my heart is ripped in 2 and the prospect of not seeing my daughter every day is killing me. Will I ever feel normal again
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29-01-2014 11:57 #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
Does it get easier
29-01-2014 12:02 #2
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29-01-2014 13:49 #3
Hugs OP. I'm a dad and I know it's worse for mums, so I really feel for you. Because I found it terribly hard. It's been three years for me now and I can tell you that it affects everyone differently. For me and a lot of people, yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It eventually gets easier. The key is looking after YOU more than you probably have up until now - pursue some personal interests, get a job, take up a hobby you always wanted to do - whatever works for you, but whatever you do, stay busy on the days that they aren't around.
Outside of that, I don't have much more than hugs. I still have days that are really bad where I miss them. Splitting things like Christmas and birthdays never gets easier, I don't think. But for the most part, you will be okay. Stay strong, take care of yourself and, as hard as it may be, try and stay positive.
29-01-2014 16:55 #4
29-01-2014 17:07 #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
It does get better...tbh it takes well over a year or so for it to become "good" in my experience.
9 years on, mostly I am fine with how it all worked out...I do still struggle having to share DS at times lol My big one is NYE...it was the first one I was not with him for and it really hurt and to me i just could not celebrate it without him
Hang in there...make sure you are kind to yourself and that you get some counselling to help you find your new balance.
How did you go with the lawyer?
29-01-2014 22:27 #6
Everybody's circumstance is different so the length of time it takes 'to get easier' will vary. From the day I asked my ex to leave I never felt anything for him- it's been over 2 years. For me it's been about the children. I don't know your circumstance so i'm just going to give the advice I offer at work: 1. it's ok to stay in survival mode for a while. If that means feeding, clothing and loving the children but little else so be it but keep tabs on yourself in case you slip into depression. Finding a wise friend to keep tabs on you is helpful in this regard. 2. Do the practical things. Centrelink, child support, bill paying. Need help to do these things? Get support from family, friends or women's services. 3. Reach out. You don't always know what to say but do the best you can. I found support from the most unlikeliest of people. You need this now but you won't need it forever. 4.Showers are therapeutic and a safe haven. You can be warm in there and it feels like a warm hug sometimes. A great childfree space to cry. Hot water bottles are great at night. So too are teddy bears, fresh sheets, clean towels for after your shower. 5. Find a counsellor because you may need them for the long haul. A mental health care plan from your GP will provide the first 10 sessions with minimal cost to you. I've had my therapist for 18 months. I only see her every 2-4 weeks but it's like an off load session that declutters my head. Let me know if you need help finding one. That's my industry. 6. Acknowledge that this is possibly the worst you will ever feel and experience. Treat yourself gently and I encourage you to write a quick list about your positives when you find yourself having a good hour. Revisit these positives when you are having downtimes. I have a list of all the negatives my ex had made me believe about myself. When I am down I go through that list and identify all the evidence that makes these things untrue. It takes the power of the statements go away and now his comments are laughable. 7. When you are feeling overwhelmed, break it down. Note down all you think is making you feel this way. They are all separate and if you can look at them individually it's not as daunting. 8. I encourage you to get formal support. A women's service that can help you through, a women's specific helpline (good to know you can call someone at night when you need to).
Keep posting here. There are lots of resilient, strong, amazing women (and men) who have been through terribly hard times. They posted here when they were in a similar position to you. They now post here offering support and love because they've done the hard yards and have come out the other side. You will one day be here posting support for other single parents. Your daughter chose you to be her mama because of your amazing strength, courage and ability to be the best mama possible for her. Your situation has changed but these qualities have not disappeared. Hold on to that thought and your light at the end of the tunnel will one day emerge. It's a journey but not one you are incapable of navigating. Big hugs to you.
Last edited by BbBbBh; 29-01-2014 at 22:30. Reason: bad spelling
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