We lost our little girl at 21 weeks back in October. I think I'm coping pretty well I know a few friends of mine who experienced losses couldn't look at pregnant women, hold babies etc for quite a long time without feeling that pain. I have lots of pregnant friends and babies around me and I'm happy for them and have no problem talking baby stuff etc without losing my sh*t.
That being said there are still things people say or do that makes me so angry, sad or upset. I don't voice it to them obviously but I thought this might be a safe place to share those things that hurt your heart so much.
-people complaining about pregnancy, I get its hard and tiring and stressful but man I wish I was puffy, fat, tired and sore and still had my baby on board.
- people being upset over not getting desired sex. As above I understand the feeling behind it but I'd give anything just for my 2nd dd to have been healthy.
-at a party the other night while sitting with my pregnant friend someone asked her what's going on, her sister replied with "well she's still pregnant" and everyone laughed. Gosh not even directed at me but I had to move away and take a few deep breaths.
Maybe one day I'll stop getting these feelings at comments that aren't intended to upset me but for now I just smile and hope with every new day my broken heart will mend a little bit more.
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19-01-2014 22:04 #1
Things that still make your heart ache after a loss
19-01-2014 22:44 #2
Huge hugs OP, I hope you felt some relief just to get that out, people can be so insensitive and hurtful.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, I wish I had the right words to convey that xxxxxx
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19-01-2014 23:22 #3
I understand to a degree the emotions. Whilst our losses weren't as late, we've had 2 mmc now at 12.5wks & 10.5wks after seeing healthy hb both times....and yes, I've been through the not wanting to see pregnant women (im still in that place actually), wanting to slap those complaining about their pregnancies and just being angry in general towards those that seemingly couldn't care less about their babies or didn't want to be utd in the first place.
You're right in that the comments aren't being directed specifically but it still doesn't make it any easier for the present time when they are said. Each day is another step forward though. Big hugs xx
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20-01-2014 03:27 #4Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2010
I kNow the feeling. I lost my baby at 27wks in nov. We were in the same dig. I've seen a few 'I'm over being pregnant' threads on here & I shut BH down for a while as like you I would give anything to still be pregnant. Seeing pregnant people currently feels like someone has stabbed me in the heart. xx
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31-01-2014 09:46 #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2013
I absolutely know the feeling, my daughter died when she was 2 days old in September, she was 10 weeks early and had a heart defect and her oesophagus wasn't joined up. We made the incredibly difficult decision not to get airlifted to Sydney for multiple surgeries with very poor outcomes.
I only went back to work in December and find it incredibly difficult being around pregnant people, some things that have really stung:
- everyone oooing and ahhing over a baby photo of a relative (no one has even asked if I have pictures of my little girl other than 2 close friends)
- overweight pregnant women in my team at work who just seems to eat high calorie foods - like daily croissants and didn't even know if she was immune to chicken pox when we had an outbreak at work (I did everything right with my pregnancy)
-someone complaining at length about having to toilet train their little girl ( I wish I had that problem)
- a close friend living out her post-natal depression on facebook. I know its a serious condition and she's in a dark place, but she has a healthy baby!
- a friend complaining about the number of serious choices that they had to make recently (try deciding whether to operate on your 908g daughter, and when to take the resuscitation tube out and whether to have a classic caesarian to not kill your child but impact every future pregnancy)
Or even worse- weeks and weeks passing without anyone mentioning it at all.
I don't know why we find seeing pregnant people so hard - I guess it's envy - they get something that has been taken away from us. Usually without a cause. My anger is generally targeted at fat pregnant women - not sure why that is either-I'd like to think its about looking after yourself and your baby, but I'm probably a fattist.
31-01-2014 10:49 #6
Oh nica reading your reply brought tears to my eyes. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss and that no-one mentions her or talks about her. I found that the worst thing when I returned to work was that not one Person said I'm sorry for your loss or asked abut her just continued on like nothing had happened. I ended up quitting. Luckily I have lots of close friends and family who talk about her and have asked to see photos etc. I need to talk about her, she was real and I want to never let her memory die.
Once again im so sorry you've been through this. I bet your dd was absolutely beautiful x
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31-01-2014 13:05 #7
Last edited by DesperatelySeekingSleep; 31-01-2014 at 13:13.
31-01-2014 13:17 #8
We found out at the nt scan that our baby had multiple issues and made the decision to terminate at 14 weeks. Six month later at a function, I was talking to someone who was upset and complaining that their pet had been ill and they had decided to put it down. She was saying how devastating it was and such a tough decision. I felt saying that's nothing compared to making the same decision about your child. I just took a deep breath and walked away.
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31-01-2014 13:33 #9
So many things....
One that I'm finding hard to manage is that I've become fiercely protective of her memory and little girls in general. Our daughter was stillborn at 25 weeks in March last year and now we're expecting a boy in a few weeks. When people make the comments "Oh a little boy, him and his daddy can do xyz together" or any gender based comments my little brain screams - SHE could have done ALL of those things. so it's ok she died because boys are better!?
I know it's irrational. I know I love my little boy and will even more so when I get to meet him. But I still love my little girl and there's nothing that she wouldn't have been able to do if she had lived.
So yeah, I get it :/
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