I agree that your husband hasn't perhaps communicated very well. However, as the sole breadwinner myself, I do understand how it feels to be stressed about finances. As Caviar said, the comment about, you know, 'just' being in debt for a year or so would stress me out - I'm not sure if you've expressed that feeling to him, but it may make him feel more pressured?
Something that works for me is to be accepting of someone's concerns but put it back on them, if you know what I mean. So, sure, he wants you to work more hours than that - that in itself is not such an unreasonable request. But, given the agreement that you previously made, how would *he* suggest you do that and adhere to the agreement? What would *he* be willing to take on in the mornings/change at home if you are agreeable to working late? If you seem open to discussing what his issues are then he needs to be open to accommodating changes that will need to be made for them to work. I guess I'm talking about give and take.
I don't think what he is said in essence is particularly hurtful, at least not how I read it here. Do you feel that he hasn't acknowledged your illness and triggers? Or does he not acknowledge how much you contribute to the family as a SAHM? These are both very reasonable feelings, and I think worth discussing. I know when I'm worried about money I tend to overlook other factors sometimes.
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07-11-2013 12:21 #11
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07-11-2013 12:21 #12
You don't want to work. Your husband thinks you should be working as you are under financial stress. I can see where you're coming from, but scraping by and going into debt for a year is possibly not the right attitude and it sounds like your husband might be annoyed that you think that way.
You need to nut it out with him. You said you could 'easily work 20-30 hours' per week. Not saying you should, but that sounds rather ideal. It's not easy to come by PT work. Anyway, it's up to the two of you to figure out together by talking sensibly and coming to an agreement together.
I can understand where he is coming from though. You were working, but suddenly lost your job due to the death of the employer, so it was unexpected and not a decision you both made, so that would be stressful for him as you've now decided you're fine with not working, but clearly he isn't. Hope you work it out soon.
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07-11-2013 12:30 #13
If you only have enough money for mortgage payments and food then the amount of debt you accumulate over a year will possibly be substantial. Rates, water, car expenses, insurance, Internet, phone - the bills quickly add up. I'd be stressed in your DH's position too. That can set you up for long term financial stress.
That said, it's also not reasonable to expect you to work til 10pm or beyond and then get up at 5.30 with the kids. That's a sure fire path to burn out and further health issues.
It may be that daycare and working during the day is a financial necessity. Perhaps you could check out the local centers to see if they're any good. Or, could you negotiate with him that if you work evenings he gets up with the kids and gives you a sleep in til 7am?
07-11-2013 12:47 #14Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2013
It's hard to comment without knowing the entire situation.
But to be honest, is 3 hours of work really worth it? Seems kind of pointless. Can I ask how many hours you were working prior to losing your job?
I try and look at things from another perspective. If hubby had been fired, I would want him looking for work straight away, as stressing about money would put a lot of strain on our marriage. I would also be upset if he was previously contributing more to our household and then refused to contribute the same amount. For example if he had been working x amount of hours and then only wanted to work z amount of hours.
I understand that your mental health is obviously a huge factor in your decision, but I think that stressing about money would only make that situation worse. Especially given how your hubby feels about the situation.. It sounds like this would cause problems in your marriage.
07-11-2013 13:14 #15-
- Join Date
- Jun 2013
$50K isn't much to live off, you need to sit down with your DH and come up with a strategy on how best you get back into the work place. There's no point doing 3 hours a week. 20 - 30 hours would obviously be more beneficial.
07-11-2013 13:52 #16
Sorry but I agree that although its hard to hear maybe its something you need to hear.
My husband and I both agreed we wouldn't send our kids to day care before they are 3 years old as we felt it was too young. My DH lost his job and I had to go back to work and DS went to daycare 3 days a week. You know what - he flourished. He got more confident and his speech got better. Unfortunately I was not able to dig my heels in an refuse daycare.
Do you have family you may be able to pay a little to watch your kids or friends already at home with kids? My friend does that.
I would suggest sitting down with your hubby and doing a budget and seeing where you can cut back and where you fall short. Maybe doing 1 or 2 overnight shifts may be more beneficial or can you work weekends when hubby is home?
Remember its just for a year like you said. If your DH wages go up in a year maybe negotiate to work a bit more then drop back when he gets paid more???
07-11-2013 13:54 #17-
- Join Date
- Nov 2013
I don't really know what advice to give, but my DH and I are in a similar situation to yours so I know how you feel. Money isn't everything, as long as you have the basics and love and all that, that's enough.
07-11-2013 13:55 #18Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2012
I was doing 20ish hours a week before i stopped working (i dont like saying i lost my job cause i didnt, the boss died). I was working 5 nights per week from 5-9/9.30pm. Yes i could do it (i could easily find another job with similar hours) but i dont want to. It was so hard. DH wont cook dinner on the nights i work, we wont do any laundry/tidying etc, i still have to do everything around the house. So this would be my typical day, wake up at 6am (or earlier if the kids wake up, i have to get up cos DH gets annoyed if the kids interfere with his morning routine), make kindy lunch, drop DD at kindy, do something with DS, DS naps til kindy pick up, pick up DD, come home and organise dinner, do some laundry, DH gets home at 4.45pm, i leave at 5pm, work til 9-930pm, home by 10pm, shower, bed then do it all again the next day.
Ive tried to get DH to cook the nights im at work and he gets annoyed ('ive worked all day, i shouldnt have to do home stuff, thats your job').
DH has always said he is the provider and im the mum/home keeper but now i have to be the homekeeper/mum AND provide financially. I feel like theres all this pressure on me to provide financially as well has do everything i normally do.
07-11-2013 14:10 #19
Good luck with sorting something out!
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07-11-2013 14:12 #20
In that case, it's fairly simple. If HE wants you to work, and you can only work those hours, HE needs to pull his weight at home. Cook dinner, get up with the kids once or twice a week and make it FAIR.
If you are both working, he should not expect you to do ALL the home duties as well. That just unfair.
I agree with the posters who said you can easily fall into a big hole if you do t have enough money coming in to cover all your expenses, but there does need to be some equality at home as well. If you are pulling in the same money, he needs pull his weight around the house. It won't kill him.
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