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29-10-2013 13:15 #31
29-10-2013 13:29 #32
I struggled with my MIL when my first child was born. I felt like she was criticizing my parenting all the time, I just wanted to be left alone with my new baby.
Fast forward 3.5 years and another child and I am grateful for her involvement with my toddlers....we have a once a week standing visit time. She comes in the afternoon and stays home with my youngest while I take my oldest swimming, then hangs out with the kids while I cook dinner and then has dinner with us.
My kids love her, I have grown to appreciate her. The more people your kids have in their village the better. You may not want her around, but I can guarantee your child will.
Please be open to their involvement, it is hard to hand a little baby over to what is seen a a meddling in-law, but I can guarantee you will be more than happy for their help once you have a toddler.
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29-10-2013 13:42 #33
It's your protective maternal instinct coming out. I went through the same thing when DD was born all of a sudden IL's were around much more and offering advice and trying to help and the only person I wanted help from was my Mum, my. Reasoning she raised me and I trusted her but in the end I gave myself a mental slap and reminded myself DD was as much their family as she was mine and MIL had raised babies before and knew what she was doing and it is a good thing I did because not long after DH had gone back to work and my Mum had gone back home I came down with gastro and MIL came and spent the day with DD while I spent it in bed. I think you need to come to the realisation that your bub is as much their grandchild as your parents.
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29-10-2013 14:15 #34
I feel your pain itspink.
My MIL became a smother-in-law, as soon as DH moved into my place (I had my own home and 2 kids when I met DH).
Argh I feel your pain. I'm with you on that, your DH needs to check with you first and make sure it's ok for your IL's to come over. IMO that is common courtesy. If I visited a friend or relative with a new bub I would always call or text first and not just rock up and knock on the door! How rude.
My MIL was a bit like that. Just come over whenever, no notice whatsoever.
I got jack of it and said something. Sometimes people just don't know. Maybe your MIL doesn't understand your personal boundaries so much. But do say something to her. It doesn't need to be nasty but it needs to be said if it upsets you so much
Good Luck with it. I'm not going to tell you your MIL's have rights it's their grandchild too etc etc because clearly they are being rude. You or your DH will need to fix it
29-10-2013 16:55 #35-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Hmmm. I understand how your mil is annoying. Mine annoys me and sometimes I can't explain it. However my MIl can't be stuffed with her grandkids, so it's a bit of a Different issue.
Perhaps you could set up boundaries so your mil doesn't 'have' to help you. Eg meet out for coffee or if you notice bub grizzling and don't want mil to help could you say "I am just going to settle bub, would you mind making a couple of cuppas for when I'm done?". You could also mention other chores (wipe the kitchen, get bubs sleeping bag etc). The idea is to find something for the mil to do that you don't mind her doing/won't annoy you.
29-10-2013 17:23 #36Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
How old is bub?
Don't stress... Talk to ur dh, maybe he can chat to them nicely and tell them that certain things can be a bit full-on eg the breastfeeding thing. Perhaps ask them to do some chores to help out wen they come over??
I have huge issues with my ILs. They have really overstepped the mArk on numerous occasions, yet, other people can't see it for what it is coz they haven't been thru it.
I had a go at my BIL a few years back, he & his wife never ever visit, never see our kids, yet wanted ds to be page boy at their wedding..
So when they asked, I asked them why did they wNt him wen they hardly ever saw him (ps we live 2 mins away from each other so there wasn't much difficulty in catching up).
Well the s... Hit the fan and it's never been the same. And although I still think my point was valid, I should have just shut the hell up.
Anyways, i totally understand where you're coming from, but think carefully before you say too much coz it's only caused me problems.
29-10-2013 18:45 #37
This really scares me. My bio DS is 20 and one day very soon I'll be "THE MIL". I don't want his partner feeling like this about me. It appears to be that your damned if you do and damned if you don't. How can I be a good MIL that my son's partner doesn't hate?
OP please remember you will be a MIL one day. Take some of the great advise given and use their desire to be involved with their grandchild to your advantage.
29-10-2013 20:47 #38Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2013
There has been some great advice here.
As a child I was the little girl who didn't want to share her things because noone treated them the way I would, I couldn't have a scratch or mark or imperfection on them I was very protective and took great pride in my things.
I'm still the same today and I figure I think I am being a little like this with my baby which I know is not good and I need to get over this.
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Little Miss Sunshine (06-11-2013)
29-10-2013 21:15 #39Member
- Join Date
- May 2011
I think what people are saying about it being important for your kids that you have a good relationship with them is really wise. I have an extremely strained relationship with mil but I make sure never to talk about that in front of my daughter. Partly for my husband's sake, partly because I know how important grandparents are. But yeah, very similar dynamics... although in my case, since we've had our daughter, she wants to be my confidant. I'm a very private person - one or two very close friends - and never respond well to having friendship forced on me. It's just her personality, but man it makes it tough.
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29-10-2013 21:23 #40
If they do something you're absolutely against, tell them... but if it's just something that isn't exactly your way, let it slide.
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