Bit of a vent but here goes...
So since having my baby my husbands parents are constantly wanting to visit (his parents are divorced so it always has to be at seperate times)
Anyway the thing that annoys me the most is that they hardly ever visited prior to our baby being born maybe once or twice a year. So basically they are only coming to visit to see baby and that really p*sses me off.
I stress out easily and find it hard to relax around them like I just cant be myself (its just different with inlaws) compared to my family I dont care if they rock up and I'm in my PJ's or house is a mess.
In hospital after the birth my husbands dad came up every day. I am not close to him at all and really didnt want him hanging around in the hospital room while I was trying to learn to breast feed etc but obviously he just doesn't think about those things.
Now DH mum has said that she wants to visit at least once a week, now I know for some people this is nothing but to me it really makes me mad as she never cared to visit before and I hate having demands made of me. I don't want anything to be different now that baby is here I don't want to see them every week.
Just a bit of a rant to get it off my chest, hoping I have written this the way I am feeling and it makes sense, I probably have missed some things.
I just don't want my feelings rubbing off on my baby and I am happy all the time except for when my husbands parents get bought up I just don't feel close to them at all and have never really had much to do with them and now they are forcing themselves on me and it is annoying the cr*p out of me.
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29-10-2013 00:58 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2013
29-10-2013 01:30 #2
I think I'm heading towards the same situation! I'm due next year, and my partners' mum hardly ever spoke to him before, and is now calling him all the time and called on the weekend saying she is on her way over to visit, a week after we moved into a new place, so there's boxes of crap everywhere!!
I chucked a wobbly and told dp that he could meet her at the shops, I didn't want to reinforce that behaviour. I'm trying to tell him when she says this stuff, he is to say "I'll let you know what we're doing" rather than just saying "okay" then having to call her back and saying no, as this means she totally knows it's me saying no!!
Could your husband maybe say something to them about you needing some time to adjust to the baby, and you need a bit of space to sort everything out? Or maybe they will think you then need even more "support" and you'll never get rid of them!! eep!!
Sorry, I've been no help at all!!
29-10-2013 05:48 #3
Just wanted to send you massive hugs and tell you I understand. We are going through massive issues with our in laws at the moment and it is the absolute worst! (Feel free to read my thread if your interested but I don't want to dishearten you lol).
Some of our issues with the il's were the same as yours. We asked that they call and ask before turning up to the hospital (33 hours of active labour and an emergency cs and pre eclampsia- I felt I had been hit by a truck!!) but they turned up unannounced and also sent up dh's grandparents and aunties and uncles and cousins without asking! I was still naked!! It was the worst experience of my life- so much so that I am NOT telling them when this baby is born and putting them on the banned list with the midwives. I so feel your pain on this- it is the worst. We also asked for a call before they visited once we were home and for noone to ask to come after 5pm (family time plus witching hour'!!), they ignored our boundaries completely and have just recently told us they think they are 'abnormal' and 'akin to court ordered custody agreements'. We tried for 12 months to tell them when was best to visit and how to behave when visiting (that sounds harsh but they were really distressing dd) and they ignored it all and now we have cut them off for now. They are nutcases All I can say is team up with your dp and sort out what you want as your own family and demand that is respected. Suggest a schedule for them to visit that works for YOU. You are at home with bubba, it falls to YOU, so when does it work for YOU. Maybe straight after your family has visited so that you have showered and eaten that day, and your family has straightened the house/held the baby while you do so it is less stressful for you.
Massive massive massive hugs, and copious amounts of understanding. I hope they are better than my il's (read normal people) and respect your boundaries and become a helping hand rather than a stressful hinderance.
Me 27 + Him 28 =
#2 due 28.1.2014
6 angels loved and missed.
29-10-2013 05:52 #4
My mil rarely visited prior to my kids being born, she started visiting weekly After I had my first daughter.
Although she's not my favourite person in the world I was so grateful for the effort she put in to visit each week as it showed my husband how excited she was about her grandchild.
My father on the other hand who was a perfect dad while I was growing up), hasn't even met my second daughter.
MIL's partner in my house annoys me, big the relationship that's growing with my eldest daughter with her nana is lovely.
Id be honest, just say can you please ring and ask to visit instead of calling us on your way. You're learning to be a mum and are really uncomfortable with try to establish breastfeeding in front of people.
Totally in love with our two beautiful little girls.
Feb 2011 and May 2013
29-10-2013 05:58 #5-
- Join Date
- Mar 2013
I have been in a similar situation. I love my inlaws very much, but my family was always distant & my inlaws are hands on. I didn't know how to cope with the frequent visits, phone calls etc & you're never as comfortable with the inlaws as with your own family (I ask mum to help with my washing, I rush around like a crazy lady to hide the washing from mil. I don't know why. My mil is lovely. Anyway)
Tips & hints (not for everyone)
1. LIE. Sorry, I have plans today, maybe next week (can cut it back to fortnightly visits)
2. Meet away from the house. Parks, coffee shops. You then have control over leaving when you & bub have had enough.
3. You don't have to be perfect. Let them see you are human. They'll either love you for it or visit less
4. Take advantage of it!! Sounds like you have 2 loving hands on inlaws & possibly 2 full days a week to yourself!!! Ask them if they'd like to have a day on their own with bub (in your house if your comfortble) use this time to do your shopping or clean/cook whatever. You are actually really lucky to have 2 people who can't get enough of bub!
Lastly, I understand the whole 'they didn't seem to care about me thing', but they are your babies grandparents. Now may be a great time to build a relationship with them. It's good for baby too to be surrounded by people who live them to bits x
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29-10-2013 06:35 #6
It's hard. We have the opposite problem, the in laws couldn't give a stuff about our kids, when they used to see my husband almost weekly prior to me having a baby. Now it's maybe 3-4 times a year or whenever it is convenient for MIL to pretend to be a devoted grandmother.
I'm not sure which situation is worse but I know that they way things are now hurts my husband constantly. I also know I'd find it hard to have MIL here weekly after everything that has happened.
Wait until the baby is a bit older, you might be really grateful for the chance to have a quick shower or something while they're there.
29-10-2013 06:43 #7Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
Sorry OP but I think you're being overly harsh. I think it's lovely they want to be involved with their grandchild and care. Besides, it's your husband's house and baby too. I'm sure they always cared, but babies bring out extra special reasons for grandparents to visit. I think it wouldn't hurt to be a bit more accommodating and see the positives of it all.
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29-10-2013 06:43 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
We have the opposite problem. My I laws didn't care before and still don't care now. They act like they care to everyone else but rarely contact unless they need /want something. I'm come to the conclusion that they don't know how to be grandparents as they tell everyone how excited they are about being grandparents yet do nothing about it. I've started making more of an effort to ask them to be involved as I don't want DD growing up thinking they don't care about her as they actively show a lot more interest in our niece who's slightly older. What happens from there is up to them. Sorry to derail OP.... Just having my own vent
29-10-2013 06:55 #9
29-10-2013 06:56 #10
I agree with Fitchick. Hopefully you can use their visits to your advantage. Having someone to push the trolley or help with baby whilst you go shopping, someone to watch baby whilst you get your hair done or do errands. I wouldn't worry if they prefer to see baby instead of you. Sounds like you don't really like them yourself so it's a win/win. I would love to have someone come to spend time with baby a few times per week. Use it to your advantage and you may see a new side to them.
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