Hi all. I'm not sure what to do. I can't stand my Dh touching me or even hugging me. He has never been physically violent toward me but tonight I dreamt he was and I felt scared.
The root of these feelings goes back- I had pnd 2007-2011 and he couldn't cope with helping me. In February this year I found he'd been cheating with multiple women- prostitutes even, over a 3.5 year period.
He was desperately sorry and vowed to stop and has been very family focuses and supportive ever since. We have been to counseling which helped but we're not going currently.
Since a month ago I just can't stand him touching me. I feel repulsed by him. Don't want to kiss him, and just feel like he is dirty.
Most of our friends can't believe I even tried to reconcile with him when I found out about all the cheating. I am wondering if I was just craving the attention so badly, and had such low self esteem, that I wasn't seeing clearly that what he had done was a deal breaker.
I am confused. I don't know if this is my gut telling me " you tried to give him one last try but stop flogging the dead horse" or something else?
I feel stuck. I know that if I end it it is truly over and I am scared of that. Scared of being like my parents and scared of damaging my children like I was damaged as a result of my parents divorce.
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15-10-2013 03:03 #1
Turned into a prude
15-10-2013 03:28 #2-
- Join Date
- Aug 2011
I think maybe it might be worth going back to a few more counseling sessions to find out the root of you not wanting affection from dh, to see if it is you or something else making you feel that way. Iykwim.
Hugs. Thats a tough one. Oh. I forgot to day. I also go through phases of nkt wanting to be touched by dh. I have pnd and it is a big sign for me. Do you thing maybe pnd or depression might be rearing its head? Just something to think about and look into.
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15-10-2013 06:46 #3
Thanks Monkey. Yes I definitely feel depressed. I was wondering if I should talk to someone by myself about these feelings. I feel scared to do that- the last 3 psychologists I've tried to get help from have all said "you don't need to see me anymore" and I am afraid of the rejection. Isn't it the client who knows when they are ready to stop?
16-10-2013 09:24 #4
Hi! I do not have depression but I do have trust issues. I can not have intimacy with someone if I do not completely trust them or if they have diminished respect for me. I've never been ok about 'one night stands'. I also feel that my need for the basics of trust and respect to have intimacy has increased since having children. I'm not sure if these same issues are impacting on you but thought i'd share them. Counselling is great but trust needs to rebuild over time. Trust for you may not just be trust around him being 'faithful' but also the trust where you know he will support you through thick and thin, respect you as a wife, mother, friend and sexual partner. You could also be grieving the loss of your relationship prior to his s%x with other partners.
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19-10-2013 23:49 #5
Thank you Bh I think your words are very valuable and I feel the exact same way as you do about intimacy & respect. Obviously he does not.
20-10-2013 07:51 #6-
- Join Date
- Jul 2010
I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice, but I definitely think talking through things with someone by yourself would be helpful. Did any of the psychologists say you could go back if you ever need to?
Firstly, I just wanted to say that I do understand people staying because of the impact on the children, but if you do decide to separate, please don't think that your children will be damaged.
I've seen some terrible separations where the children have been affected, but I've also seen many separations that have been handled really well and the children have been fine. My parents divorced when I was young, and although difficult at first, they handled it well and remained civil to one another, so my siblings and I were ok.
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20-10-2013 10:04 #7
You are NOT a prude. You are having a very normal reaction to some disgusting behaviour in his part. I really really feel for you and understand leaving seems so scary but honestly I don't think I could ever get over that. I would be like you- not wanting him to touch me etc and I don't think trust ever fully comes back, and trust issues just destroy relationships. Been there, done that
Has he ever called you a prude? I can't understand why you think that of yourself. You are NOT the one to blame in this situation!
28-10-2013 21:40 #8
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