My DH is the same OP. Unless we have some specific planned social occasion he just wants to do his own thing on the weekends. Drives me insane! Actually, if we could get someone to watch the kids he would be super happy to go out as a couple, but never wants to go out and do stuff with all 4 of us.
And the need for 'me time' doesn't cut it for me either as he goes out two nights a week for darts and soccer.
I don't know how to fix it!
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12-10-2013 14:50 #11
13-10-2013 10:34 #12Member
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- Oct 2013
I agree with pp's that your H could be depressed OP, especially with the obvious tension about the kids and what they mean to him. I guess I didn't stay that straight up because if you talk to most men and say "Are you depressed honey?", the immediate answer is going to be "NO!", even if they clearly are!!
So I suggest you try to get from him how he is feeling (without taking it personally) because I was depressed and was even thinking of leaving my DH because I just didn't see any point in my existence, it seemed like I had no purpose and that was my instant feeling with your h's comment. He perhaps feels useless, but rather than say that - he's expressing "what's the point?" "Why am I here" "I'm not worth anything" type ideals (and my DH is absolutely wonderful when I was depressed so don't think this is any reflection on you - no matter how terrible his attitude to life is atm, ok?) Always remember that this is a very serious, very treatable mental health issue and he cannot be held responsible for his thinking if he is depressed. First things first is admitting there IS a problem, so talk to him about how he's feeling, after a while make a very gentle suggestion and then see if after mulling it over he can see through the fog enough to seek some help. Without any more information it sounds like he's not too bad but bad enough to be worth mentioning.
13-10-2013 10:55 #13
13-10-2013 11:20 #14
I agree with others about depression. I thought his comment was interesting about you being incapable of doing anything on your own. To me that would suggest he is feeling weighed down by obligation. Maybe life with kids isn't what he thought it'd be? Maybe he feels pressure to be a 'good dad and husband' and this gives him anxiety?
Has it always been this way or has something changed in your family ie financial pressures?
I also think that there needs to be a way of balancing needs. It's not too much for him to have some down time to balance your need for family time and your childrens' needs for daddy time. Perhaps you could approach the issue as something you are willing to give a little on ie schedule in Saturday mornings for his time before doing something all together on a Saturday afternoon?
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13-10-2013 14:25 #15
I don't think this behaviour shouldn't automatically be attributed to depression.
I think he is taking his family for granted, he's definitely not appreciating you as he should be. He is completely dismissing your feelings and needs as well as your children.
I think you need some firm relationship boundaries. That you should both get ME to each week, but that the family should be your main focus. I would let him know that he's in danger of losing his family. He's supposed to love and cherish you more then any one else in the world, but he's not.
I would tell him that your relationship is suffering and so are the children, because they are not getting what they deserve from their father. Ask him how he would feel if in 5 years you were divorced and you were with another man, who spent time cherishing you and playing with the kids, making you all feel loved and who acted like he proffered your company. Tell him that it is a possibility if things don't change.
I think he needs a scare, and you need marital counselling. At the moment he has no consequences to his actions.
13-10-2013 14:55 #16
I can relate to both of you really.
On one hand, I was a SAHM for a long time, and after being stuck at home all week, I wanted to get out and about on weekends. Together.
Now that I work... I am usually tired and just want to bludge and chill out. Not go places and not get a chance to just recuperate.
After dealing with people all day, the last thing I want is to come home and listen to DD waffle on and on and demand my endless attention. I just want quiet, and to be left alone. At the same time, I also want to spend time with my family (DD and DP) so I will make the effort.
If he's not finding family life enjoyable, he should probably find a counsellor to talk to about it. While I think it's very normal to find your own children overwhelming, you've got to figure out a way to spend time with them AND get some of that alone time too.
Perhaps you can both sit down together and discuss what you both need... and come up with ways you can both get what you need.
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Stiflers Mom (14-10-2013)
13-10-2013 15:05 #17
Op im sorry your dh is being so hurtful. Your children are not an inconvenience but are part of your lives now and he needs to come to term with that.
Tbh i dont really understand the concept that as a sahm you are stuck at home all week. Assuming you live in close range to facilities There are so many things to do with children, library, music sessions, kindergym, playgrounds, mum n bub movies, playgroup...etc. if you are lonely then join a mums group?
Im just saying that if you were busier during the week you may look forward to one day of the weekend to be at home as a compromise for your dh going out with the family on the other day. Let him chose the activity.
14-10-2013 14:55 #18I would let him know that he's in danger of losing his family. He's supposed to love and cherish you more then any one else in the world, but he's not.
Perhaps some psychologists or mental health workers in BubHub can shed some further light on this.
14-10-2013 15:02 #19
Hugs, I would not be ok with that.
My hubby works mon - sat so sunday is a very precious day to us. sure some sundays he might feel like relaxing but most of the time he loves to get out with his girls.
Have you spoken to him and let him know how much that hurts you?
14-10-2013 16:06 #20
Op that is the pits. I don't have any advice, just hugs. Xx
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