So I find myself in this predicament of trying to decide whether to have this unplanned, unexpected pregnancy. My mind is spinning round so my sister suggested coming here and writing this down so I can put things in perspective and also get some advice from woman who have been here, done this and have the T-shirt.
I apologise for the length of this.
I'm married, 15 years this year, the marriage is failing and has been for some time. We have 3 daughters, 2 teenagers and a surprise 5 years ago. I'm not on any contraception and haven't been since the birth of DD3. I track my cycle and use condoms during ovulation period. Condom broke and it seems the morning after pill has failed me too. My period was due 2/10/13 and got a faint positive on the 4/10. My period is never late every 26 days she arrives. I could set my watch to her.
Now for the last 5 years well even before that my husband was sure I was going to trick him into having another baby. When I fell pregnant with DD3 he was determined we were not having a baby and we made an appointment to terminate. I couldn't do it so we ended up with DD3, he warmed up to the idea and loves her more than anything, probably more than our other daughters because he has more time to spend with her then he did them. He was working long days to support us when we had babies as teenagers.
Since then our marriage has grown worse though. We don't talk about anything important, we spend little to no time together. We've had date night once in 5 years and its only cause I asked him. It was his turn to ask me and I'm still waiting. Our sex life is nonexistent, if I ask him or try to cuddle into him he tells me no his not feeling it, or his too tired or just plain no. We only ever have sex when he wants it and its maybe once a month and its only ever when I'm close to ovulation ( I know hormones have more to do with that than anything else)
I always tell him where I am in my cycle and leave the decision about condoms to him. DTD I've even said to him "you better put a condom on or we'll be a family of 6" and he replies "we'll you should then shouldn't you"
Over the years I've ummed and ahhhed over whether to have another baby. Somedays I'd love one, other days I never want to see another one again.
My husband is determined we are finished. He said if I choose another baby our relationship would be over.I asked him to get the snip but he refuses saying "no one is cutting his balls off" I've seen 3 doctors but they all say I'm too young to have my tubes done or because I have no son maybe one day I'll want another. I'm in my early 30's so they reckon I have plenty of more baby years in me.
When I tell my husband about this pregnancy I can already hear what he will say. He will tell me he wants no kids, he will leave if I keep it. He will go on and on about how I was suppose to terminate the last one. He will say see I knew you'd do this. Like I laid down by my bloody self. I'd really rather not tell him at all but can't do that.
Can I cope with this pregnancy killing the remainder of a failing marriage. Can I be a single unemployed (I quit my job to move towns for my husbands job and have only managed to pick up casual work that lasts a few weeks here and there) mum to 4 children. What if my husband decides to be spiteful and be an a$$hole when it comes to child support (I've had no indication he would ever do this but its a question running throwing my mind) How would I feel if I get another daughter. What if I terminate and it was my much wanted son. What if I terminate and my marriage dies anyway. What if I resent my husband for the decision to terminate. How would another child affect the 3 I already have, money is tight and teenagers want money to socialise with friends. Somedays I think I'm a horrible mum because I lose my patience with my kids and yell too much and then feel horrible because they are just kids. Could I cope with another baby. Do I want to bring another baby into a failing marriage.
Argh all these thoughts just keep going round and round and I'm not finding any answers and I'm driving myself insane.
I know no one can give me the answers I need. That I have to do on my own. Thanks for reading my scattered thoughts.
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05-10-2013 12:10 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2013
Making the biggest decision of my life.
05-10-2013 12:26 #2
Firstly, hugs. Your sister was right, sometimes just getting it all out in a supportive environment helps tremendously.
Would your husband consider going to counselling with you?
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05-10-2013 13:12 #3
I hope it helped to get it out and on a page that you can look at.
I agree with pp's that it would be helpful to see a councillor, if he won't go with you please just go along yourself.
It sounds like a very unhappy situation op and I am sorry that you are going through all this.
No advice as to whether to keep or not to keep, it's a personal decision only you can make for yourself.
Please stay posting either way,as you will find plenty of support here xxxxx
05-10-2013 13:18 #4-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
I think it was a good start to get all that off your chest. Hopefully seeing everything down in writing will help.
I won't offer specific advice as this is a very personal decision. All I will say is do what you want to do. If you do want someone else wants to do, or what you think (but don't feel) is best, you will likely regret your decision.
Best of luck..
05-10-2013 13:33 #5Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2013
You do find yourself in a difficult place and my first thought is WOW, this sucks - you as the Mother make the ultimate decision, fathers get it SO easy sometimes!!
SO I guess my advice is...what is YOUR decision, if hubby weren't around what would you do? I can't advise one way or another - I can tell you that terminations don't save or kill a marriage, the people in the marriage are the ones wholly responsible for that.
I'll take a shot and guess that H wouldn't go to counselling - he sounds too full of himself and what he wants to consider you at this point, but here are some suggestions:
You don't need to make a decision OR tell H right away - you can sit with this for a while.
You can ask H to go to counselling for your marriage, and just see if he is willing. If he is not willing to discuss it, well...I think you have your answer there.
H may well be looking for an excuse to end the marriage..his inability to take any responsibility for contraception right down to making you responsible for putting on the condom, then loudly announcing that YOU will be responsible for ending the marriage if there is a further pregnancy and he only has sex when you are around ovulation is speaking volumes to me about where he is at.
Gosh, I wish I could hug you. Just be wary of making a decision FOR him because I don't think he plans on taking any responsibility at all. Your gut is likely right on about child support but I raised four children with no child support for over ten years. My story in the end is complicated but I can assure you that the government pays up for deadbeat dads to ease the financials a little and a healthcare card goes a long way to saving you lots of expenses - and teenagers have the ability to get a part time job and learn a lot about life before they even leave school...so don't worry about them - that will all work out.
What about you and your baby to be? What do you want?
Oh! And I have to say, if that egg and sperm made it through a condom and the morning after pill...sounds like it's a determined little one!!
Last edited by Big Girl; 05-10-2013 at 13:36. Reason: Forgot something!
05-10-2013 13:36 #6
Let me get this straight your husband refuses to get the snip he has s.ex with you whenever he wants, it's up to him whether he wears a condom but if to do fall pregnant he will leave unless you terminate?
He sounds ridiculous...
I won't give you my advice but I hope you seek some help from a professional and hopefully they can point you in the right direction.
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05-10-2013 14:27 #7
Your husband sounds like a jerk! Sorry but if that's how he responds to this pregnancy he is an idiot.
Forget everything that has/might/will happen. The only question you need to think about is, do YOU want this baby?
If no, can YOU live with terminated this baby?
You never regret the kids you have, just the ones you don't.
This has to be your decision, your the one who has to live with it forever. Your the only one who knows that's best for YOU. x
05-10-2013 15:18 #8
There is no right or wrong way to live your life, you only get one chance. Do what makes you happy. If you have the baby and you end up a single mum, then you will be ok.
Take a coin and flip it, by the time it hits the ground in your mind you would have hoped for one side more than the other, that's will be what you really want.
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05-10-2013 15:29 #9
I suppose my two cents other than trying to get into counseling (not that I'm talking from experience) but as a subjective outside with no emotional influence would be to take the new baby out of the equation initially and look at the marriage itself.
Does it make you happy, do you see it surviving anyway?
If not, then deciding whether or not to terminate to 'save' the marriage isn't a factor and you can look at it as whether or not you can be a single parent to 4 as opposed to 3?
I realise it would be a scary thought to be on your own but plenty of women (and men) manage to do it, it sounds like you at have some supportive family to help you.
05-10-2013 16:14 #10
He knows how babies are made right? As a PP said, he won't wear a condom, won't get a vasectomy, but it's your fault for getting pg? good lord
I can't tell you what to do. But if it were me, I'd be choosing that baby over him. Do you believe that even if you terminate, that 5 years down the track you are even going to be together anyway? The pg aside, the relationship sounds like it's in a bit of trouble, and I'm going to go out on a limb and say if you terminate, you'll probably end up breaking up down the track anyway, and you will have lost the baby and the marriage.
If YOU don't want to keep the baby, then terminate. But reading your OP I get the vibe you do want to keep it.
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